sunshine • myg + jhs

08

i lie thinking.
regretting everything i'd done.
i'd pushed him away.
made him cry.
when he was just trying to be a good person.
he was just trying to care for me.
and i was going on about no one doing so.
when did so i pushed him away.
he cried because of me.
and for no good reason.
i'm just a prick.
he didn't deserve that.
i didn't deserve his care in the first place.
i took advantage of it.
and now that i like him.
he'll never go for me.
i pushed him away.
and made him cry.
for no reason.
why would he ever.
he won't ever.
but jimin's right.
i have to apologize.
but he'll just shout at me and get angry.
it may clear my concise though.
oh no. no no no.
nothing can clear my concise.
but just to see him.
let him know how sorry i am.
but he hates me.
i made him cry.

then i'm crying.
not just tears and red face, crying.
sobbing.
i push the balls of my hands into my eyes and pray for my brain to just give me a break.
it just goes faster.
so many thoughts.
so many awful thoughts.
and i cry out, without realizing.
"JIMIN,"
he's there almost immediately.
his arms around me.
his shirt quickly becoming a soggy mess because of my tears.
"jimin. i- i- i f-fucked up-up." i stutter, "i-i can-ant't sleep. m-m-ME. min yoon-oongi."
he strokes my back and rocks me until i'm not as hysterical.
"hyung you need a smoke. and you know i wouldn't tell you to do that if i didn't think it was the only thing to help your brain. you need it. its the only thing that'll calm you down right now."
"jimin i don't need a smoke. i need to talk to him. i need him to forgive me."
he looks shoked.
"did you just say no. to your non-cigarette roommate. telling you to have a cigarette?"
i nod, standing up, beginning to dress myself.
"plus he hates them. and i really don't think he'll forgive me. i mean he cared for me. so much. more than anyone ever has. well that's mostly because i never let them. but he's different ya know. he really cared. he listened to me while i was drunk and normally when i'm drunk people discard my voice more than when i'm sober. he listened. he cared. he wants me safe. because he wouldn't steal my cigarettes if he didn't want me safe. he doesn't like them. so i'll quit them. cold turkey. it'll hurt. a lot. and i promise that i will threaten to kill you more than once. but it's for hobi. so he'll forgive me. oh my gosh jimin what's happening to me? i like him too much. and i hate this feeling. because it's like bliss. but misery. and holy fucking shit i'm rambling. can you see my bruises?"
he looks at me before standing to hug me.
"what are you doing i just asked if you can you see my bruises?"
he pulls away with tears in his eyes.
"oh no now i've made you cry too. jimin don't do this to me!"
"oh no no no yoongi i'm fine. i just. i love you. you're the sweetest guy i've ever met. even if you like to hide it under that cold hearted persona you put on. i see it. you're just a soft little kitten. just craving love. so go get it, babe. you look fine. no bruises." i smile and walk out of my room then out of my apartment.
without jimin's voice echoing through my brain, there's room for a lot of bad things to seep in.
and by the time he opens the door, i'm bawling again.
not as hysterically.
but it's definitely an ugly cry.
"hoseok, i'm so sorry. i upset you so much and i feel absolutely awful about that. i made you cry. and- and i'm so sorry. i don't ever want to see, hear, or even think about you being upset. ever. because i like you. okay? i like you too much and i hate it because i love it. a sweet misery that i can't get enough of. i can't stop thinking of you. and i know it hasn't been long so i sound absolutely insane. but hoseok, i think you know i don't show feelings and i'm shit at sharing them when i do let them out so i don't know what to say really but-"
then the 'you're' i try to get out is muffled. 
his lips?
what the fuck he's kissing me?
i kiss back.
shutting my eyes and sinking into it after realizing what's happening.
he pulls away, and holds my face so i look into his eyes.
"yoongi." he says. "it's okay. i'm okay. i understand why you did what you did. it's how you're wired. it's okay. i'm not angry. i forgive you,"
that makes me cry more.
"you shouldn't! hoseok you're so pure and sweet and joyful. i'm just bad. i'm awful. i made you cry and- and all you were trying to do was help me and i-"
"YOONGI. take a breath. i was crying because i'd thought i'd lost you. i'm kinda drawn to you. and yeah i get it. we sound like boy crazy thirteen year olds. it's only been a few days. but you're different than everyone i've met. and i don't want to let someone so good get lost. so thats why i was crying. i'm okay, though. you came back."
i break down, and pull his chest to my cheek.
he strokes my hair as i wet his shirt with the tears that still trickle from my eyes.
"stay with me tonight, yoongi-ah. it's not a suggestion it's an order."
i look up at him, my arms still holding him tightly.
"you can't order me, i'm your hyung." i say.
"yoongi. it's an order." he repeats.
i nod, putting my head back into his chest.
i just need to hug him for a bit longer.
i just want to smell that calming scent and hold him close, for one more moment.
and he let's me.
"now don't be startled if you see a giant man in my apartment. it's my roommate, namjoon. the guy i was on the phone with, the one i went out to dinner with the other day."
