On your knees // Bandom

28. Sleepover

December had finally come, and the music room had been decorated with the promise of only 25 days left until Christmas. Gee and Mikey were fighting over which was the best Christmas song, and Frank and Patrick were trying to do homework they'd definitely remembered they had before the lunchtime before.

Awsten and Ryan had joined them, now, and Awsten turned out to be able to compose on the spot and he and Ryan (R) found some middle ground there, and quickly became friends.

Ray was off somewhere, doing something. Nobody quite knew what but he did this at least once a week, so they weren't bothered beyond 'Ray can y- dammit'.

"Theres a winter dance on the last day, apparently." Jamia told them.
"I wanna go," Frank immediately responded.
"Ok."  Gee responded absentmindedly.
"Not good enough, Gee, I need a full proposal for it."
"I'll think about it."
"You better."

Brendon turned to Ryan automatically, then caught himself and stilled.
Ryan interlaced their fingers and leaned down to whisper in his ear.
"What colours your suit."
Brendon relaxed into him.
"Fuck, I've missed you."
"Mmm hmm."
"My suits like-maroon? Browny-red."
Ryan made a face "Why?"
Brendon shrugged. "Attention?"

Petes phone buzzes, and he checks it only to find its Mikey, who is sitting around six feet away.
M: can you come over tonight?

He looked up and caught Mikeys eye, then nodded. Mikey let out a breath.

Over in music room five, which was where Ray was (no prises for guessing), msi had also just discovered the winter dance.

Ray pushed the toe of his converse into Jimmys leg.
"You should ask whoever you like."
Jimmy laughed. "Not happening."
"Why not? You don't have to tell me who they are, just ask them and if it works out you have a date."
Jimmy shook his head. "They don't like me."
"You're not sure of that. If I was into guys I'd totally date you."
Jimmy nodded, lips pursed. "Yeah... yeah."
"You don't sound convinced."
"You're not into guys, though."
"Not the point."

Oh but it was the point, and Kitty and Lindsey were half watching them with keen eyes, cursing Ray for his naivety.
"You need to get over them." Kitty contributed.
"No shit."
"I think its unfair that y'all know and I don't." Ray complained.
"We figured it out. If you can figure it out too, we'll confirm your idea." Lindsey told him.
"Im trying my best."

Jimmy stayed silent as he complained and pleaded and Kitty laughed and attempted to mollify him and Lindsey teased him. He watched him try to grab for straws just out of reach, and he told himself to get over him.

God, wouldn't it be nice if Jimmy could fall for Lindsey instead? And Kitty for Ray. What a fairytale ending, a Disney 'happily ever after.'

But Jimmy watched Ray struggle to contain a smile whilst holding puppy dog eyes, and he felt the echo of his foot against his leg; like it was some sort of secret code. He let himself, just briefly, daydream. He didn't usually allow himself to fall into fantasy - he wanted all of his thoughts to stop and that was not the way to do it.

He dreamt, just for a moment, of Rays smile, spinning around the school hall, all lit in blue and white. A song playing, something he vaguely recognised but couldn't place, something about love.

Then he snapped out of it because the boy from his dreams was staring expectantly at him.
"What?" He asked.
Ray rolled his eyes, oblivious, and repeated the question.

~

Pete had, as asked, gone over to Mikeys. He was now lying on his bed.
"So?" He asked. "Are you going to tell me why you got high."
"I think we need to break up."
Pete sat up to made eye contact. "What the fuck?"
"You need to figure yourself out."
"Is this about me not wanting to fuck?"
"Kind of."
"Mikey..."
"Its not that I only want to be with you if we have sex. Its that you're now self-conscious about it."
"What?"
"Its on your mind far more than its on mine. So if you want to carry on this relationship you're going to have to get over it. I don't care about it, Pete, I care that you care."
Pete shook his head. "Do you want to break up?"
"Depends if you're asking me, personally, or if I think we should."
"You. Personally."
"Im in love with you, I don't want to lose you. But I recognise that you're not in the right headspace right now."
"What about a break, or..."
Mikey shook his head. "Breaks are a mess, they put us in a weird limbo you cant get out of. If we ever want to get back together we need to break up cleanly."
"Okay. Fine."
"Im sorry."
"I get it."
Pete got off his bed and grabbed his jacket from the back of the door. "I'm going to leave."
Mikey watched him go.

Mikey watched everything he'd tried so hard for walk out of the door and he tried his best not to cry, not to regret anything. He felt his heart start to break and he stopped it. Maybe one day he'd let himself feel this, but not today.

Pete put his headphones in, and tried to listen to music, but it was pretty much just the first bar of each song and then a skip. Nothing seemed to hold the emotion he felt. It was just a gig for them, just lyrics. A reiteration of a heartbreak they had since got over. He'd find a unique verse with a voice break but he'd get to the chorus; and there was the hook. It was just a fucking marketing technique. It meant nothing.
Pete, at least, let himself cry.

~

Jimmy couldn't stand it anymore, his head was killing him and every train of thought led to Ray. Whilst Ray himself remained obvious.

So he'd invited him over, and promised himself that he'd admit it this time, and at least if it was out in the open Ray could stop asking about it, and believe him when he said there was no chance.

Ray was sitting straddle in Jimmys desk chair, pushing himself round in circles as they talked. Jimmy himself was on his desk, trying to think of a way to do this without ruining everything he'd tried so hard to build up. He'd put music on, his 'inspo' playlist, filled with songs detailing stories, often love stories.

In the end, Ray brought it up.
"Why do you think they don't like you back?"
"They... like girls."
"How much though? Because like they could be bi, or pan, or whatever."
"Like, as much as you."
"You have a chance, then."
"What??"
"Like, yeah I'm straight, but I say that because I've only ever been into girls. So if I had a crush on a guy I'd probably just be chill with it. Like it wouldn't make me freak out."
"What."
"I don't find guys... disgusting, like I've tried to think about kissing my friends, you and Patrick, and it wasn't... it was just the same as thinking about kissing a girl I didn't like. Thinking about kissing Jamia is about the same level of weirdness."
"-doyouwanttogotothedancewithme." Jimmy said, all in one breath.
"Oh." Ray replied, and stopped his chair.
"Fuck, um, im sorry."
"No I just... understand why that was not helpful advice."
"Yeah,"

They were both quiet then, trying to think of the right thing to say. Ray thought of Kitty, and how she definitely didnt like him.

"I don't like you like that, Jimmy, but,"
"-yeah I got that." He interrupted.
"But," Ray continued. "I will go to the dance with you."
"A pity date." Jimmy nodded.
"Pity dates don't exist."
"Then what is this?"
"Me having no date and you being my friend."
Jimmy pulled at his hair. "Fine. You're lucky I like you so much."
"Oh, I know."
"Shut up."
"I have a question though:"
"Shoot."
"Did you want me in the band because I was talented or just because you liked me?"
"First of all do you think Lindsey would let someone into the band because I was into them?"
Ray shrugged. "Probably not."
"And secondly I didn't like you when we recruited me. You're just that talented."
"Sure I am."

An // its my birthday in a week and I'm seeing Hayley Kiyoko I'm so hypedddd