On your knees // Bandom

42. Dizzy

Nobody heard from Awsten for four days, but that wasn't unexpected: they were on holiday and in shock.

On the fifth of of January, everyone bar him was back in school. Frank was worried, he'd messaged him in the last few days and gotten various responses, but he should have been there, at school.

He went to Awstens house that night. The lights were on and he knocked lightly on the front door. His mom answered.

"Is Awsten here?" Frank asked. "He wasn't in school and I was worried."
"He's in his room."
"Can I talk to him?"
"You were the one called, the other night, right?"
"Yeah,"
"You can try."

Frank knocked on Awstens bedroom door.
"Can I come in?"
Silence.
"I'll take silence as a yes?"

No response, he pushed the door open. Awsten was sitting on his bed.
"Hey, missed you today."
Awsten nodded.
"You ok?"
Nod.
"Thats a lie. But its not going to help if you stay up in your room. You should come to school."
Awsten considered him, then grabbed his phone and started typing in the notes app.

I can't talk. I want to I just can't . If I go to school I have to talk.

"You don't have to talk, I promise."

I just keep thinking about him and I can't stop. Im trapped with my thoughts and I can't talk and I can barely sleep and im so scared.

"You need to talk to people, Awsten. Even if that doesn't involve actually talking — like this. Come to school and be with your friends and be distracted. Please."

He nodded.

Frank went downstairs.
"Hi, Mrs Knight,"
"Frank, was it?"
"Yeah, umm, do you want Awsten to go to school?"
"I think he needs time to process, he'll go when hes ready."
"We talked and he said he'd go in."
"He talked?"
"Notes app."
"You see, if he's nonverbal maybe its not..."
"I just want him to be okay. If he does go in, though, can you talk to the school about him not talking?"
"Of course, thank you, Frank."
"No problem."

~

Ray was allowed to drive to school in his new car, and he knew exactly what bus stop Lindsey and Ray got the bus from, so, that morning, he'd pulled up just past the them.

Ray had come running, recognising the car straightaway and calling shotgun. Lindsey trailed after him and slipped into the backseat.

Jimmy wanted to lean over the gear shaft and kiss him, as he had whenever Ray picked just him up, but he didn't.

"This is yours?" Lindsey asked.
"Yeah," Ray replied with a smirk.
"Cool. Oh! Jimmy, just remembered,"
"Hmm?"
"My cousins moved into town, he's a year older than us and plays bass and I think you'd like him. Can I set you up?" Lindsey had clearly got over him in the past two weeks.
"Is this the cousin that taught you bass?"
"Yea."
"And tried to fuck his guitar?"
"He was fourteen, he's matured."
"Im not interested."
"You need to stop crushing on a straight boy. Hes not worth it, no offence Ray."
"Some taken?" Ray replied, laughing.
"Im good," Jimmy said, watching him.
"You're an idiot, is what you are. An a cliché to boot."
Jimmy laughed. "Yeah, I might be an idiot and a cliché but im okay with that. How 'bout you, Lindz? You happy with yourself?"
"I love being single and not crushing on anyone, I can make out with whomever I like."
"Unless they don't want to," Ray pointed out.
"They always want to. Plus, im not Jimmy, I don't like people who'll never like me back."
"Sorry about that, Jimmy," Ray said, trying to keep a straight face.
"No worries, Raymond."

Lindsey snapped them out of it. "What about you, then, Ray-o? Still into Kitty?"
"Actually, no."
"For real? Great. I can set you up, then. I love setting people up."
"Fantastic," Ray replied, sarcastic. Lindsey didn't notice.
"Give me like a week, I'll find someone for you."
"Can't wait."
She clapped. "I'm excited."

Lindsey pulled he phone out, flicking through contacts. Ray glanced away from the road and met Jimmys eye. 'Jealous?' He mouthed. Jimmy laughed.

"Sorry you didn't lose your virginity on the night of the dance," Rays voice was sincere but his words weren't."
"I didn't? Who do you think I went home with?"
"Kitty?"
"No, I thought you were going home with her so went to Gabes."
"How'd that go down?"
"How much detail do you want?"
"Excruciating."
"But I thought you were straight?"
"Yeah, im just such a supportive friend."
"He was actually kinda an asshole."
"Shocker."
"Yeah, at first he suddenly wasn't Interested? Then he kissed me just to see if he liked me..."
"Who's this? Lindsey interrupted.
"Gabe Saporta." Jimmy replied, watching Ray.
"Thats a shitty thing to do." Ray told him.
"I know."

~

Its not love itself that hurts. Its the aftermath.

Its those cautious glances, dancing around each other and their insecurities.

Mikey approached Pete some time in the first week back.

"Pete,"
"Mikey!" He grinned.
"About new years..."
"It means whatever you wanted it to mean."
"We were meant to have this conversation sooner than this."
"But, Ryan..."
"Ryan." Mikey nodded.
"So, you've had time to think."
"I miss you, and I was so terrified of losing you, and so upset, but ive... I've done that now. I've done the hard part. Im not sure I want to go through that again."
"Basically you got over me?"
"God, Pete, c'mon. I've made my decision."
"You broke us up, and then you kiss me only to say we're still over?"
"I didn't know what was going on in my head, im sorry."
"You're sorry," Pete nodded, his voice sarcastic.
"People break up! Our now is not forever! Im sorry I kissed you, but I felt like I needed to. You approached me at midnight and told me everything I'd been looking for you too say."
"So I gave you everything you wanted, and its still not enough?"
"Stop fighting with me, Peter. Im not a bad person for being confused, or for breaking us up. We had a thing, it was good. Don't ruin it."
"I'm the one ruining it?"
"Yeah, I want a clean break, not you getting pissed about being rejected."
"I'm not-"
"Its over, okay? Bye."
"I love you."
"Then act like it. Dont make this harder than it already is." Mikey was trying his upmost not to cry.
"I know you-"
"Stop. Shut up. Im leaving." Mikey walked out, leaving his heart behind in a history classroom. Pete watched him go and tried not to think about everything that would never happen again.

He walked into the music room, his tears on the precipice of falling, heads turned. He grabbed Gee by the arm and pulled them out, they followed him to an empty practice room.

"Me and Pete broke up." He sniffed.
"I thought that happened ages ago."
"Yeah, but it was temporary th-en." His voice broke. "We kissed at new years and now- Now its fully over."

Gee put their arms around their little brother.
"Its okay," They whispered, feather soft.
"He says he loves me..."
Gee grabbed his face. "Then he'd listen to you and respect your decision. This isn't your fault."
Mikey tried to turn away but Gee wouldn't let him.
"I love you too, and even when I don't like you, or what you're doing, I don't guilt trip you, or force you to change your mind."
"You don't like me?"
"Sometimes. Irrelevant." He let go of his face.
Mikey nodded, and smiled a wry smile. The sort if smile that meant that, even if things aren't good now, they will be.

An// sorry jimmys being annoying I was listening to Euringer