sunshine • myg + jhs

31

i wake to the creaking of the front door.
i look next to me.
hoseok is still fast asleep.
fuck.
i reach under the bed and pull out my handgun.
be prepared.
the lion king taught me that.
i step quietly downstairs, trying to hear where their footsteps head towards.
the piano room.
they're trying to steal my piano?
the song that i'd learned as a child rings through the air, as do sobs of despair.
then it dawns on me that whoever it was had to know there was a house way back here.
they had to have a goal to come this deep into the woods at four in the morning.
my hands drop from their shooting position and the gun slips from my fingers, tumbling down the stairs.
the music stops and i hear the piano bench open.
another gun compartment that only one person would know of.
why?
why in the middle of the night?
why ever.
i want to move.
i want to gather hoseok and our things and make a break for it.
but i can't.
i see the gun peak out around the corner before she does and i stay still.
she comes around and i stare into the barrel.
"who are you?"
"listen-"
"tell me or i'll shoot!"
"what mom? don't even recognize your own baby boy?"
her face falls and the gun gradually gets lower.
"yoongi? you're my yoongi?"
i step down the remaining stairs, into the light that she'd turned on when she entered.
she smells less like i remember.
"how long have i been gone mom? you were so fucked that you can't even remember. i bet you don't even remember why i left, do you? why have you come here? this is my house. i paid for it with my money that i worked to earn. why are you in my house."
i notice the tear stains on her cheeks and the glistening of new tears forming in her eyes.
good.
she deserves to cry.
but when i hear the mangled sob she emits, my heart falls.
"goodness mom,"
she brings the heels of her hands to her eyes and she tries to stop the flow of tears.
i do that.
i get that from her.
i wrap my arms around her thin frame.
"you're right. i apologize yoongi. i wasn't the mom you needed. you deserved so much better than you got. and i shouldn't be here, i'm sorry for coming. but i do it often. when i'm sad and miss my boys. or when i just can't deal with life at home anymore."
she pulls away from our embrace and looks up into my eyes.
"you've grown so much, yoongi bear. you're so big and successful and... you're everything your dad would have wanted."
i roll my eyes.
"i don't care what dad would have wanted. i did this to prove to myself i'm not like him. because i will never, ever be like him."
her eyes sag with tiredness.
her hair is thinning and her body is barely skin and bones.
"i know that you hate your father, and i know that you hate your brother. so i'm all you got yoongi. i'm the only family you have."
i shake my head as i retort to her statement.
"no. you couldn't be more inaccurate. you don't have to share DNA to be family. i have more family now than i was born with. i have six men who'd do anything to keep me happy and put their lives on the line to make sure mine isn't. i have people who care for me even when i pretend to hate them or i've pushed them away for months. i have a family now. you're not the only family i've got mom. you might be the only blood left. but that doesn't make you my family."
she nods, looking at the floor.
"you've come so far my yoongi bear. i'm so proud of you."
"why with the yoongi bear again mom?"
she stays silent for a second, then wipes her left cheek and begins to talk.
"i hoped it'd take you back to when i'd always call you that and you'd smile that gorgeous gummy smile that your father blessed you with. i'd hoped you'd remember the good you used to see in me. all of the love you used to hold in your precious little heart for me and your dad and your brother. i'd hoped it'd make you remember what it makes me remember. good times. happy, better times."
she shuts her eyes.
"it's foolish. i'm sorry."
i wipe her cheek.
"it's not foolish, mom."
she looks up at me and smiles weakly.
"let's get you to sleep, for now. there is a new mattress in your room, i'm sure you'll be comfortable there."
i turn to go back to hoseok and cry to him silently.
but she speaks again, stopping me from getting to far.
"why are you being so kind? after all the time that you spent with such an awful person for a mom. why are you being so kind to her? granted she's not me inside anymore, but she used to be me. that's who you remember. why are you being so accepting of such an awful person?"
i look her in the eyes.
"a very wise woman once told me to give chances to those who mean the most to you because sooner or later they will come around and you will be there waiting with open arms to greet them with love and happiness. maybe i don't do that much. but i'm trying new things lately. i'm smoking less, bettering myself. so when i pass away, i'd have had no regrets. i will regret shunning you if i do, so i'm not going to."
she smiles.
that wise woman was her.
she knows that.
she knows we'll be okay.
she knows i'm okay.
it'll all be okay.
but i need to cry.
i need to cry to my real family.
yes i'm giving her a chance.
but hoseok is more family than she has ever been.