sunshine • myg + jhs

01

i let the heat of the water that rains over me consume my body, inhaling the steam it creates.
i try to allow the music i blast to calm my raging mind, but it's really no use.
the lyrics speak of things i connect with spiritually, and it makes me feel less alone, but no better.
i don't really think i can feel better anymore.
but showers are the closest i get to feeling that way.
the heat relaxes my tense muscles and breathing the steam will help me to alleviate all the pain that resides in my aging body.
then when i get home i shower again to take away all the stress from that day, and then i sleep the rest of the day away.
that's all i really ever do anymore.
shower.
work.
sleep.
and sometimes. sometimes. i speak with my roommate and his boyfriend or maybe watch a movie or two.
i call him tiny, despite him barely being one centimeter shorter, and the many requests i've gotten to stop.
i lean my head back and let the water hit my neck.
it feels like nails digging into my bruises, but i don't mind the pain.
in a way it eases me to know i'm not completely numb yet.
i roll my head around and let my hair catch the falling water before lathering shampoo into it.
i take my time getting the rest of my body clean, my fingers and toes wrinkled by the time i finally decide to exit.
i tassle my hair in my towel before wrapping it around my waist and head to my bedroom to get dressed.
as usual, tiny has made me breakfast.
i always tell him not to.
he never listens.
so i always eat it.
he always makes sure i eat something and he can tell when i lie because other that "i'm okay," i'm a pretty shit liar.
this morning it was Pajeon.
i eat it while i dress and head on my way to work, having my version of morning coffee on the way.
i arrive nearly half an hour late, but i pay it no mind.
i take my last drag and hold it a bit longer than the rest of them.
it hurts.
but the pain brings me comfort.
when i finally exhale, i know my boss will scold me because of my scent.
i don't care though.
i step out of my car and stride leisurely through the glass doors.
unbothered by time.
unbothered by the cold.
unbothered by my boss.
just unbothered.
the nicotine was still fresh.
and it felt so fucking good.
so nothing could bother me.
for a little while, i'd be okay.
i'd get pissed because humans are idiotic, but i'd be better than i would be without the cigarettes.
"you're late, min," my boss states as soon as my foot makes contact with the ratty old welcome mat that is everyone's first impression of our bakery.
"fire me then," i say monotonously as i hang my coat on it's designated hook.
"you were supposed to come in early to train our new cashier! i can't believe you, really! we'll be behind all day, because you chose to be late! and you smell awful min, you'll drive customers away!" i pay him no mind and start towards the back to get my uniform, "what do you have to say for yourself, hm?" he asks realizing i'm not giving him any attention.
"i say that i smell way better than your stale coffee breath. if that fog that you have going on doesn't drive them out, my smell will do no damage."
i flash him a petty smile as i put my hair net over my boring brown locks.
"didn't your mother ever teach you about respecting your elders?" he asks as i walk away from him.
"me, nor my mother, believed age should define the laws of respect. we think mental capacity should. and you have that of a peanut," i respond, hearing his footsteps follow me.
only when i turn around, it isn't him.
"hello. i'm hoseok. you can call me hobi. i'm the one you're supposed to train," the boy says.
i take a moment to look at him.
quite pretty if i do say so myself.
beautiful glowing skin.
a sweet little nose.
gorgeous heart shaped lips.
and upturned symmetrical eyes that i'd be jealous of if i we're capable of feelings.
he was tall too.
but it was obvious he was young.
"do you know how to use a calculator?" i ask him.
"y-yes?" he seems nervous.
or maybe i was looking for too long and he got uncomfortable.
"then this should be easy. we're pretty old fashioned here. not many advanced buttons or things like that. i'll teach you how to use the open and close button. then you'll be on your own, so you're only to speak to me with issues concerning the customer, got it?"
