"Hi." I was the first to talk and Shay then breathes out a sigh of relief for some unknown reason, so I thought I better crush that 'hope' bubble he's put up. "I'm still so mad at you Shay, after everything we've been through together. I just knew it would be her who would ruin this." I shake my head, shifting myself to sit upwards, wincing in pain as my bandaged arms were stinging when I moved them.
It's bad to cut your arms, if you go deep enough, you'll hit a vein and instantly die. True fact.
"I-I know that. I'm sorry, I really, truly am! I wish this never happened so there wouldn't be any of this shit-"
"-no. You know what I wish never happened? Us. Us going out, it's ruined everything between us. I mean, it's fine if we were just friends and you still had a crush on Vanessa. Despite all the shit she's put you through, and you still like her, go for her okay? Whatever. But us going out, using dating and discovering we have much more then friendship love between us... that's when everything went wrong. I regret it all." I tell him in the most coldest tone ever. As soon as those words leave my mouth, I feel so heartless, as if I had the power to destroy Shay once and for all. I know I actually did have it, that's the scary part.
"You-you don't honestly mean that, do you?" he was shaking, scared for my answer. Did I mean it, or was it just my anger taking over my thoughts? "Ho-how can you say that, when all this time, in all those little novels you read, they've always said marry your best friend. Fall in love with your best friend because they're the person that knows you better then anyone else-"
"-but when everything all goes wrong, Shay, what's going to happen to our friendship? Do you understand, it's never going to be how it was before anymore! Never. It's ruined, by those reckless nights. I want to kill her, I really fucking do!" I wanted to snap her skinny little gets in half with a sledge hammer and then yank her perfectly thick and long hair right off her head, every last strand, one by one.
Don't blame me for my harsh words when she's caused a war, she's crossed the boundaries.
She's asked for this basically.
"It hasn't changed anything. Isabella, can you look me in the eyes and tell me that you don't love me anymore. Tell me that you regret every night we've spent together, every time we've texted one another, do you regret our 4am texts, those magical moments that I could never share with anyone else? Look me in the eyes and tell me that." Shay stands up beside the edge of my ward bed and takes my left hand in between his two palms.
My heart was hammering against my chest and I felt like the whole world had stopped what it was doing to hear my answer. My hands were sweaty and becoming clammy. This was it.
"I-I can't. I can't say that." I shake my head looking directly into his big dark brown eyes which were wide with shock. I could see the relief clear on his face, as if everything was okay now. But of course it wasn't. "I can't forgive you though, b-but. I do love you."
He nods his head firmly, not knowing what to say or do anymore. Neither do I, I just watch him as he gently plays with my fingers.
"I want you to go back to Canada, and I don't want to see you for a while. I think, I think that's what we need. No contact-" he opened his mouth to argue which I knew he would do but I was pretty clear with the vision in my head, "-it's going to make things better hopefully. Let's try a month, okay? No contact at all unless it's a proper emergency like someone is dying, alright?"
I use Shay's hands to guide me to bring my legs around to the edge of the bed, and he helps me stand to my feet gently. We stand awkwardly facing each other. I feel like our whole childhood flashes before our eyes.
We grew up so very fast, our parents (and not biological parents) noticed that, most defiantly. I remember at one point I was taller then Shay, when we were around eight, just by a few inches but I will never forget that. Now Shay's taller then me by so much. At 6ft3, while I'm a mere 5ft2, more then a foot taller?!
He stared down at me and I stared up, and I felt his arms carefully wrap around my waist, "I love you, Isabella. I always have."
I allow myself to inhale his scent of that vanilla extract on his clothes that he users as a fabric softener from a young age, and I can also smell the hint of BO. I don't blame him though, he has been here for god damn days.
"I don't want this to be the end." He mumbles into my shoulder. I didn't either, I just couldn't find the words to tell him how much my heart still yearned for him despite all I found out. Clearly I wasn't enough for him, he had to go for more. It's annoying and frustrating.
"It won't, you just have to give it time." I tell him in a soft tone, I was in fear that my voice would start to break soon enough. I didn't want him to see how weak he makes me. I want to be the dominant one.
He sighs out, "I've given it time already, waiting for the perfect time to kiss you, hold you in the ways that doesn't show we're just friends. I waited so long for us to say those magical words together, to stay up to 4am together just to say them. I've waited and waited for you to clock on that I want more then to be your best friend, Isabella. You're my everything, everything I have and I am is yours."
I rolled my eyes at this and pushed him away gently but at the same time in emotion that would see pissed off, "you should've thought about that when you stuck you're dick into her vagina then, you twat."
"I-" he starts off and I just scoff at his face, "-just leave now, Shay Stinson Mathers."
And I turned away from him, until I knew he had defiantly 100% left. I instantly felt empty in my heart without him, like I was incomplete because I was. I needed him in my life as he needed me. I knew this was going to be ever so hard.
But there was no turning back now.
[what are your views to the 'break' eh eh eh]
