sunshine • myg + jhs

29

the tears are falling fast.
my heart feels as if it's imploding.
"i love you, do you hear me? i love you. and i'm scared of you. so please. don't leave me hoseok. i need you. i love you." 
he walks towards me aggressively and presses his pointer finger into my chest.
"you're saying that so i won't leave you bastard. playing with feelings like that just to manipulate me?"
he realizes the insult that he'd let slip and i see his eyes fill with regret, but he doesn't budge.
i can tell he doesn't do this often, but he's trying to stand his ground with me.
he's trying to get me to fight.
and i will because i do.
i need him.
i need him more than i need anything else in this world.
"hoseok i am. i'm saying that so you won't leave. but i also mean it more than i mean everything. hoseok i'm terrified of losing you, i'm terrified of getting myself attached and-"
"yoongi i'm not going anywhere. i've told you that over and over and over. i'm not leaving," he digs his finger into my sternum, "i'm not,"
"well you almost just did."
his face falls.
i keep talking.
"i wasn't even talking about you though. i'm leaving."
"don't say that."
i talk over him.
"i'm going somewhere, hoseok it's inevitable and no matter how much we think we can fight it, no matter how much we pray, no matter how much we try to convince ourselves that we'll get through it, we can't."
tears streak my face as i keep speaking.
"and i don't want to hurt you more than i have to when i do go so i didn't want to tell you. i felt the pain that my father induced by loving me, then leaving me when he could have done so much more to stay. i don't want you to have to feel the agony and grief that i did. i didn't want to put all of that on you. i don't want to be the reason that pure little heart of yours hurts. i don't want to be the reason you're depressed. but hoseok i do love you. i do. and i need you with me. yes. i did. i said it so you'd stay. but i do. i was just too fearful of being attached. then you started to go and the fear of losing you, for even a little bit, outweighed the fear of attachment by a lot. i'm still scared. so please don't leave me hoseok. i love you. if i- if i didn't have you. i'd still be smoking. i'd have never gotten close with jimin again or reconnected with taehyung. i'd still be cold and bitter.  i'd be closer to dying than i am right now. i need you to keep me stable hoseok. i need you. you balance me out. you're the happy that i need to survive. now that i've had you, i can't go on and fight without you. don't leave. don't take a break from me. please."
it's quiet.
his hand moves from its spot on my chest.
i immediately hug him, i can't help myself.
he's my only source of bliss.
my only comfort.
"we just had a fight." he states, beginning to cry as well.
i cry into his chest.
"i'm so sorry." i say.
"no, no baby you did nothing wrong. i don't know what i was thinking. that wasn't me. i feel supremely awful and i apologize."
i squeeze him.
"don't feel that way, this is my fault, not yours. i was the one who was inconsiderate and-"
"kiss me and forget it happened because i just want to love you and prove to you that i'm here."
i look up at him.
his face is wet with tears.
i've already hurt him.
and i've not even died yet.
"we're okay, it's okay." he says holding my chin up with his thumb and index finger.
"promise?"
"i promise."
"you aren't going anywhere?"
"i swear that i'm not."
"pinky thumb promise?"
he furrows his eyebrows.
"take your pinky, lock it with mine, touch thumbs, and it's sealed. if you break a pinky thumb promise, the world ends."
he chuckles.
he's so beautiful.
i love him so much.
and that terrifies me.
but it feels so good to just admit to it.
to just let myself feel.
he locks his pinky with mine without breaking eye contact.
"i pinky thumb promise."
our lips meet and i feel like i haven't kissed him in ages.
he holds me close as i let my fingers intertwine with the hair on the back of his head.
i just feel safe.
and that security makes me relax more than a shower ever could.
when we do pull away, we linger in our places, our foreheads connected between us.
"one day, i want to put a ring on your finger and pinky thumb promise you forever. how ever long that may be for us."
"i'm soon to be a lot of things. some of those things, even i don't know. and if married is one of said things, then i'm ecstatic that it will be to you."
he smiles and kisses me again, pulling himself away from me.
"soon to be." his coffee's gone cold, but he still takes a big drink from it. "you're my soon to be."
i hold out my pinky.
he holds out his.
we lock them and lock eyes.
"soon to be." i say.
he repeats me.
"soon to be."
we touch thumbs and that's that.
he promise is made.
cannot be broken.
we don't promise marriage.
we don't promise to grow old.
we don't promise children or a big beautiful house with a pool.
we don't promise a life.
we promise soon to be.
because the inevitable is inescapable.
and neither of us want to make a promise that we know we'll never be able to keep.
so we promise soon to be.
a promise that can be fulfilled or can be left empty, and still be unbroken.