"got it," he said with a smile.
cute.
i lead him to the back where i give him an apron with MISTER'S BAKERY printed in red across the chest. and then we both head to the register.
as i'm teaching him about the buttons and how to open and close the money drawer, i notice the fruity smell that surrounds me.
at first i thought it was some cake that Mr. Peanut Brain was cooking up, then it got faint when i got further from the new boy, so i figured it was him.
it was sweet smell.
feminine, yet not feminine at all.
like a peach infused with old spice.
and i'm min yoongi. i smell axe, cigarettes, and pastries all day, and when i get home, it's an overwhelming amount coconut because apparently tiny and his boyfriend can't stand anything other than coconut.
i'd be lying if i said this new scent wasn't a little refreshing.
••
at 10 i take my break.
i take a five minute break, every half hour, to smoke.
i'd murder my moron of a boss if i didn't.
i step out the back door, into the alley, and press my thumb down on my green lighter.
once.
twice.
three times.
fire.
i pull the lighter to the cigarette that sits comfortably between my lips and soak up the warmth that the flame provides to my cold face.
my hands shake, as the cold is hard on my frail body.
i take one drag.
one. 
then i'm interrupted.
the door opens again, and the new guy's voice leaks out of the bakery.
i assume he's on the phone, and doesn't know i'm out here, given the way he's speaking of me.
"yeah no, i guess so. but i mean. we know me. i know everything about someone just by the way they tilt your head. i think he is. and if not i'm going to be bummed. he smells like cigarettes and axe and i don't know why but the mixture is like sex to my nostrils."
i laugh, exhaling the smoke that had been marinating in my lungs for a few seconds.
he whips around and his cheeks go beat red.
"joon i gotta go..."
he drops the phone from his ear and begins to apologize for his words.
"i'm sorry hyung i just-"
i bring the cigarette back up to my lips smirking.
he stops talking immediately.
i inhale and the end of the tube flares orange.
"i'm sorry, but you're not doing this when i can stop it."
he swipes my newly lit sanity from my fingers and drops it.
"yah!"
he presses the toe of his boot into it and twists, demolishing my happiness.
"YAH! that was my hard earned money you cock! and something that helped in the arousing of your nostrils evidently."
"it's a disgusting habit. i'm sorry hyung, but thats going to kill you. you're too young."
i start to laugh.
softly at first.
then i go hysterical.
"i'd rather get my death over with than have a long, drawn out, painful process. plus. i control my actions. not you. if i want to breathe cancer, let me breathe cancer. i'm choosing this. the end will come sooner and i not only understand that. i want that. plus, i asked you not to speak to me. you did. and you also wasted my cigarette. and now i have to light a whole new one and further the pain in my bones from the lighter and- and- if our boss gets murdered today, it's your fault."
i take out another sanity stick and press my thumb into the lighter that was still in my hand from the first one.
once.
twice.
three times.
four.
fire.
my bones ache from overusage.
and the cold hurts the paper thin organs that expand inside my chest.
i roll my eyes and curse him in my brain.
one drag.
a long one.
i stare him straight in the eyes as i take it.
the cold paints his cheeks and the tip of his cute little nose pink and he looks rather dashing, but he destroyed a part of my sanity for the day.
so to me he is satan and looks as so.
i release and it stings.
that gorgeous pain of close coming death.
i smirk at the feeling and he just looks annoyed.
"you're a fraud. you pretend that what you crave is death. but in reality, the truth is that you fear life."
i roll my eyes.
"and now you think you know me because i smoke and don't fear what i know is inevitable?" i ask. 
he opens the door that i stand next to then eyes me, propping it open with his foot.
"trust me, i won't speak to you anymore i swear. and i'm sorry for this but... i'm not."
he swipes the cigarette out of its spot between my lips and presses it to the brick wall that i lean upon.
"you're five minutes is up, hyung."
he walks inside and i curse him.
"DICK HEAD!" i shout, scaring a few birds from their place on top of the bakery.
i throw the door open, my blood boiling, and make my way back to my station inside.
his sweet scent fills my nostrils immediately and it tempts me to stop the raging anger inside of me.
but he destroyed two parts of my daily sanity.
i'm not that quick to forgive.