sunshine • myg + jhs

26

i sit in front of my computer crying like a child who's been told no.
jimin isn't home.
hoseok is gone to work, as has taehyung.
i'm stuck with my thoughts.
normally they wouldn't break me, the ones about dying, but this time it's so different.
my hands shake.
my heart pounds.
my lungs ache for the smoke that i used to suck into them.
they ache because of the smoke that i used to suck into them.
the music i blare does nothing.
normally it'd help but right now i'm not normal.
i'm fucked up.
the patches are shit and nobody is home to keep me from going into the danger that silence possesses.
i only think of death.
and it makes me want it sooner.
because that's not normal.
i'm supposed to be thinking of all the good i can do in my amount of time, all the happiness i can achieve, but i'm thinking of tears and formaldehyde.
i can't fucking stop.
i try.
i try to write but my brain doesn't work with me.
i try to sleep, but it's impossible.
i just keep picturing my hoseok crying, asking God why, and hating me for leaving.
my nails dig into the back of my neck and i pull my knees to my chest.
i bury my face between my kneecaps and try to calm the tears that stream down my face, but they just keep coming.
i hear ringing and voices that tell me of all the bad things that are going to happen.
it's not even what if's anymore.
it's when's.
i scream out curses and beg my brain to shut up and just let me live.
but it doesn't.
the thoughts just go faster and faster and faster and then,
he's there.
i'm in his arms crying and shaking and begging for it all to stop.
he runs his hands over my hair and down my back to calm me, singing jimin's song as he does so.

it's okay come on when I say one two three you can forget it
erase all sad memories hold my hand and smile
it's okay come on when i say one two three you can forget it
erase all sad memories
smile holding onto each other's hands
hoping for more good days
if you believe what i say then
count one two three,
count one two three

he holds me tight and rocks me like a child as i sit on his lap, crying just the same as one.
"take a breath, hyung. i know i'm not your favorite person in the world. but i'm here. and i've got you."
i continue to cry.
my body begging me for some nicotine.
one hand rubs circles around the small of my back as the other runs itself through my hair.
"yoongi, it's all going to be okay. just take a deep breath and talk it out. i know i might seem like a total douche bag to you, but i can help."
i stand up from him and start pacing
"i can't take a deep breath jungkook! i can't even take a medium sized breath. I CAN'T BREATHE. and talk? i can't talk. it's too fast up here." i point to my head. "it morphs together and makes no sense when it comes out."
"i'm with jimin. i understand things better when they make no sense."
i nod.
that's accurate.
jimin doesn't talk very clearly.
the kid's smart as shit, but his brain is always moving to quickly and everything he says merges into ine giant mega-word that isn't even in the correct order.
"so i keep thinking about dying. i don't know if you know but i'm supposed to be doing that soon. but normally i could do that and it be normal. i'd be like yes. can't wait. i get to leave this shitty place and return to hell where i belong. now i'm terrified. i'm a bad person and i have such good people surrounding me and i'm a dick and i'm going to leave them and they're all going to be angry and i can't even do anything to stop it anymore. i used to think i could get out of here and be done with everything and everything would be good but now i'm going to hurt so many people and i don't talk about feelings with people so i can't tell everyone how i feel and that i'm sorry because that'll just make them even angrier and-"
he looks lost.
i knew it.
"okay. i'm sorry. moral of the story-"
"you're scared. of dying. what you'll do to people here. where you'll go. you're scared of it all. you don't have to dumb it down for me i'm actually a pretty smart guy."
"you drink like 74 bottles of banana milk everyday. i assumed you had a child's brain."
"oh yes i most definitely do. but if i need to be my age i am completely capable."
i look at the floor, tears beginning to resurface.
i hate asking for advice.
hate it.
"what do you suggest i do?"
i hear the sound of his boots against the floor, signaling that he'd stood up, so i look at him.
"i suggest you fight. you pray. and you say whatever and do whatever you want. i suggest you tell everyone how you feel about them so there's nothing left unsaid."
i chuckle.
"you're telling me to talk? to talk? you're dumb. i don't talk unless i'm forced to."
"you're talking to me right now, hyung."
fuck.
valid point.
"but. okay. i'm weird! my head is fucked up! i don't understand it either, but if i really appreciate you, i can't tell you that. i feel as if i'm giving you too much power. that i'mputting my heart in your hand and giving you permission to break it. i don't know. i'm just fucked up! it makes no sense but it's me."
he looks at me with sad eyes.
"pray," he demands, "you say you can't do anything, and even if it doesn't save you, may as well get closer to the lord so you can worry a bit less about where you're going."
"God can't save me, kiddo. i'm too far gone."
"you'd be surprised at the things i did before jimin turned me. and even if you don't believe that you can be saved by anything anymore, try. just establish a relationship with Him. for your life yoongi, do it." he pauses and realizes who he's talking to. "or better yet, so you're doing everything you can so you aren't making the ones you care for cry. please? for jimin. for hoseok."
my heart sinks.
"okay fine. i'll try."
he nods and goes into the kitchen.
"do you feel any better?" he asks.
"not really. a little bit though."
he pulls out a container of banana milk and shuts the refrigerator back.
"thank you jungkook. you're a good guy.... i-" i pause, rethink my sentence, then say it anyway, "i'm glad jimin found someone like you."
he seems shocked.
"but you hate me!"
"ehh. i hated that i wasn't you for a long time. then that faded and i didn't have anything else to do so i continued to hate you."
he smiles.
"so you don't hate me anymore? you used my name!"
"i never said that. i sai-"
"la la la! i can't hear you anymore! you don't hate me!" he sings dashing off to jimin's room, banana milk in hand.
i laugh.
cute kid.