sunshine • myg + jhs

17

i look at all the marks on me in the full length mirror on the back of the door.
bruises and discolorations decorate my usually pale skin.
i run my hand over my ribs.
most of the pain is gone.
he didn't hurt them too bad.
i get to go home tomorrow.
hoseok is gone to get me food, jimin is still with his boyfriend.
i'm all alone.
even though'm not as dangerous while alone anymore, showers continue to fill me with a type of calming bliss that one cannot achieve while dry.
i turn on the water and run it until its hot, setting up my playlist while the drain disposes of the cold water.
i grip onto the hand rail and step inside.
the steam flushes through my shit show of a respiratory system and i feel a bit more relaxed; the heat loosening the tense muscles i sport and the raining of the water making my blood pump easier.
the music plays faintly, the water masking most of the volume, but i can still hear it enough to know the exact feelings the artist is trying to convey through their lyrical masterpiece.
i take another big breath of steam as i push my green hair back away from my face.
the lyrics ring in my head and i remember what i wrote when receiving my treatment.
i could make it better.
i pause my music and try to remember the words i had put onto the paper.
soon i do, and i'm spitting them with a smooth flow, determining how i'm going to make the beat and record t once i'm safe and alone with my laptop.
i figure out the beat in my head as i repeat my lyrics.
over and over, until i'm screaming the curses in a language i don't even fully understand.
i'm happy with it.
i'm happy with my happiness as well.
so i turn off the water and begin to dry off.
shaking my head vigorously to get all the loose water out, then toweling it off.
i wrap the same towel around my waist and moisturize my skin before going back in my room to clothe myself.
"what song was that, hyung?"
my life is extracted from my body than forced back into it.
"yah! you almost gave me a heart attack!" i shout.
he chuckles and looks up from his phone, trying hard to keep his eyes on my face.
i suddenly realize i'm bare and cover myself by crossing my arms in front of my chest.
he stands and walks towards me.
"i'm sorry, love. now that song? what was it. i want to download it."
he goes behind me and digs in my bag for some panties and a sweat suit i haven't worn yet.
"you can't," i say as he hands me my clothes.
"and now why is that?"
i don't want to tell him it was me.
but i do.
word vomit.
"i wrote it. was trying to find my flow so i could finish it up when i get my laptop."
he seems shocked.
i would be too.
i mean to him, i'm a soft little squish.
and all those feelings don't come out of a soft little squish.
so i understand his confusion.
"you wrote that? why didn't you tell me you could rap like that? you're so good."
i look down.
"thanks,"
i turn and go to the bathroom to change.
"wait. that thanks was different. what did i say?"
"nothing. it's fine."
"no yoongi really. what?"
"hoseok i said it's fine,"
i try to walk to the bathroom again but he puts himself in front of me.
i look up at him, a bit annoyed.
the lack of nicotine and his persistence to get me to talk.
it's just a bit of an eye rolling moment.
"what. was it?"
"hoseok i dont talk about my feelings. you know that, so when i say it's fine, leave it alone because i'm not-"
"yoongi what-"
"I DON'T-" i regret screaming immediately and stop, "i don't like compliments. there. you happy? now may i please get past so i can be not naked right now."
he lets me past and into the bathroom.
"yoongi taking compliments doesn't make you egotistical!" he says through the door as i pull on my panties.
"it makes you self aware. and it's not bad if someone likes something about you. it's-"
i open the door.
"please. shut. up." i say, "this is why i didn't want to talk about it. i knew you'd try and convince me that my feelings are inaccurate and push me to believe something i don't. hoseok you can't change my brain. it's fried. with all the shit that goes through it on a daily basis, it's not going to change just because you tell me that it's not bad to have someone tell me something good about myself. it's fucked up. you wouldn't understand that though. and honestly i'm so happy that you don't. because it's fucked up. and i wouldn't want you to have to go through it,"
"yoongi i know that i can't change you but i wasn't trying to. i was trying to help make you feel less slimey."
"well i'm not going to feel less slimey because thats how i'm wired. i've been like this since senior high. so please. don't waste your time trying."
"i'm not wasting my time, yoongi! i'm just trying to help! so open your fucking mind and fucking listen to my words! i'm not trying to change you!" he realizes he's shouting and stops quickly, "i don't mean to yell. i apologize. but i'm trying to be there for you. and i'm going to keep trying. no matter if you let me in. or push me away. or tell me that you're wired to not let me. i'm going to keep fucking trying," he gets closer to me. "why? because i'm falling in fucking love with you and you can't fucking change that."
i feel my heart swell and drop into my stomach.
i don't know how to respond.
so thank the lord that he doesn't give me time.
his lips meet mine, and he's so passionate.
but i'm shaking in my sweats.
he's falling in love with me.
he's falling in love with me.
he's falling. in love. with me.
he's falling in love with me.
nope.
doesn't matter how i say it.
it doesn't sound right.
he's... perfect.
i'm me.