(December 31, 2018)
i lick toenails xdddd
IT WAS NEW YEARS EVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! who wasnt excited? only one person at the party wasnt excited.
DEV
because apparently he fucking existed. and he was at BIGMEATYCLAWS' bootleg new years party. jared and pip sat at the kids table because apparently they were still TOO YOUNG TO BE AT THE ADULTS TABLE. everyone was friends here so PAUL JACE, hamood habibi, paul jace step brother, momo, shi, and dev sat with them at the table. they all sat there awkwardly for like 92837534928 minutes before something happened.
"cant believe another year has come and gone and i still dont have a girlfriend" dev dramatically sighed.
"maybe youre gay" everyone in the entire universe responded at the same time. dev sat there thinking. he looked over at shi who looked at him. he stood up and walked away. he came back with a whole fucking bottle of chopin vodka (pip loves heartless men) and drank it all in one swig.
"hell no"
pip swallowed her food.
"BITCH YOU DIDNT EVEN EXIST A YEAR AGO" she pointed at him MENACINGLY. jared pulled her arm back down.
"no fighting at the dinner table!!!!!!! uwu" he sCREAMED. everyone shut up.
"i'll fight you right here right now" pip mumbled. dev arched an eyebrow and began laughing.
"oooooooooh you liar you wouldnt fight an ant if it burned your house dow-"
pip, being the nutty rohan kinnie she is, went absolutely fucign MENTAL.
"FUCK YOUUUUU" she wAILED. hamood habibi clapped in excitement and everyone clapped simultaneously after. BIGMEATYCLAWS slithered up behind PAUL JACE.
"you kids better fucking stop" he smiled insincerely.
"dev is being dumbass" everyone at the table responded (excluding momo because she just made bird noises).
pip glared at dev.
"wE'RE FINISHING THIS BEFORE THIS YEAR IS OVER" pip and dev declared at the same time. jared pulled pip away and shi pulled dev away.
everyone sat in the grass in the dark waiting for the fireworks because apparently everyone does that on new years eve??????????????? anyway. dev and his newly discovered posse of fuckboy teenagers all wearing sunglasses at night. fucking assholes. dev grabs pip by the arm and raises her to her feet. she backs away from the fuckboys™ jared and shi stood up from looking at bdsm on pornhub. shi gotta find out somehow.
shi screechED AND JUMPED ON DEV, ALMOST KNOCKING HIM OVER. he stumbling bakcwards anyway and fell on his ugly ass. "wwhhhhat are you doing? uwu" shi crIED. dev shoved him off.
"fuck off this doesnt concern you" he kicked him off. jared yODELED AND HUGGED SHI. shi oOFED and did a big uwu. dev got up and readjusted his everything. he smiled like an asshole. "DUEL TIME" he pulled out a gun but before he could do anythign, hamood habibi zoomed over and began clapping like a madman. everyone was forced to staRT CLAPPING. he dropped the gun and screamed in frustration. "WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?" jared stood there not clapping ?? wait what???
he slowly walked forward and grabbed the gun. he aimed it at dev with a pokerface. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7- he fired before anyone could count the paces. not that anyone was even walking. he shot dev somewhere in the chest and he started sobbing. it really was a sight to see dev cry. pip was actually somewhat amused by it. shi sat on the ground wrapping himself with a blanket but clapping.
jared aimed at hamood habibi while he wasnt looking and pulled the trigger. hamood habibi collapsed on the ground and everyone stopped clapping. the fuckboys™ picked up dev and pulled him away. shi uncovered his head and looked up at jared like a deer in headlights. pip looked over too.
"im surprised you really did that- haha wait" jared had the gun pointed at pip now. she really didnt feel like dying again. didnt feel like calling that bitch hol horse again. "j-j-j-jared please put the gun down" she didnt want to summon her own gun. she had the fastest draw in the west. or at least in the italian mafia. jared had tears streaming down his face.
"you hurt chen!!!!!!!" he cried and tightened his grip on the gun. pip was sweating. she looked down at shi. he was looking skyward. what? there was a bright light, blocking out the distant fireworks. jognhyun descended from heaven and walked up to jared.
"pathetic" he spat. he hesitantly slapped jared across the face. BIGMEATYCLAWS came slithering out and hissed at jonghyun. "do you want me to banish you again???" BIGMEATYCLAWS crossed like 16 arms and disappeared. jared was still sobbing and he shakily dropped the gun.
"did hE POSSESS ME!??!?!" he looked at dev, then hamood, and then pip and shi. jonghyun hugged him and began ascending back to heaven.
"your dad is somewhat stupid uwuwuwu" jared waved goodbye.
"i know uwuwu"
just then the distant crowd roared with happiness. they all looked up at the giant clock. it read 12:00 AM. everyone got a little leaky eye. especially dev who dramatically thought he would die a virgin. the end uwu.
