(November 22, 2018)
celebrating thanksgiving with 12 dads
so im sitting there alone at the dinner table in my house. when i hear a knock on the door. confused as HELL. 12 dudes stood there. and i recognized them all. jumin han walked in first.
"this is bootleg but im your real dad" AND THE OTHER 11 JUST STARTED SCREMAING "NO ME" so i slammed the door on all of them.
i sat back down at the table and prayed over the tHICC turkey before me. when i opened my eyes again, all 12 of the triple gau assholes were looking at me from the other side of the table. "FUCK" i screamed. then i felt bad so i crossed myself. prince andrei looked at the turkey.
"bitch i wish meals were this good on the battlefield" he reached for a knife but elliott from stardew valley slapped his hand away. cronus ampora slithered over.
"im not your dad 8UT i can be your daddy," he winked and i had 17 strokes. i threw a fork at him like im fugo.
"fUCK OFF, NOT DAD" and he slithered away because who really wants silverware thrown at them. unless thats like your kink or somehtign. anyway theres like 8 more dads to go through before the story actually gets good.
i run outside to my backyard. 5 dudes were standing outside. i walked up to one of them. "hey you're wilbur from soothouse" he gave me a really bored thumbs up and went back to practicing guitar.
in some random spot kira and dio were arguing about who was a better villain. i just left them alone because who the hell would intervene. so i walked up to alex from stardew valley. he threw the gridball to guido mista from jojo's bizarre adventure: vento aureo. i didnt know mista liked bootleg football from a fictional universe. alex looked over at me.
"okay who invited a girl to the party?" mista shot him a look.
"this is the girl we're fighting for custody over" alex shrugged and caught the ball.
"mista i didnt know you liked football" i mentioend.
"i didnt know either but i sure as hell was going to leave,,,,,this many,,,, people out here." four. fukcing four. god dammit it was that obvious.
"id be careful. wouldnt want to be seen by marischon and the debt collector" i dont even know what i said. but somewhere jolyne kujo was SHAKIGN. i was about to walk back inside when i bumped into someone. i looked up. it was JOTARO KUJO. he glared at me. bro why all these dudes here i just wanted to live a quiet life and possibly vore a turkey today.
i didnt understand what mista meant by custody battle, but i didnt really care. thats when i felt a tug at my shirt. i was pulled over to the side of the hosue and there stood goAT DAD OH MY GOD HES HERE ITS COUNT LUCIO. his uGLY ASS RED EYES AND ALL. he squinted his eyes. "whatever happens you already know youer going to pick me" he laughed. fucking bootleg as HELL. i ran away. i went to my room and locked the door. being surrounded by a bunch as twinks wasnt how i wanted to spend thanksgiving. i just wanted to find my real da- oh god dammit.
shiro from voltron was asleep on my bed. i wasnt going to wake him up. man deserves some REST and RELAXATION. i wonder if hed like autonomous sensory meridian response otherwise known as asmr. i feel like a geek i didnt even have to look that shit up. what a loser lmaoo.
well now that all of the dads have been introduced i wonder whats going to happe-
cronus fuckING BREAKS THE DOOR OFF ITS HINGES. im somewhat surprised if im honest because the door was locked he couldve just asked and i would open it.
"PIP VWE'RE GOING TO COURT."
"um hell no im not ready for a relationship"
"NO YOU DUM8ASS LEGAL EARTH COURT THERES GONNA 8E A HUGE CUSTODY 8ATTLE"
AT THIS POINT IM SCREAMING BUT WE ALL MAGICALLY TELEPORT TO SOME COURT. I LOOK AT THE JUDGE AND START CRYING. THE JUDGE. ITS BABY KATA. JONGHYUN SAVE ME.
im just standing at one side. my lawyer is obunga. this is so stupid. FIRST UP IS
actually who cares lets skip a little bit because its just bootleg arguments with baby kata.
baby kata IN HIS ANNOYING VOICE makes an announcement "its time for pip to DECIIIIIIIIDE"
obunga and i step up to the center. all 12 dads are looking at me waITING. well actually 11. cronus is just t h e r e
i open my motuh.
"sorry guys but im going to have to pick......................................................................................................................................................"
juST THEN MATTHEW BELLAMY THE SINGER FOR MUSE BREAKS THROUGH A WINDOW SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO PANIC STATION. HE WALKS STRIAHGT UP TO ME. HE PUTS A HAND ON MY SHOULDER AND LOOKS OUT AT ALL THE POTENTIAL DADS. HE THROWS ON SOME SWEET SHADES AND PULLS OUT A PAPER.
IN HIS CUTE BRITISH ACCENT HE SAYS "ok so..... i have the results here........and it says that....hold on a minute it says that I AM THE BIOLOGICAL DAD?!?!?!!1!?" EVERYONE STARTS SHAKIGN.
elliott stands uP. "PARDON MY FRENCH BUT THATS BULLSHIT" everyone else agrees.
prince anDREI ALSO STANDS UP. "WHAT SHOULD WE DO WITH THIS BLASPHEMER??"
everyone turns to jotaro, the sensible and logical one who always knows whats best.
"crucify" he mumbles. thE WHOLE COURT GOES WILD.
"HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE JUDGE KATA IS THIS ALLOWED" obunga and matt bellamy scREAM. i stART CRYING AND COLLAPSE IN THE FLOOR. I PASS OUT PART 28487429. SECURITY DRAGS MY BODY OVER TO THE SIDE AND TRIES TO WAKE ME UP.
everyone else goes outside and begins setting up the cross.
i finally come to as they naIL MATT BELLAMY TO THE CROSS. i pass out again.
wilbur and cronus start playing gangnam style on the guitar because why the hell not.
evYERONE ELSE IS SCREAMING "CRUCIFY CRUCIFY CRUCIFY CRUCIFY"
eventually mATT SCREAMS "ITS FINISHED" AND THE SKY GOES BLAKC.
jumin looks up. "haha bye i should go back to korea" he just vanishes in thin air.
ITS JONGHYUN DESCENDIGN FROM THE SKY.
"WHO CRUCIFIED MY CHILD"
DIO POINTS AT JOTARO. JOTARO POINTS AT SHIRO. SHIRO POINTS AT KIRA AND SO ON.
WHILE NO ONE IS LOOKING MATT BELLAMY DESCENDS FROM THE CROSS.
HE SLITHERS UP BEHIND WILBUR.
"WHAT IF YOU WANTED TO GO TO HEAVEN BUT GOD SAID" HE SNAPPED HIS FUCKIGN NEKC "NO PUSSIES ALLOWED" WILBUR DROPS TO THE GROUND AND EVERYONE SEES HIS BODY AND BEGINS QUAKIGN.
the next thing i remember i woke up in my bed. what the fuck.
