(December 30, 2018)
uwu she tried to sniff my peepee uwu
things returned to normal after crackhead prom in hell. pip returned to her life (despite the restraining order) but ahem ahem anyway on to more plot convenient things.
pip was sitting in class because CHRISTMAS BREAK WAS OVER AND NO ONE WAS HAPPY ANYWHERE.
okay
listen
she was sitting there when an announcement came over her schools shitty ass intercom system.
"PIP GET YOUR ASS IN HERE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" it sounded like jared oh my fuck. she zoomed out of class right up the the front desk. jared stood they weeping but not realyl.
"whAT HAPPEEND" PIP CRIED. JARED SHOOK HER BACK AND FORHT.
"ITS KYUNGSOO 4. P-P-P-P-P-PAUL JACE KILLED HIM!!!!!!!!"
"wait deadass?"
"yES AND THE FUNERAL IS RIGHT NOW" jared grabbed her by the arm nd they teleported to the funeral home. BIGMEATYCLAWS came slithering out of the front door. jared stopped and squinted at him. "is everyone here now?"
"no the kyungsoo twins arent here but kyungsoo 1 is." everyone nodded in acceptance. they walked back in (unless youre BIGMEATYCLAWS then you just slither back in). everyone was wearing black. but pip and jared were literally wearing blinding neon shirts how is this allowed?!?!
they sat down and waited. what the fuck happens at funerals btw.
what? just continue with the story? ok.
so its FINALLY TIME FOR THE FUNERAL.
someone stands up to speak about the dearly parted. oh my god its BIGMEATYCLAWS. he starts talking about how cool kyungsoo 4 was and how he was the real kyungsoo. kyungsoo 1 is actually the doppelganger and everyone goes leaky eye. ESPECIALLY KAI WHO IS ACTUAOYL SOBOIGN.
BIGMEATYCLAWS sits down and its time for someone else to stand up and speak about kyungsoo 4. kyungsoo 1? whoever it is that died in a fire in paul jace's basement. thats who.
the man, the myth, the legend JONGHYUN IS HERE AND HE TALKS ABOUT HOW KYUNGSOO WILL MAKE A FINE ADDITION TO THE MRPS (MORTAL REALM PROTECTION SERVICE).
then the second, man myth legend stands up and its kai. he is WEEPING SO HARD. "I CANT BELIEVE HE ONLY GAVE ME TWO BLOWJOBS" HE SOBS. really no one is surprised. except pip who thought he was straight. she smiles and it looks kinda like this --->
she glances over at chen who is gazing attentively at kai. she looks at jared who is sitting there laughing at her because thank fuck someone told her kai was gay oh y god. this is too good
but like eveyr fever drema. something fucked up happens.
someone else stands up. eveyrone looks at him confused. he clears his throat and utters into the mic: hamood habibi
PIP AND JARED START SCREEHCING. THEY STAND UP ADN RUN UP THE ISLE TO HAMOOD.
"WHY HTE FUCK ARE YOU HERE!??!" JARED SCREMAS. HAMOOD STARTS CLAPPING AND EVEYRONE FOLLOWS ALONG. EVERYONE IS SCREMAING. BUT THERE IS A FEW VOICES THAT RISE ABOVE THE OTHERS. THEN THEY HEAR IT.
"ㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎㅎ"
JARED DUCKS DOWN BUT PIP IS CONFUSED AS HELL SO SHE TURNS AROUND ONLY TO BE ELECTROCUTED TO DEATH BY THE KYUNGSOO TWINS. HER LIFELESS BODY COLLAPSES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ISLE AND EVERYONE SCREAMS LOUDER. HAMOOD STARTS DANCING ON HER BODY. JARED IS WEEPING. BIGMEAYTYCLAWS IS YODELING VINES ON THE CIELING. KAI IS CURLED UP INTO A BALL BECAUSE HES GRIEVNIG. CHEN RUNS OVER AND PCISK UP PIPS CHARRED CORPSE. HER ARM SNAPS OFF AND EVERYONE FUCKING VOMITS. HE LAYS HER BODY ON THE ALTAR AND BEGINS CHANTING: "WHITEST MAN IN THE LAND COME AND MAKE US LIVE AGAIN" IN A PERFECT SOUTHERN ACCENT.
HOL HORSE MATERIALIZES BEHIND HIM AND SHOVES HIM OUT OF THE WAY. "I SWEAR TO JESUS YOU KIDS ALWAYS GET INTO MORE BULLSHIT." chen inhales.
"you right"
"AND YOU WANT THE POWER OF JESUS, me, TO REVIVE THSI HERE LADY"
chen nods, "you right" hol horse nods.
"stnad back bucko" chen backs away obediently "AIGHT NOW WATCH THIS AMAZIN POWER KID"
"..."
"RAVIOLI RAVIOLI RAVIOLI" pip rises up like a fucking vampire on halloween night. or dio when he needs his fucking exercise. only now shes mista what the fuck.
"gun daddy" she....he.....PIP WHISPERS. hol horse holds her close.
"oh yeah brother"
chen stEPS UP AND PUSHES HOL HORSE AWAY. "go back to sucking vampire dick you twink!!!!!!!!" and hol hrose leaves.
"what about the restraining order" pip coughs. chen gives her a dead expression. he slithers 500,000,000,000 feet away. pip is shakign. but theres bigger fish to fry right now. a special fish known as HAMOOD HABIBI. jared runs up to her.
"oH M YGOD YOURE FINALLY BACK WAS THAT HOL HORSE" pip nods "IM WPEEONG BUT ANYWAY WE GOTTA KILL HAMOOD HABIBI."
they run back over to where hamood is being held down by BIGMEATYCLAWS because everyone else is still clapping. jared summons a gun from the handy dandy GUCCI BACKPACK™. pip squints.
"i couldve just used my gun to-" before anyone can say anything the door is thrown ipen and PAUL JACE races over to hamood habibi. he grasb him with the rake and pulls him away into a portal. jared scREECHS IN ANGER.
"WE COULDVE KILLED HIM BRO" he cries. pip solemnly nods.
what a fucking stupdi funeral.
pip returns home where she gets a voicemail from chen.
"OWO"
pip throws the phone. cursed voicemail.
jared has sex to ko ko bop part 5.
BIGMEATYCLAWS really doesnt do anything.
but now hamood habibi and PAUL JACE are nowhere to be found. the kyungsoo twins are put in charge of the basement doors now. every now and then kai can be heard weeping because the real kyungsoo died. never forget.
