sunshine • myg + jhs

32

my hands shake as i approach my door.
i open it, and hoseok stands with his hands on the back of his neck facing the window.
he turns to me as the door clicks shut and i just let it out.
i cover my mouth with both hands and my knees go weak as i begin to sob silently.
he rushes to me and catches me in his strong arms before i hit the ground.
"hey just take a breath. it's going to be okay. i've got you. i'm here."
i wet his night shirt with tears and hold him tightly.
"why is everything happening now? why now? this was supposed to be a nice little trip to regain my sanity by being with just you. but we fought, then mom shows up. what happens next? jungkook calls and tells us jimin's been in an accident? or taehyung steps on a rusty nail and gets whatever that disease is because he never wears shoes? why now? why right now?"
he pushes me off of him slightly so i can look into his eyes.
he swipes his warm thumb over the icy skin under my eye and rests his hand on my cheek.
i lean into the touch.
his scent becomes apparent again; like at the beginning of our journey, it's strong.
peaches and old spice.
that's my hoseok.
"it's happening right now so as your life progresses, the hardships will have been dealt with. it's going to be okay yoongi. and i know you don't like to hear that but-"
"it's okay when it's from you. it's comforting when coming from your lips."
he pulls me back into his benevolent embrace, and i'm okay for a moment.
then the tears start again.
"hoseok i don't know what to do."
i push him away from me and put my hands behind my head, beginning to pace the room.
"normally i'd be smoking and drinking until this was just a dull memory, but i can't and i don't know how to cope. i'm freaking out hoseok. i'm nothing without my cigarettes because yes, you make me feel better and i- i love you but... i don't know. i just can't do anything anymore. every time i get a bit anxious or upset i need the smoke. it's like i can't even just sit there and be because then my brain will attack me and i'll need it. i need to smoke. i need to fucking smoke. but i love you. and i'm starting to love me a bit more everyday. so i can't. because i need to stay here with you. i can't smoke. but i fucking need it hoseok you have no fucking clue."
my body gives up on staying upright and i slowly collapse on the floor.
i curl into a ball and press my knees into my eyes as i sob.
my lungs ache from crying so passionately, but i can't stop.
i feel a hand on my back and i jump.
"baby, i understand. just let me hold you. it might calm your nerves a little bit."
"no!" i snap, my voice hoarse.
i don't mean to shout like i do.
but i don't want him to touch me.
i don't want him to talk to me.
i have to solve this on my own like always.
i figure out a way to make it all just fade somehow.
but now i don't have my normal tools.
so i have to make due.
"i don't need your help with this. i've had this disorder all my life, i can find a way to work through it. please just leave me alone."
i don't mean to be such a cock but i just need to be alone.
i just need to work it out on my own.
"yoongi i'm not leaving you right now."
"hoseok go! please i need you to go!"
he tries to hug me but i stand and move out of his grip.
"hoseok LEAVE! i need to be fucking ALONE!"
he steps back.
i've never yelled at him before.
"do you want me to play music?"
"no! just go!"
my stomach lurches upward and i grip onto it.
i head for the bathroom as he heads for the door.
it jumps again and i throw up.
i hear footsteps and then water begin running.
i sweat profusely as i throw up again.
a cold rag is pressed to my neck and he rubs my back.
"it's okay, baby. breathe."
again.
that's all i've got.
but my body refuses to believe that.
he pushes my overgrown hair out of my eyes as i dry heave over and over.
he uses the rag on my neck to wipe my mouth as i lean against the cabinet to catch the breath i'd lost.
he puts it in the sink and helps me to get my shirt off.
"you feel better?"
i taste pennies.
"i threw up blood hoseok."
he turns his head to see if my statement was accurate.
his hand goes to his mouth and i see him shaking as tears cloud over his eyes.
"that's why it's all happening now,"  i state.
"yoongi, don't talk like that."
"it's so i have no unfinished business."
"stop saying those things yoongi, please!"
"hoseok." i touch his cheek weakly.
he looks at me as the tears that had formed earlier streak down his face.
"this battle that we're fighting was lost from the beginning."
"yoongi"
"hoseok we have to admit it. i'm basically gone already. this is the beginning of the end hob-ah. smiles are turning into tears already. lazy days are already turning into anxiety ridden battles with god. begging him to let me survive. hoseok. i'm not going to be here much longer. it's only going to get worse.  my limbs will soon get to the point of being too sore to move. and i'll start to forget things. so i'm saying this now. i love you. with all of my being i love you. and i mean that more than i've meant anything i've ever said. but hoseok if you love me, you won't try to give me false hope that i'm okay. because i'm not. so hoseok just be with me. and love me until you can't anymore."
he takes my hand in his.
we're both shaking.
"yoongi i don't care what happens to you. you can be dead or alive or in a coma for 37 years, i don't care. i will always, always, love you."
he plants a kiss on my frail, white knuckles.
"so i don't care how bad it gets. i'm staying with you until we're united again. i'm staying no matter what. i'm here."
i look at him through a blurry layer of tears that were built up in my eyes.
"then marry me."
he looks up at me.
"wh-what?"
"i want you to marry me, hoseok."
he kisses my forehead.
we've talked about this already.
but then it was just soon to be.
i don't want to be soon to be anything that i could just be.
i'm still soon to be dead.
but i can't change that.
i can change my soon to be married status.
so i'm going to.
"then i'll marry you. and i'll give you an amazing honey moon. and i'll get you a big cake that we'll eat for as long as we can. i'll give you whatever you desire my love, just tell me what it is."
"you don't have to do all of that. all i want is you. that's all. can i please have you?"
"until the sun dies and longer my love, you'll have me."