sunshine • myg + jhs

42

i lay my head on his chest and hear his faint heartbeat.
namjoon and jin have gone out to get food, taehyung the same, jimin and jungkook are still at home.
i'm all alone with him.
i just want him to wake up so i can kiss him and tell him i'm sorry.
i just want him to be okay.
"please hoseok. please i don't know if you can hear me, or know who i am if you can. it's yoongi. listen to me okay? you gotta get better babe. i need you to wake up. i'm not ready to let go. i'm getting sicker and sicker and you would be perfectly fine if- if not for me. i need you to wake up so i can tell you that i'm sorry. i need you to wake up so i can tell you that i love you. i need you to wake up hoseok. i need to hear your voice. wake up so i can hear it soon. please. i need you. i need you here. i've lived with you and i took that for granted and i'm so sorry. now that you're gone... hoseok i can't keep going like this. i miss you. i need you here and responsive. hoseok please. if you can hear me. try harder."
i lean down to kiss his forehead, as heavy tears flow quickly from my eyes.
"please" i say again, my lips still pressed to his forehead.
the door clicks open and i remove myself from him.
"i'm sorry." tae says stepping in.
he closes the door behind him and comes over to me.
"no it's okay. i was just..." i turn to look at him. "talking."
he wraps his hands around my waist and hugs me tightly.
"yoongi we're going to get through this, okay?" i can hear his voice break, signaling he's about to cry too.
i nod into his shoulder and he hugs me tighter.
it hurts.
i cough and he moves away.
"are you okay?" he asks as i cover my mouth.
i shake my head no and limp my way to the bathroom.
i make it just in time.
i drop to my knees, understanding as i do so that i've bruised them, and hunch over the toilet.
blood spatters the white ceramic red and i cry as it just keeps coming.
"yoongi, just breathe. it's going to be okay."
"shut-" it comes again, forcing me to pause, "up taehyung! it's not going to be okay! can't you fucking-" again, "see that?! i can't breathe and i'm throwing up blood and bile. i'm not okay! this is not okay! it's not OKAY!" it comes again and i heave.
i have nothing left in me.
blood turns the water pink as my lungs beg to be inflated.
i can't breathe.
i can't fucking breathe.
taehyung comes to the bathroom and swipes sweaty hair from my forehead.
he rubs my back and i heave again.
and again.
and again.
i try to breathe but it doesn't work.
i can't.
"c-call. someone." i manage and he quickly stands up and screams for a nurse.
just as everything goes black, a mask wraps around my face and it's a bit easier to breathe.
i feel pressure on my chest, then it releases.
it happens quickly.
once.
twice.
three times.
four.
five.
"c'mon yoongi please. please."
wait.
what's happening?
i feel a head on my chest then the pressure starts again.
"yoongi come one. pull through."
i feel my weight shift, and then i feel nothing.
i can't hear taehyung crying anymore.
i can't feel the pressure on my chest.
i can only see blue.
i turn around and hoseok's smiling for me.
"painless isn't it?" he asks.
i run and wrap my arms around him quickly, my eyes surprisingly dry.
i want to cry.
i'm so incredibly happy, and i want to cry.
but i can't.
"hoseok where are we? why are we here?"
"we're waiting. to see if we go there-" he points up to what looks like the sun, "or there." he points downwards and i look.
it's me.
i'm pale and limp.
taehyung is crying and there are nurses pressing on my chest, listening, then pressing again.
"are we dead?"
"see i thought that too. but no. we're only dead if we can't see down there anymore."
i look back to him.
i take a deep breath in, to smell his peachy scent that i'd missed so much.
it doesn't hurt.
"can you see it?"
"yes, i can see it baby. very well. how about you. is it vivid for you. or kind of grey?"
"grey. what does that mean?"
"that means it's time to go back."
"but why. why can't we just stay here. we'll be happy and there will be no more worrying and it will be great. why can't we just go there and be painless and happy."
he takes my hand in his and runs his slender thumb over my knuckles.
"because the world isn't over for us yet my love. right now. we don't want to. as much as you think we might. we're still too young. yes, we do get the choise. but sometimes we have to try a lot harder to get where we want. trust me i've been trying to get back there with you for weeks. because we still have to live some more. and you've got to go back down there, right now, if you want to see the real me again baby. i'm going to keep trying. i'm not going to go up there yet. i refuse. so go for me won't you? i'll be there soon. i promise."
i feel him push me and then i wake up beneath a nurse.
"okay. okay we've got him. he's alive."
pain rings through my chest and when i look to my left i see a defibrillator.
they shocked me.
was i dead?
everything just went black and i went numb.
it was painful.
i felt trapped.
now i feel more alive than ever.
more free than i've ever felt.
and i don't know why.
maybe the shock.
the electricity is still lingering in my veins.
i draw in a deep breath as i'm lifted from the floor.
i turn to see taehyung with tear streaked cheeks.
he's so lean.
how can he carry me?
he lays me down in the empty bed in front of hoseok's, and sits down next to me.
"i'm never. ever. leaving you." he says, taking my hand into his.
"you can try and fight me and push me away as much as you want, but yoongi i'm never leaving you until the day you die."
i want to ask him, "what if i die soon?"
but i can't.
plus, i don't want to break his little heart.
namjoon, jin, jimin, and jungkook all file in.
jungkook pushes his way to my bed and presses his forehead to mine.
i barely know this kid, the fuck is he doing?
he closes his eyes and the boys join hands.
"save them both. please. we need them."