On your knees // Bandom

35. Ho Ho Hopefully

Elle had woken up to a thud from across the hallway. She was disorientated and lost and kinda really needed the loo. She should probably go an investigate the noise, but she needed the toilet more.

She went into the bathroom, there were no more noises as she used the toilet. She went to wash her hands and suddenly became aware of the words written into the steam of the mirror. Her reflection was distorted around the letters.

Is this what it feels like to go insane?

Dallon had used the shower last, right as she was going to bed. It was Dallons room the noise had come from.

She crept across the hallway, bare feet on old carpet, and pushed open the door. Her brother was shutting the window, wearing his church suit that was somehow decorated with greenery. Moonlight fell from the dark night, casting his shadow onto the floor behind him.

"Dall?" She whispered.
"Elle?" He turned round, surprised.
"You woke me up."
"Sorry, I went to the dance."
"Through a bush?" She shut the door softly behind her.
He chuckled under his breath. "Something like that.
"Well," She moved to sit on his bed. "I'm awake now."
"I can see."
"Can you sing to me?"
"What?"
"Like you used to, when I was little."
"Okay, Dallon smiled. "What should I sing."
Her face lit up. "A love song!"

He paused a moment, then started to sing, quietly, focusing his full attention on her. "Could this be love at first sight? Or should I walk by again? You're photogenically dressed, the conversation begins. Oh god oh what did I do? Let me start over again."
"What did you mean, on the mirror." Elle interrupted. "Is this what it feels like to go insane?"
"Oh, you saw that?"

It had been going round his head, on repeat, a looping of that one question that he couldn't really answer. He had thought it would be cathartic to write it out somewhere where it would slowly disappear.

"It was just a lyric from something I had stuck in my head."
"Okay," She accepted it without question.
"Carry on."
"Could this be love at first sight...."

~

It was the first day of the Christmas holidays, and Ray was waiting, sitting in a window booth with his hands around a hot chocolate.

Unbeknownst to him, Jimmy had arrived nearly ten minutes ago, but was still outside, leaning against the building and trying to get his head on straight.

Ray knew he had fucked up, but he saw no way to apologise without offence. Words meant nothing without gestures, and gestures were what got him in this mess.

Jimmy was wearing his big black boots that gave him confidence, and his hair was still spiked from the night before. He needed to feel on top of the world, he needed for Rays opinions and reasons to not affect his judgement.

As soon as Jimmy walked in, they made eye contact — Ray had been watching the door. Jimmy walked over, keeping his head above the waves, listening to his feet against the wood floor.

"Hey," Ray started.
"Hey," Jimmy responded, taking a seat.
"Sorry?" He offered.
"No. I don't want your apologies, Ray, I want your honesty."
"I... I have no clue what my sexuality is, and fucking you around didn't help how I thought it would."
"But I did make you question it?"
"Yeah, so really this is all your fault."
Jimmy shook his head, "Bullshit."
"Yeah, okay, its my fault."
"What do you want, now? Why invite me here?"
"I guess to say sorry, and I do I like you, Jimmy, I figured out that much, at least, but I get if you want nothing to do with me."
"I want to want nothing to do with you, but I don't."
"What?"
"I want to leave you here, and never look back, but I can't. I want to be over you, but more than that I want to be your boyfriend."
"You want to be my boyfriend?"
"Fuck," Jimmy put his head in his hands, "Yeah, I do."
"Maybe I wanna be your boyfriend, too."
"Maybe?"
"I... I'm not good at having public relationships, and I'm still kinda having an identity crisis. So I can't really say I want a boyfriend, but I do want you."
"So you see me as a friend, kiss me, they want some sort of secret relationship? You know how you sound, right?"
Ray nodded. "Jimmy, if you do wanna leave, and... whatever. I get it. I'm sorry."
"I don't though, not at all.