sunshine • myg + jhs

23

we stay silent.
the only sounds are the quiet music, and our feet tapping the floor.
until the brown pup starts to bark at the sudden sound of a car engine.
it startles hoseok more than it should have and his shoulders jump in fear.
i cant help but to laugh.
but the laugh turns into an awful cough.
he places his hand on my back rubbing gently.
i get it under control and he looks at me with concern swimming in his eyes.
"you okay?"
i nod, smiling a bit.
i really am.
sure.
my chest aches.
my lungs burn.
it feels like i was drowning.
but i really, really am okay.
i'm with him.
he keeps me sane.
he looks at his wrist watch.
"it's nearly six, would you like to shower?"
yes.
i always want to shower.
"i have no clothes,"
he smiles and takes my hand.
he just looks so sweet and pure.
i expect him to say something of that nature.
"who said you needed clothes?"
i expected wrongly.
but i don't mind him being progressive.
normally i would.
but i want him in so many ways.
i want him to touch me.
i want to touch him.
i want to kiss him, be close with him, make love to him.
i want him.
"i'm joking. you can wear some of my things." he says kissing my forehead.
please don't be joking.
please don't really be joking.
"are you actually?"
he cocks an eyebrow.
"we'll see."
i go back to whenever i heard him and namjoon talking through he door.
"he'll learn soon,"
wait.
fuck.
is soon now?
i'm ready.
but like.
what if i don't do well enough?
soon is now holy shIT SOON IS NOW.
"stop thinking yoongs. it's okay. it's me."
i take a second to ponder over his words.
"hoseok, you know a lot about me, but i don't know too much about you." i say.
"hm." he says, "i guess you're right. what would you like to know?"
i hop into a chair positioned in front of his island and he does so as well.
"i kinda just want your life. the deep shit, you know?"
"oh, okay. well. i was born in gwangju. average upbringing. i've been dancing since i was around 11." scrunches his eyebrows, "which now that i'm reminiscing, is around the same time i lost Case. huh. anyway-"
"stop stop stop. who's case?"
he sucks in a breath.
"case was half american, half korean, and was being taught to speak both languages, so when his parents divorced because of his mother's drug problems, he and his father moved here without too many barriers. they moved into the house next door to me and we instantly became friends. he was two. i was three. we stayed best friends until i was 11. and he was 10. wow. he was 10. that used to seem so big. so grown up. but now? he wasn't even a boy yet. he was still a baby. a baby who was passed down his mother's illnesses. he had struggled with depression since he was... five i think. he had a very mature mind, but a very youthful soul. his mature mind, though, caused him to think very very bad things that you wouldn't expect someone so little to think. he had to deal with so much emotional trauma when he was merely a child. he thought too much. and found his father's gun. of course he knew what it was. and i know. some kids at that age are stupid and don't understand guns or the loaded or not thing or what it could do if the gun were to be touched incorrectly. but Case was different. he understood most everything. he was a very very smart boy. so he knew what he was doing. he put the barrel to his heart and pulled the trigger. he died instantly."
i put my hand over hoseoks.
"how long before someone found him?" i ask.
a stupid fucking question.
"see, what i should have mentioned as well was that, because our families were so close, we had a key to his house. i was going over to ask him to play. we hadn't heard the shot, he had done it in the basement which was sound proofed because his father was a drummer. so there was never an exact time discovered. but i found him. at 4:02 on Friday, April 2nd, 2004. i was devastated. it still, really hurts."
i see his eyes fog up with tears and he looks down so that i don't.
"hoseok look at me,"
"no because you see, i should have stopped him. i could have stopped him. if i had been more observant i could have helped him through it. thats when i started observing things. i vowed to myself i'd never let any little detail or tone change or voice crack go unnoticed. now i'm me. and i observe everything, even when i'm told to stop. i'm sorry."
he wipes his eyes.
"no. don't be sorry. it was me. i didn't want to face my past because i'm not a very strong person when it comes down to it."
he laughs.
making someone laugh after they've been crying is an amazing feeling.
but i have no clue why he's laughing.
"you're kidding right? you should have died by now. many times, in many ways. but you wouldn't give up because you're so headstrong and won't let anything, that isn't of your doing, take your life. and you aren't gone yet. you've been through so much and you're still here. you're very strong min yoongi. very very strong."
i hate it.
i'm not.
"no, hoseok if i were strong i'd be able to be less cowardly about life. and i wouldn't feel as many feelings as i do. and i wouldn't be hurt by so much because my own fucking brain turns good things bad. i'm not strong."
he looks into my eyes.
he's hypnotic.
"you really think that the feelings that you go through make you weak? the fact that you get through them and continue to push forward makes you so strong. yes. you have a coping mechanism that isn't very good. at all. but you realized that. and did away with said mechanism. you. are. strong. don't doubt that."
i smile.
the fact that the words came from his mouth made me want to believe it.
"can i ask you a favor, please?" i ask.
he smiles.
"of course, anything."
"i need a shower. would you please make me coffee while i'm gone."
i feel him stop.
just everything stops.
did i say something wrong?
"uhm. yes, of course i'll make you coffee. now, my towels are in the biggest top drawer, my shirts are in the drawer under that, my boxers are in the left top drawer and that should be all you need."
i smile and kiss his forehead, then go towards his room to take my shower.
i hear him whispering, though.
"seok-jin. how do you make coffee?"