sunshine • myg + jhs

22

i carry the puppy inside and sit him on the floor.
hoseok goes off somewhere, leaving me alone with the little beast.
"what are you useful for, dog?" i ask it.
he pants in response, his tail wagging behind him.
i put on slow music, not being able to stand the silence.
silence is always bad for someone like me.
it's dangerous.
not as dangerous since hobi came along.
but still scary.
i lay on my stomach, to get eye level with the pup after putting down my phone.
he licks my face, so i scold him again.
"no, puppy."
he sits down and looks up at me with his big brown eyes.
"don't do that, i'm not going to give you what you want."
he cocks his head to the side and whimpers, stopping his tail from wagging.
"you think you're cute don't you? well you're right. but i'm still not giving into you." i say sitting up and crossing my legs.
he stands back up on all fours and trots over to me.
he crawls into my lap and lays his head on my thigh, looking up at me.
he's like hoseok.
you can't say no to him or you feel like you'll crush his precious heart.
i let my posture go and fall onto my back, straightening the leg he didn't occupy.
he can do whatever he wants.
he's too cute to say no to.
he crawls out of my lap and over my chest, to my arms.
he maneuvers himself under one of them, laying his head on my chest and blowing a breath.
i wrap my arm around him, pulling him closer.
he's just so cuddly.
i can't help it.
i roll on my side to look at him.
he licks me.
"no, you can do anything but lick my face."
he does it again.
so i stop trying.
but he doesn't do it again.
he lays his head in the crook of my neck and blows another breath.
i pet his back and shut my eyes.
i really like the dog.
he's precious.
it's impossible to not just want to hug him and love on him.
"i'm positive this is the softest thing i've ever witnessed." hoseok says sitting a bowl of food on the floor.
i sit up quickly, startling the poor pup.
he realizes what hoseok had brought though, and runs to go get him some.
"you saw nothing." i declare.
hoseok comes to sit in front of me.
"i saw what i needed to, you adorable little kitten, you."
he touches his index finger to my nose and i pull away slightly.
"i am not a kitten!" i whine.
he kisses me sweetly.
i can feel him smiling.
i'm smiling too.
"okay, kitten."
he stands up and i do the same.
i smooth down my hair and he laughs.
"you seem nervous."
i'm not.
do i always seem nervous?
am i nervous without even knowing?
is my anxiety so bad that i've gotten so used to being nervous i don't even notice it anymore?
"i'm sorry," i say.
that's not what i meant to say, but okay.
"don't apologize yoongs it's fine."
"okay whats with all these nicknames?"
"do you hate them?"
i don't know.
i mean.
that's not my name.
i like my name.
my mother gave it to me.
but hate them?
i don't hate many things in this world.
i change the subject.
"we haven't been to work in a really long time. the boss is going to get on us."
he chuckles.
"but do you care?"
i take a moment and think.
wow.
i don't.
at all.
and that's weird to me for some reason.
"nope. he can't fire us. and if he does, you have your dance. and i have all of my savings. that should last me until i'm-"
i stop, realizing who i was talking to.
i can't put an image of me lying lifeless in his head.
so i change my sentence quickly, "until i find another job."
"yeah. i applied for the bakery job to slow myself down. a hobby in a way. i was hurting my muscles, practicing too much, it was all just a mess."
he wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me close, swaying to the beat of my music.
"but i've found something different to keep me from getting bad again. i don't need the job."
i lay my head on his chest and wrap my arms around his torso.
i can hear his heartbeat.
it makes me happy.
but i can't stop thinking.
i am going away soon.
i'm going to try my best to stay as long as possible, but it's inevitable.
"hoseok?"
"yes, dear?"
wow.
dear.
i like that.
"what happens if i can't fight it off? i'm not saying that i'm not going to try. i am. but what happens if i get too weak? and it gets too strong?"
i look up at him, "what do we do?"
he looks down, his deep brown eyes comforting, yet serious.
"we do all we can to fight it off. you will get weak. and it will get strong. but i know you. you don't give up. but if it does happen to get too strong, i won't be angry with you for letting go. i know you're in pain now. and the pain will only get worse. so if you can't fight it anymore, i won't stop you from letting go. now i'm not encouraging you to not try. i'm just telling you now that when you're in too much agony to continue..." he trails off.
i understand why.
he doesn't want to think of me like that.
i don't either.
"and what happens when i get irritable? what happens when it starts spreading and i don't remember things or i can't move? what happens to us?"
"we will know what happens if that time comes."
"what can i do to stop it? i want to stop it. i want to go back in time and redo everything i'd done. i'd never smoke. i'd- i'd... i'd be okay. why did i have to be so stupid? why did i have to be so... scared?"
"what's done is done, baby. all we can do now, is wait."
"wait for my life to leave us, or wait for me to get better?"
"just wait, min yoongi. we just have to wait." 
"what do we do while we wait?" i ask laying my head back onto his chest, listening to the melody his heartbeat plays.
he takes my hand into his and holds my body close, pulling our hands out to the side.
"while we wait? well while we wait, i'm going to kiss you as much as i can. i am going to make love to you as much as i can. i am going to make sure you know how much i love you. i am going to take you wherever you want." he pauses. "i am going to make you happy" his voice isn't joyful, but rather calm.
too calm to be okay.
he's not okay.
and i'd be lying if i said i was.
"but right now, right now, my love, we dance. let the music take you to a place where there are no worries. no cancer nor bruisings, no pain, and no death, but only you and i. let it take you to a place where we can be happy, and together, for as long as we'd like."