sunshine • myg + jhs

28

"what?"
"just trust me."
the rickety, abandoned house looks absolutely appalling from the outside.
i'm aware of that.
but the doors are intact, the windows as well, and i know the inside like the back of my hand.
plus i cleaned it up a lot last time.
the inside is way better looking.
i unlock and open the door, it nearly falls from it's hinges.
he steps into the foyer and takes a look around.
"ohhh! your old house! your family left it because of... flood" he looks at me as he diagnoses the disaster that forced my folks from their home.
i nod once.
"good job."
he runs his hand along the faded height wall.
he sqints at the letters that still remain.
"i can't tell what this says, but i know it's not yoongi."
i chuckle and sit my duffle on the floor by the door.
"geum jae, my brother." i say shutting the door and locking it.
"ahh i see. what has beco-"
"he's dead."
if i'm blunt it won't hurt as badly.
may sound rude, but it's true, he's dead.
i'm not going to sugar coat it or try and be respectful saying he 'passed' or he's 'no longer with me.'
he doesn't deserve my respect.
"what happened, if you don't mind me asking?"
he sits on the stairs.
"lets not talk here. kitchen."
i go into the kitchen and admire the work i'd done over the summer.
"woah, did you do this?"
"i did. coffee?"
he nods and sits himself on a barstool.
"so, depression runs in the family, i'm sure that's evident. but that's no excuse. i would never, could never, do what he did. and neither could my father. that's saying something. geum jae..."
i trail off and think back.
he's a disgrace to the min family and that's why i never speak of him.
"he murdered a little girl."
his hand goes to cover his mouth.
"i assume you don't watch the news, you wouldn't be as happy as you are if you did. but it was everywhere. he played the insane card and got away with it. they put him in an asylum and he began to refuse his meals. he got down to just skin and bones and i think the people at the asylum knew he wasn't crazy, so they were okay with him not eating. but then somehow got a rope and hung him self from his ceiling fan and him having so little weight on him, he stayed hanging until they found him. i didn't even go to the memorial or anything. he killed an innocent child. she was six! never even got to double digits. and the worst thing is, is that they showed us, and the whole court room pictures. that's when i stopped associating with my family for good. i promised myself i wouldn't be like that."
i pour him his coffee and sit it in front of him.
"what did your mom do though, why don't you speak with her?"
"ohhh the story of momma min. where to start where to start. oh. birth. so. i was born in this house; we had absolutely no money. we did when we bought the house and payed for it with cash. but then dad lost it all gambling. anyway she had me. and then straight afterwards, began to drink again, she would smoke with me around when i was just a baby. then when i grew up a little bit, she brought me with her to men's houses so she could cheat on dad and she didn't look suspicious leaving. because who would bring a five year old to go cheat? anyway i get a little older, she stops doing that because she thinks i'll start blabbing. but then i get into music. her and dad both hate me for it and tear everything i write. i still kept going though. and sometimes when i'd go downtown, i'd have to starve so i could get back to this place. she could've tried to get a better job. so could dad. we could have been at least average. but they didn't even try. they just accepted it. they didn't even-" i sigh and let my shoulders fall slightly, "anyway. a little later my dad walks in on me half naked with a dick in my mouth and kicked me out. he threw my stuff out the window and i gathered what i could in my backpack and went to stay with jaehyo. they ended up getting flooded out and by that time i had the apartment with jimin, so they started sucking up and i let them come live in the living room. they refused to get their own house after i took them in so i bought the house fixed it back up a little so they could go back. anyway a little more time passes. geum jae did what he did, and i kick him and mom out. it took a lot. i changed the locks and made the windows bulletproof. i threatened to sue and worse. and i left that family for good. i was just done."
he takes a big sip of coffee and his face contorts.
i hold the cream and sugar that i was about to sit down up.
"yes. i need that. thank you."
he pours the contents in his cup and tries it again.
"better?"
he nods.
"so is your mom alive?"
"yes. she still sends me cards on my birthday."
"when is your birthday? that's never come up."
fuck.
i don't want to tell him.
it's the reason- minus the noise- that i planned such an impromptu trip.
"it's uhm-"
"you know it, don't you? because some children who were neglected or treated like-"
"yes i know it. it's march ninth."
"march- YOONGI HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"
he stands and throws his arms around me.
"how old? 26, right?"
i nod as he squeals loudly, the sound echoing through the house.
"hoseok please, it's not a big deal i-"
"it is! we need to get back home so we can have a party and- happy birthday to you! happy birthday to-"
"hoseok stop! i don't want to celebrate my birth. it's the worst thing that could have ever happened to me. it's just another shitty year on this shitty planet with all these shitty people. it's nothing good, so why celebrate?"
he looks kind of deflated.
"no i didn't mean-"
"i know exactly what you meant."
things are silent for a moment.
"hoseok you're different. you know that right? you're the best thing to ever happen to me. you- you give me a reason to fight!"
"then why don't you think about what you say to me? if you really felt about me how you keep saying you do, you'd be more considerate of my feelings."
"i try to be considerate. it doesn't seem like it but i do. i don't know how though hoseok."
"it's not that hard yoongi! just think, hey maybe i mean something to him. maybe if i were never born he'd be in severe pain and suffering right now. maybe if i call everyone and everything shitty, it'll sting him a little bit. i know you're smart yoongi! use your brain for once to think about other people's hardships rather than just your own! i'm a fucked up person too. maybe we have way different stories but depression is depression. i have it and i hate it but it's there and i try to be joyful and happy but sometimes it's just like death is my crush; it's all i can think about. so be fucking considerate. i have fragile feelings yoongi! i understand, your nature is different than mine. you're a cock and it's to late to change that. and i love you for who you are, but think before you diss all of humanity. please."
"i do think hoseok! that's all i do! and if i say something even slightly off it'll be stuck in my head for the next decade. i'm sorry that you felt grouped into humanity, you weren't supposed to be. you're-"
"i wasn't supposed to be! exactly! if you would have just thought about your words before you said them i wouldn't have been put into that group, even by accident. you don't fucking think yoongi! i have feelings too. i know that's hard for you to understand, but i don't try and force my feelings out of my ass every time one surfaces. i let myself feel them because their agony is meant to be felt. i'm sensitive. maybe that makes me weak in your eyes, but i consider myself pretty damn strong because i can deal with my shit like the mature adult i am."
tears sting at my eyes.
are we really fighting?
we've never done that, i don't know how to do this.
"hurts right, being grouped into an inaccurate sector?"
i can feel my body begin to shake.
we don't fight.
i don't know how to go about this.
"hoseok i'm sorry. i'm just always in my own head. and i... i don't know i'm sorry. please. how can i make it up to you?"
he stands from the barstool.
"i think i'm going to go back home. i'll catch a taxi. i think we both just need to cool off and take a break from eachother for a bit."
he heads toward the door.
"no hoseok please. i-i-"
it's merely a squeak, but i can see the red in his ears and i know he's angry, that scares me.
what if we're done?
what if i never see him again.
"you what?"
i've never heard him use that tone.
it's so cold and bitter.
i hate it.
i miss him already.
the warmth he always radiates even when he's freezing, the smile that makes my life worth it, the laugh that makes me laugh.
he's not even gone yet.
but the hoseok i've grown to know is.
that hoseok is never bitter.
i hate myself for turning him into this.
"well? what is it?"
"hoseok i love you."