sunshine • myg + jhs

18

i sit in front of my laptop, trying to compose something that would go with the flow i'd gotten in the shower yesterday.
my damp hair drips down my shirtless back but i don't really care enough to mind.
i haven't really spoken much to hoseok after he said what he did.
yes we've shared a few words and smiles.
but it's all different now.
i start thinking about him.
and my feelings for him.
but then realize what i'm supposed to be doing.
i start to work, but jimin has other plans.
"hey babe, i'm going to the park and you're coming too. you have no other choice. it's tan's birthday and tae tae is a giant child so he's having a party. all of his friends are coming."
i laugh.
"you're joking right?"
he looks at me.
"wait really? who all is going to be there? you know how i am with-"
"don't worry babe. it's going to be alright. you have me. and if at any time you get too badly anxious we can go. okay? please. he misses you."
"he told you that?"
"well yeah. he doesn't know what happened. you just stopped being friends one day. which is exactly what happened with me. and i know how i felt. and it wasn't too pleasant. you've got to come yoongs,"
"okay fine. i'll go."
i stand up and begin to stretch.
"yay. be ready in ten,"
i look at him and sit back down, reopening my laptop.
"i said ten minutes! get dressed!"
"exacty. you said ten minutes. i have half an hour."
he stays quiet.
"you know. i would argue. but that's pretty accurate."
he steps into my room and opens my blinds.
"that's too much light for my heliophobic ass!" i hiss, standing to shut them again.
"keep them open. i will smack you. you know i will. you need light. you never go out when the sun is shining, you never drink orange juice, you're lacking all of your vitamins; and on top of that look at your color. you're paler than a ghost."
"it's winter."
"it's march."
he leaves and i check my phone.
oh shit.
did i miss my own fucking birthday?
i check the day.
the second.
okay.
i'm not that unaware.
i start to work again.
i want to make everything the best it can be.
that's what they'll find when i'm gone.
and i'll be famous beyond my years.
everyone will know my real name.
i stand and pop my back, pressing my fingers into my spine to do so.
it satisfies me to feel less tense, so i pop my neck and knuckles too.
now i understand why hoseok does this so much.
i decide to dress simply.
a light, black sweater and ripped jeans, paired with my favorite hightops.
i gaze into the mirror at my face.
my bruises are still there.
faint, but there.
i ruffle my hair and make it look a bit better before pulling on my hat.
it still smells like hoseok.
old spice and peaches.
normally i'd smoke and wait for jimin outside.
but i can't.
i want to.
but i can't.
i pace around the kitchen, knowing exactly where my hidden carton is.
but i can't.
i need it.
the nicotine.
the buzz.
the dizziness and pain.
i need it.
but.
i.
can't.
"JIMIN WOULD YOU HURRY?"
i press my hands to my nape; my lungs feel as if they are combusting.
but i continue walking.
trying to talk myself calm.
trying to not think of how insane i'm going to become without these smokey fuckers.
"JIMIN. HURRY!"
i head back to his room, thinking it'll help.
it's cluttered and makes me nervous, but at least i'm not in the kitchen anymore.
"i'm almost ready." he smiles.
his upbeat, high pitched music bringing pain to my picky ears.
"jimin where are the patches?" he stops the music and what he's doing and looks at me in the mirror, "i'm going crazy. i need a smoke. i fucking need it. but i can't have it because i need hoseok more. but i need something. i-it hurts."
my lungs ache for the nicotine.
i want it so much.
my body craves it.
without it, it feels like i'm dying.
he walks out of the bathroom and rummages through his bag from the hospital that he hadn't bothered to unpack.
"you weren't like this before, what happened?"
"I DON'T KNOW."
i don't mean to shout, but i'm in pain and i'm angry, and all the time hoseok's words replay in my head.
"i'm falling in fucking love with you and you can't fucking change that."
i can't control myself anymore.
he rushes to bring me a patch as tears begin to fall from my eyes.
i press my back to a wall and let myself collapse.
i'm not just going through withdrawal.
i'm having an anxiety attack on top of that.
his hand ventures up my shirt and he sticks it onto my chest before pulling me into his.
his arms wrap around me tightly and i try to suck everything up but i can't.
hoseok opened a gate.
"yoongi you'll get through this. i know you will. you're so strong. and you've gotten through so much," his hands run through my hair and over my neck.
but i can't calm down.
so he starts to sing.
it's his own little song.
he always sings it to me and everyone else when we're down.
his soft voice is like a type of tranquilizer.
it helps.

it's okay come on when I say one two three you can forget it
erase all sad memories hold my hand and smile
it's okay come on when i say one two three you can forget it
erase all sad memories
smile holding onto each other's hands
hoping for more good days
if you believe what i say then
count one two three,
count one two three

"do it yoongi. count for me."
i take a breath, avoiding letting him know how much agony that action inflicts upon me, and do it.
"one. two. three."
"take away one."
"two. three."
"and two."
"three."
"again,"
"one. two. three. two. three. three."
i sit up and look at him.
he smiles sweetly and runs his hand over the back of my head.
"are you okay?"
i sniff, nodding.
"okay. good. now play your music and sit in here while i finish getting ready."
i nod again and he stands up, handing me his phone.
i play my music and put my head against the wall as it vibrates through my body.
music truly can be the cure for most anything.