sunshine • myg + jhs

19

we arrive quicker than i'd expected.
people crowd the park.
i take jimin's hand immediately.
"i've got you babe. just take a breath and count for me," i do as told.
the smells of fresh spring rains and blooming flowers and everything good in the world fill my nose as numbers roam around my brain.
i realize soon after we bein walking towards the grassy area of the park that it's a bit too sunny for the black sweater.
i'll most likely sweat out the last little bit of disposable water that i have in me, but at least it's not cold anymore.
i don't mind the cold because of the fact that i can feel it everywhere.
but that doesn't mean i like it.
i, personally, like rain.
maybe it's the fact that i'm always going and going and going and can never just feel, so the sky crys for me.
or that's how it used to be at least.
now i can't seem to stop feeling.
but i still love the rain.
so spring is my favorite time of the year.
the rain never seems to stop.
"hey baby where are you at?" i hear jimin say and i'm pulled from my thoughts about the nature surrounding me.
his phone is pressed to his far ear, and yet i can still hear taehyung talking on the other line.
i won't be able to survive today without cigarettes or hoseok.
yes.
i like taehyung.
yes.
at one time we were good friends.
but, yes.
he's the most child-like man i've ever met.
it's hard for me to deal with him even when i am smoking.
not that tae is bad or anything.
it's just that he's a lot to handle at times.
i see his bright blue hair before jimin so i point.
"there,"
jimin smiles and hangs up.
we head over, and the first person i see is hoseok.
i hug taehyung, and let him babble on about yeontan for a bit, then go up to hobi.
"why're you here?" i ask, sounding a bit more rude than i'd intended.
"this is my friend tae, i told you about him, remember?"
"oh, i didn't expect it to be this tae," i look over to the younger boy who sits on a bench and speaks with jimin, "taehyungah! you got a job at bighit?"
he stands and comes towards me, a big smile on his face.
"yes, i did. i am an actor!" he seems so happy.
that makes me smile.
"great job. i'm proud of you, kiddo."
i hear hoseok chuckle.
"and what's funny,"
"you used to call me kiddo, and now..." he trails off.
i guess he remembered i didn't say it back.
clears his throat.
"want to walk with me?"
i nod and we venture to the trail for people who walk in the park.
"it's been weird not speaking to you as much lately. what happened?" he says.
"i got out of the hospital. you're not stuck with me anymore,"
he looks at me.
i continue to look straight.
"i know i spooked you when i said what i did," he admits, "and i do apologize. but yoongi you're not like most other people. maybe it's the fact that you have actual feelings. maybe it's the fact that in despite of those tolls on your mentality, you still act like and appear to be a little kitten. maybe it's the fact that you care so much or-"
"stop it hoseok!" i say turning toward him. "please just stop! this love shit that you are trying to force upon me does not exist! yes i may say i love you to jimin. but he won't shut up if i don't! plus he's been around so long and i know that he's the closest i've ever come to feeling the toxic, imaginary, concept of love. i thought i loved him. and yes i thought i loved namhyung. but after what i experienced, i've finally realized that it's a sham. everyone is pushed to be in love and it's all bullshit hoseok. it's all bullshit. so stop telling me you love me. because it's not true! love is a lie. it's a fucking lie."
it's quiet for a few seconds and i start to walk again.
he follows.
"who hurt you, min yoongi?"
"you know who hurt me. you know most everything."
"it was your father wasn't it? he-"
"please. don't observe my father. i don't want you to look at me differently. he's a fucking-" i realize i'm saying to much and reword my sentence "he's a bad bad person. stop trying to observe everything. if i wanted you to know i'd state it. okay?"
it's quiet for a little longer.
and i start to think of my father.
and i'm so caught up in memories that i don't realize when hoseok stops walking.
"he had the same thing, didn't he?"
i turn around.
"don't try to observe my fucking father, jung hoseok. anyone. anything. but my fucking father."
"he didn't get his required treatment, did he?"
tears prick at my eyes.
"shut up!"
"he smoked through it, didn't he?"
"hoseok shut up!"
"he killed himself. just like you were trying to do. didn't. he."
i turn around and go back to where we came from, grabbing jimin from his seat beside taehyung.
"i can't! i can't deal with him!" i say as we walk to the sidewalk to hail a cab.
suddenly i'm pulled back by a set of strong, yet dainty hands.
it's him.
i can't stop the stream of tears that flow rapidly down my face as he pulls me to his chest.
"you have no right! i told you to quit analyzing me and my problemed life but you didn't. fuck you! fuck. you."
"your father told you he loved you, but didn't try for you. he told your mother the same. but didn't try. he just smoked and worked himself into the grave. but yoongi you aren't your father. understand that. you aren't your father,"
"i have the same disease as him! i have the same habbits as him! i have the same shitty lungs as him! i am my father! it's inevitable i can't stop it now no matter how much i try! i'm him. i'm just as shitty of a man as him. i'm just-"
his lips press into mine and i resist the kiss at first, but when his hand pulls me close, i can't help but to melt into his tenderness.
he's my nicotine patch.
so i don't have to be like my father.