On your knees // Bandom

57. Seasick, but still docked

It snowed again. February had come and so had the soft piles of ice and slush. It was cold. Breathtakingly so. It might have even been beautiful, if left untouched, bit there were too many people, and no one cared.

Gee cared a little. They loved the snow, and they loved beauty. They wanted the snow to stay heaped up, drowning everything. But they still walked through it, destroyed it. They had to get to school.

Frank was at his dads, and since Linda Iero had practically adopted them, Gee had stayed at hers. Franks dad didn't approve, to say the least. He didn't even know the full story and Gee still caught the glances and annoyance. They'd ruined his Christmas.

So maybe they should apologise. Or try and make amends, build bridges and the like. Instead of walking freezing through the streets, with their hoodie up over their head.

They found Dallon outside, holding an out cigarette between two fingers. His head tilted back against the wall. He always held himself like a poised model, with the hair and the jawline. If, six months or so ago, before they'd even heard of Frank, Dallon had kissed them, they wouldn't have minded at all.

They kissed now, as Romeo and Juliet, but there was nothing really there. It was numb romance and pretence, and childish fun. Kids playing at love: Now, it was all platonic, but he'd always thought there was something angelic about him. Was that a premonition of death? An angel waiting to happen? He never felt like he was exactly like everyone else.

"I didn't know you smoked?" He said, instead of that.
"What? Oh, this? Its Brendons. Some teacher wanted him so he gave me this and told me not to lose any. It's not a cigarette, anyway."
"Oh. Of course."
"He might have just gone, I don't know."
"Smoke it for him?"
"I don't tend to do drugs."
"Alcohols a drug."
"Illegal drugs." He amended.
"You're underage."
"Whatever." He tried to segue, "What can I do for you, Gerard?"

He didn't mean it negatively. If anything, it was ridiculously formal. But it hit Gee like a truck. Like they was floating up and someone just reminded them of gravity, and with that knowledge, they fell. The ground came rushing up to them. Naked, in the Garden of Eden. How had they lived so long with that identity?

"I-"
Dallon stared at them, not getting it.
"Nothing. Just, didn't know you smoked- but you don't! So, uh, all's good. I..."
"Are you ok?"

Ethereal. That was it. That was how Dallon looked in the snow. Asking after them with concern in his tone and none in his eyes.

"I'm good. See you."
"Alright."

How quickly things change. Too fast. Now their head was spinning and they were picturing themselves back with their parents and it was snowing again. Snowing. In February. That wasn't really late, wasn't really a statement at all. They focused on it, on the cold, on the reality. They had said their goodbyes but were still standing next to Dallon.

"Is it weird? Snow in February?"
"Don't think so."
"Do you think it'll snow on Valentines?"
"I don't know, Gee."

Gee. Back to Gee. Back in the form they chose. Back in the tight jeans and Franks shirt and dark makeup. They had lost something of themselves, lost a little more of their precious grasp on gender. Not so precious, really.

Brendon came back, wearing his baseball cap on backwards. Gee wanted to laugh at him, but it was just like snow in February. Normal. They were overthinking.

"Hey," They raised their hand, and Brendon grinned and took the spliff back off Dallon.
"Hey," He returned.
"What did she want?" Dallon asked.

Gee left, feeling like the conversation had surpassed them, and they were suddenly without the energy to try and join in. It occurred to them, as they walked away, that Ryan was not there — Dallon was. Did that mean anything at all?

Dallon was in the past though. Dallon and Brendon and the fingertip trails of jealousy never became fully fledged. Past Gee 'Gerard' was a different person. For one; they dreaded math. Now, math was first period and all they wanted was to be to be in his seat, with Frank next to them.

But Frank wasn't there, so they'd rushed to math for nothing, and they didn't even understand this topic. They watched the window, and the snow still falling. Maybe, he could just say inside Franks room for a week, lock the door and separate current them, from any other iteration.

Half way through their daydream, Frank walked in. They knew something was wrong  immediately but Frank just sat down and opened his book.

"Frankie,"
"You don't get a free pass on life calling me a nickname,"
"What?" They weren't ready for Frank to be pissed, he needed to be the rock.
"Can you sleep somewhere else tonight?" He asked.
"Aren't you still at your dads?"
"Fuck, no, he- I don't want to talk about it. And I love- just give me a night."
And I love you. Why couldn't he say that? What had happened, that Gee completely missed?
"Frank whats going on?"
"Give me one fucking night, alright? Just let me be with my mom — my family, and not you."
"I-"
"Sorry." It was a curt apology.

Gee leaned their head against the window. It had stopped snowing. Their dreams wouldn't come true, not at Franks. It was a pitiful show, would turn to liquid in hours.

Maybe the fantasy was over, they'd go back to Gerard. They didn't feel pretty in that moment: they felt like a young boy, whose life had slipped away and they only just noticed.

~

Lindsey had called shotgun. Jimmy had fought her for it, but lost, and now he was in the back of Rays car, leaning forward to try and share their space.

"Right. Ray. Like a month ago I said I'd set you up and I never did, but now I have found the one." Lindsey announced.
"Sure." Jimmy dismissed her.
"You're hopeless, Jimmy, get over him."
"Now I'm refusing as a point of pride."
"Its clearly your loss."
"Agree to disagree."

Ray looked at him In the rear veiw mirror. Jimmy with his hair and attitude. He caught his eye and winked and Ray grinned at him. Where was the line between what Jimmy was doing as a performance, and what he really felt?

"We have PE first, right?" Ray asked, trying not to feel guilty.
"Our one lesson together, how could I forget?" Jimmy confirmed.
"More importantly:" Lindsey interrupted. "You're both coming to my Valentines day thing, right?"
"Unless I get a date," Jimmy told her.
"So thats a yes, 100%."
"Rude."
"The party is where you find the date, Euringer." Lindsey stressed.
"Euringer?" Ray asked.
"Fuck you, Lindsey. Now you've done it!"
"Done what?" Ray was suitably confused.
"I was gonna introduce him to my parents!"
"Well you could have, we could have passed it off, If you didn't make a big deal of it!"
"Passed what off?!" Ray was getting increasingly frustrated.
"Nothing." Jimmy and Lindsey said in unison.
"Didn't sound like nothing."
"Anyway, Ray," Lindsey tried to turn the conversation back, "Are you coming to the party?"
"Only if you tell me what the fuck Euringer means."

It wasn't funny anymore. Jimmy couldn't brush it off now, and get mad, and then make a joke out of it in the future.

"It's my name." He said, quietly. Lindsey sighed.
"Your name?"
"James Euringer. Jimmy Urine."
"Since when?"
"Since his birth certificate, idiot."
"I don't know, I was just seeing how long I could keep it up. You thought it was actually my name, and... it kind of got too awkward to tell the truth."
"James Euringer." Ray repeated, "I-"
"I'm sorry. But it would have been so fucking funny if you met my parents and called them Mr and Mrs Urine."
"I hate you."
"You don't sound that pissed."
"I am!" He really didn't. "Fine. Fuck you James!"
"I'm not down for this, at all,"
Ray laughed, "Well that is the price you had to pay for lying to me."
"No."
"Yes."

In that moment, both of them would have gladly kicked Lindsey out. Jimmy tucked his hands beneath him, trying not to lean forward and kiss him. He wanted to tell him to call him James one more time, and mean it. But Lindsey was there. So he kept quiet.

An// I've found all my old diaries and wow my stories were even cringier back then.