It was becoming colder. Each and every day I felt wrong. There was a distant feeling in the pit of my stomach that churned everytime we saw one another and I hated it. I never wanted to feel this way with him, but now I can't help it. My skin crawled whenever our eyes met; the darkness within those brown eyes resided a hatred feeling - but to who? What was it for? How did it start?
The worst feeling was being ignored. I hated it with a passion whenever I would attempt to ask what was wrong - if there was something, anything I could do to fix this. He would just sit in the silence, tempting me to see if I was truly willing to help. He just wasn't himself.
What really tore my heart was his last words to me, which I didn't know they were at the time. Each word was a jab to my heart and made me feel resounding guilt that I didn't need to feel. But I did. I felt guilty for hurting him. For making him feel unloved and unwanted.
This had started with just a fight. Yuto was jealous. What for, who knew? But he wasn't happy. I liked him a lot, with everything in my heart I tried to get close to him to show that. He seemed to be interested until suddenly he just... shut down.
"I didn't realize this was all a game to you, Hana. I don't want to be a part of this."
I remember standing before my love with a confused expression. What game? I never played with him. I never hurt him in purpose. I loved him for goodness sakes! What purpose would I have in hurting him?
"Stop getting close to me. Go to Wooseok, Yanan-whomever! Whomever else you wanted to play with, but not me. I'm not a part of this."
Wooseok? Yanan? I had repeated their names to him in such a bizarre and outrageous tone. I was furious that day for other reasons. His sudden change in heart hurt me more than I was wanting and I guess I just took it out on him. I couldn't believe his sudden outburst.
It hurt. Still does. So much.
"What? You didn't think I wouldn't know? That you flirt with everybody?!"
His eyes then we're cold too. Much sharper than I had ever seen before. And it went straight to my heart. Piercing it so thinly it may not have been noticed if it wasn't for the impact he had in my life. He brought me my happiness. But he also took it back.
Even in this moment, as he stood across the room in his own world, I felt my heart clench. It was twisted of me to feel this way over someone who had lost their mind - I never once had feelings for someone else. But it couldn't be helped. He was my first real love. Yuto can't be thrown away as easily as a crush that was small and not much more than a time in my past life.
No. Yuto was my world. Even if we were only friends, he made me the happiest I had ever been. I couldn't just forget that. No matter how much I needed to in order for me to heal my heart.
Sighing, I placed down my cup and dared a small smile to Wooseok as he finished up his story. We stayed in the break room before their concert like usual, telling stories or trying to occupy and ease their nervous minds. With the exception of Yuto sulking in the corner, of course.
"The guy just fell! Right then and there!" Wooseok laughs hysterically, the memory fresh in his mind. He looks to me for confirmation as he did so, eyes glowing in hopes that I will finally stop being such a downer. But it failed, like usual, as I only had the heart to force a smile again.
Yeo-one eyed me for a minute for heaving a hard sigh, shaking his head. "You guys are really pathetic, you know that?"
Expecting his words, I let him speak. Because maybe this would actually wake up my senses so that I would take control. That I would fix this. Because it was killing me having to bear through it for our friends and not myself. "What do you mean?"
He stood from the chair and points to Yuto. "Because of some misunderstanding, you both have been causing us to have a huge wave of coldness. It's not fun. You both need to wake up and smell the flowers - this isn't a drama. You guys are best friends."
Yuto finally glances at me. Though eyes as cold as ever, they held at least a little interest in what Yeo-one was saying. Alas, he says, "I don't have friends like her."
Ouch.
"Why is that?" Hui questions suddenly from the seat in front of the mirror, watching us carefully. "Not that long ago you guys shared everything. Now you won't even spare her a glance."
"Does it matter?" He questions harshly.
Anger was fueling me. Sure, he could snap at me. Yell at me all he wanted. But not them. They didn't do anything wrong. "Yuto, enough," I call out. My voice was not hard nor sharp, but it was heard clearly. "This has nothing to do with them. Don't be rude."
He pauses at my words, surprised I even spoke to him. Yuto breathes heavily. "Why? Do you not want them to know that you played me? Led me on?"
"That's enough!" I call out to him. My heart was clenching so tightly now that it was getting harder to breath. Without another thought, I grabbed Yuto's arm roughly and begin to drag him out the break room. I knew if he didn't let me we wouldn't have moved an inch, so I was glad he did.
The minute the door closed behind him I spilled my thoughts. "What is going on with you? Us?! Why have we sunken so low to yell at one another in front of them?! Our life was always separated from theirs!"
He looked down at me sharply. I could see the pain in his eyes. "Why is that? Why don't you treat me the same as them?! Why am I the outsider!?"
"Because I love you!" I scream out of frustration, pushing the arm he raised up to point his finger at the break room door. "That is why you are treated different, Yuto. Because I love you more than just a friend, and that's all they are to me-friends."
My voice got quieter the more I spoke. I huffed out my shaky breath and put a hand to my head, covering my eyes as I started to cry. The pain I had been feeling all the while bottled up and broke in that moment. My shoulders shook as I sobbed into my hand.
Then I felt his presence closer. He wrapped his long arms around me, his sweatshirt engulfing me in his familiar scent and bringing me comfort. Yuto slowly brings up his hand and rubs my back, hushing me all the while. "Hana..."
"What?" I sniffled, preparing for the worst.
"I love you too," he whispers into my hair. "I have loved you. For so long. But I thought...that you did too. I was so happy when you started to show interest and tell me that you like me. But then I saw you...with Wooseok."
I lifted my head to gaze up at him, tears streaming down my face. "Wooseok?"
The pain flashed in his eyes again and made my heart drop in my chest knowing I was the reason he was hurting so much. "You looked so happy with him. A-and it looked like you showed more interest in him. I h-heard he confessed."
I used the palm of my hand to flatten against my cheeks and rub the ongoing tears. "What do you mean confess? We don't...oh."
He bit his lip and nods. "Yeah, oh."
I couldn't help but crack a smile. "So this is why you said you were jealous...Yuto he didn't confess to me. He wanted to confess to a girl he knows and asked for my opinion. And yes, I do care for Wooseok very much. But he's a friend, Yuto. A friend. You are my love."
Suddenly his whole act crashed. The once cold aura became solemn as he relaxed his shoulders while looking at me. "I'm such a-"
I shook my head. "Don't say it. Don't do it Yuto. Just say this was all because you loved me and thought I didn't feel the same. Because even if you were a jerk, I kept secrets and lied. I didn't tell you why I often hung out with Wooseok. I made it seem like I led you on, too. "
"Just tell me you love me," I whisper. "And everything will be ok."
"Really?" Yuto asks gently, leaning close to me to touch our foreheads.
"Nope. I'm going to kick your butt when I'm not emotional. But for now, do it."
He chuckles, smiling the bright smile I was accustomed to and nods. "I love you, Hana." Leaning closer, he places a peck to my nose before squeezing me tightly. "Go easy on me though. I'm fragile."
