sunshine • myg + jhs

30

i wake up at 6:23 am and can't go back to sleep.
it's still pitch black outside and i don't think i'm ready to see cranky, morning hoseok yet.
so i go downstairs, put on coffee, and go into the den.
it's still exactly where she put it the day it was delivered.
my first love.
my piano.
i go to sit at it and remember my mother telling me about what had happened to dad.
she lied that day.
and i never thought to question her story until Geum Jae was in court.
i hate myself for that.
i used to think he was a good man.
i used to believe him when he said he was going to the hospital.
i used to believe him when he said he loved me.
you don't do that to a child that you love.
i let my fingers find their place and close my eyes.
my fingers move freely, remembering the way to flow by themselves.
chopin's perlude.
mom always asked for chopin's perlude.
made her stop crying about dad and start crying about the beauty that the masterpiece of frédéric chopin that echoed throughout the entire house.
it was something.
but the fucked up part, is that she's the one who really sparked my interest in music, and the one who crushed my dreams.
i didn't really get into music until later, but if i hadn't gotten this piano, i would be so different than i am right now.
i'd be starving and broke, had never met jimin, or hoseok.
so many things would have gone wrong.
i'd most likely already be dead.
my music kept me going through my hardest times.
now i have hoseok too.
but if i hadn't had music to get me to seoul, he wouldn't even be in my life right now.
i take a breath and let my fingers go, opening my eyes and watching the keys that they play.
i remember sitting in this exact spot while my mom and brother shouted in the room right next to this one.
i could just hear the sounds.
because this very spot, helped me through so much when i was younger. i could drown out words that i didn't want in my brain, i could forget all the bad of the day and just play.
everything was so good.
but now that i think back, i can hear every word crystal clear.
crystal fucking clear.

"i can't believe you lied to him! he's young, yes, but he deserves to know."
"no he doesn't! he's a child! he doesn't need that much negativity piled into his innocent little brain. he still thinks of him as a dad. to you he was a father and only that. to your brother he was a dad. you will never lose him like yoongi has. so i am not telling him that the person he loved and cared for the most, that the man he looked up to, forced sex onto boys like him. i'm not telling my son that his father was a bad man. he knows that he was sick. but he thought that the only sickness was in his lungs. he had no clue about his brain. he was sick geum jae. i refuse to let yoongi know that. because personally i think he deserved to be taken out the way he was. and i will not having yoongi think that way too."
then it was just me and the piano for a moment.
then the arguments started back up.
"did he ever hit you, mom?"
"what are you talking about?"
"you know exactly what i'm talking about. he hit me. sometimes he'd hit yoongi too. did he ever hit you, mom?"
"geum jae, he was sick."
"THAT BASTARD."
"don't raise your voice like that using such inappropriate words! he is your father. respect his name."
"he is not my father. i refuse to believe that someone so shitty made me. i refuse to believe that i have the DNA of such a son of a bitch. he deserved what he got. are you okay, mom? did he ever hurt you badly?"
"it doesn't mater. he's gone now. and i know he was a bad man. a very bad man. but he was my husband. and i loved him despite everything. he was my one and only. had been since we were 14. i can't just let that go."
the piano fills out the hole in their conversation.

i'm scared of my dad.
even though i know he can't come back or hurt me anymore, i could have been one of those boys.
it could have been me underneath him when tht shot was fired.
it could be me suffering with all of that PTSD.
i feel a presence beside me and flinch.
"good morning my love."
his voice is like honey.
so smooth, and sweeter than sugar.
i feel my tense muscles relax.
he kisses my cheek and puts his hand on my thigh as my fingers stop on the keys.
"good morning."
i guess i sound uptight or something because he asks what's wrong.
"nothing. just tense air."
"need to relax?"
"i already tried. i can't sleep."
he chuckles and kisses my lips this time.
"sleep isn't the only way to relax sweetheart."
"what do you have in mind?"
he smiles.
"how about we go to the store," he kisses my cheek, "and when we get back" he kisses the other cheek, "i'll make us some breakfast." he kisses my lips again.
i smile.
"okay. okay, i'd like that."
he stands up and holds out his hand.
i grab onto it and he helps me to my feet.
"namjoon and jin are taking care of the puppy right?"
he nods.
"okay good."