"oh, so it wasn't a date?"
"i've only just moved here, you think i have love interests already?" he chuckles, pulling away from the hug.
i do the same.
"oh okay then so all that about losing such a great person was a fib?" i push his shoulder playfully.
he smiles, and pulls me to kiss my forehead.
"yes, a giant fib that i didn't mean at all,"
i laugh and his fingers intertwine with mine.
"let's get some sleep, huh?" he asks.
i nod, a goofy grin, that i couldn't hide, plastered on my face.
i hadn't taken the time to look at his apartment the first time i was here,
and now that i am, i've never seen anywhere so clean.
two. men. live. here.
and it's spotless.
my house isn't even this clean and i live with jimin.
something on his counter catches my eye.
red.
my marlburos.
"you kept my cigarettes?" i ask looking up at him.
"i kept your cigarettes." he confirms.
"and why?"
"because like i said. i'd thoughts i'd lost you."
he cared enough to keep the thing of me he hated most.
he really might like me, the way i like him.
he's different than everyone else, i know that already.
but why pick me, when he's him?
when we reach his door way, his voice has changed tones completely.
"have you bought more?"
"yes. i smoked most of them down. didn't feel good though. at all. the sting i used to love brought agony. so i threw the rest away and vowed to never smoke again."
"wh-"
"don't ask that. please. i don't want to get into it."
he nods, and as his lamp light illuminates those beautiful feature that are so perfectly painted on.
and i'm in awe.
"why are you looking at me like that?" his cheeks flush and i realize i'm staring.
my face heats up and i try to search for the right words, but end up making a fool of myself.
"you're just so intricate. like art. but not like the old art where people have big noses and no eyebrows. you have a cute nose. and great eyebrows. what i mean is that. you have so much beauty and detail and i could look at you until my eyes bled. but i won't. i'm not a stalker i swear. i just...." he's laughing. "you make me nervous"
his laugh is contagious, so after a few seconds, i'm laughing too.
"you're so cute!" he exclaims.
i playfully push his shoulder, still laughing.
"shut up!" i whine. "i don't like other people. in any way. and then you come along and i like you so much so i don't know how to deal and i ramble."
he looks down at me and smiles.
so gorgeous.
the heart shape has never looked so perfect. 
he pulls me into a hug.
"you're so small, too. perfect size for bear hugs."
i feel my cheeks heat up again.
"i'm not small." i retort.
he pulls away from the hug and ruffles my hair. his eyes angled down to look at me, proving what i just said wrong.
"of course you're not!"
i smile and he does too.
and i want to kiss him.
i think he wants to kiss me too.
so i go for it.
and we're almost there.
when a big, messy haired, man with shoulders at least 60 centimeters wide steps out of the room across the hall.
he pushes me into the room and out of the sightline of the man.
his silhouette black as his room was in the shadows.
"hoseok if you don't go to bed right now, i will have namjoon kick your ass."
"yes, hyung i apologize."
"yah! why are you even awake? it's three thirty in the morning!"
"there was someone at the door. some kid."
"that knock was fifteen minutes ago? oh my gosh they're in your room aren't they?"
"there's no one in my room, jin. i answered the door. talked with him. then made myself some soup. scrolled on my phone a bit. now we're here. hello."
"go to bed now, or i'll put you in hell-oh."
"okay. goodnight hyung. sleep well. i love you."
"i love you too. and thank you. you sleep well too. you ass." he speaks such kind words in such an angry tone.
then the door slams and me and hobi are left to ourselves.
"i lied so they wouldn't think you were some late night horny decision. you mean more than that. plus jin would yell. when jin yells it takes him like 73 years to tell you why he's mad and you can't focus on what he's yelling about because he's shaking his head and his hair's everywhere and-"
i cut him off this time.
"it's okay. you don't have to explain. but he's right. it's late. lets get some sleep, okay? and obviously we aren't going to work tomorrow, right?"
"right. what is he going to do? fire us? he's sung ho. he has no balls."
"oh i've trained you so well in such a short time. and how, how do you care enough to remember his name?"
"shut up. you remember it. you forget, i know you yoongi."
i look up at him with trying eyes.
he looks back down, his eyes giving off power, that i couldn't help but succumb to.
"right. i did forget."
i'm red.
he's so intimidating when he wants to be.
therebefore looking him in his eyes, makes me feel odd.
"now. lets get some sleep huh?"
he steps aside and i enter his room, removing my coat and scarf to reveal my giant shirt and sweat pants.
"so small. so cute." he sighs, getting into his bed.
i get in beside him and hesitate to get close.
until he pulls me into him.
he switches off the lamp and holds me close.
"goodnight hyung." he kisses my forehead.
i look up and catch his lips into mine.
slowly and passionately they move in sync.
i just want to be closer to him.
no space.
but i pull away.
"goodnight hob-ah."