turns out shay went back to his house that he can't call home and was crying his eyes out, punching walls out in frustration and anger that he ended up at the hospital after his mother found him passed out on the stairs. i can't even imagine how she was even feeling. i don't want to think about that because i feel i was the one to blame, the one that everyone could point their fingers at as i was the last person who was to talk to him. i was the one who should've calmed him down. i should've held on whilst he pushed me away, not me push him off the cliff to fall into a dark gloomy hole of depression.
after hours of debating over wether or not i should go see him, i decided i could try so hard to pretend to be mad at him but he'll always be my best friend wether i like it or not.
"oh i'm so glad you turned up. shay will be so happy to see you. he really is a mess in there. his father is talking to him, but he really is basically backhanding him. he has no love for anyone anymore. not even his parents. i just, i don't understand what's happened to my baby boy!" ms mathers came rushing to me and started crying in my arms. i awkwardly attempted to comfort her then passed her over to my mother so she could do her best to sooth the poor woman. i went to the ward that shay was in, mr mathers leaving it just as i arrived at the door. he gives me a small smile despite his pissed off and exhausted expression previously.
"hello isabella." he nods his head at me before walking off. he's always been like, cold, always so smartly dressed, a very proud man. sometimes i don't know why shay is ashamed to call him his father when he really was loaded, but then again sometimes i do understand why. who would want a full of himself prick of a father anyway?
i took a deep breath and entered the door without an invite. shay looked terrible. he looked so bad and that's not even rude of me to say, it was the truth. tears stained cheeks, busted knuckles with blood oozing out of them an unusual purple colour now, brunette coloured hair was a mess from pulling it out in frustration, a big bandage around his head as well maybe he fell down? oh god. what has he done to himself. his arms. his arms that he was so proud of because of all the efforts of working out in the gym... was. what happened to him? what are those marks? those deep straight line marks up and down his precious arms?
his brown eyes met mines and we just stared at each other in silence for a few minutes before i quickly glanced at his arms, and he tensed instantly. he knew what i wanted to say. i decided against pissing him off. he needs me. i have to be his support. his rock to help him through this time. this, whatever he's doing.
"hi." i give him a small smile before slowly closing the door behind me, leaning against the wall with my arms crossed over my chest. he watched my every movements carefully, observing me, analysing me. apparently when you cross your arms over your chest it means your guarded, that's what he told me.
"hi." "is that my tee-shirt?" he raised an eyebrow at me, and i felt my cheeks heat slightly. it was actually. it was just on the floor and looked comfy and i was in such a rush and in the spur of the moment i grabbed it and smelt it. it smelt just like him so i cried and thought about my life without him and realising i don't even have a life without shay in it so i needed to go see him. i don't tell him any of this though.
"maybe."
"suits you. you can keep it."
"didn't need permission really."
"you were just gonna steal my tee-shirt?"
"how do you know it's not my dad's tee-shirt."
"because your father no offence is obese the belly same size as a dumpling okay, he wouldn't ever be able to fit into that. and it says shay 03 on the back. my lucky number, and my name." he gave me a light smirk and i rolled my eyes.
"busted."
"i missed you." he suddenly burst out before he could stop himself. my heart started pounding against my chest at this for no apparent reason. i wanted to hear him say this since forever.
he's always too stubborn to admit it. and now he's said it. amazing.
"why?"
"i just. i realised i was stupid for doing what i did to you. i need you in my life isabella. you're all i need. you're my best friend." he sighed out in frustration moving a busted hand through his hair and wincing as the pain hit him.
my guard was slowly slipping.
"i missed you too shay. i haven't forgiven you though."
"i don't blame you. i'm a mess."
"i know."
"i don't deserve you."
"no you don't." "but you have me so stop complaining. i'm not going anywhere anymore."
"you're too good for me." he shook his head and looked at his injured hands with a sad face.
"nah."
"you are. you're always there for me when i need someone and all i do in return is push you away, i hurt you so much. i'm a monster."
"doesn't matter. i don't mind."
"you must be desperate then." he chuckled half heartily and i smiled back.
realising then that i truly must be.
