(January 13, 2019)
why is uprising by muse playing when this isnt even about music oh wait
pip sat by herself voring an entire bag of sweethearts in the middle of january. they were so good she couldnt control herself. she literally has no self restraint. pip you fucking whore. ok anyway enough self-loathing for one second. jared emerged from the closet. it was late at night so it was asmr time.
"pip" he whispered "its BIGMEATYCLAWS he's he's he's fuCKING THINGS UP" jared began observing pip's rooming clearly for the first time. "is that a guitar?"
"yes"
"can you play?"
"no"
"oh okay"
pip gets up and they go into the closet. instead of going directly to hell, they're put in an elevator. what is this. theres three signs on the wall behind them. one says: Stairway to Heaven. another says: Highway to Hell. the last sign is: Elevator to Purgatory. pip started panicking.
"but i donT BELIEVE IN PURGATORY" she wept and fell to her knees. dramatic bithc. jared squinted.
"i dont believe in purgatory either but here we are" he shrugged. he ended up dragging pip out of the elevator. the most notable thing about purgatory is how blindingly pastel everything is. there were also birds everywhere that were just their normal colors. all you could hear was the screech of birds everywhere. there were wax statues of angels and religious figures everywhere. it was uncanny as fuck. mirrors were also everywhere. but one thing made it worse.
the layout of purgatory was like a maze. to get to heaven you had to reach the end before..... beofre what again...?
"if we dont get through the maze, what happens,,,,,,,?" pip whispered. jared walked up to a statue and slapped it.
"i dunno but i think it involves BIGMEATYCLAWS" he turned and shrugged. jared walked up to the start of the maze. "we might want to hurry. if we take longer than 40 days, HE will come" pip inhaled and took a running start into the maze. "we shOULD STICK TOGETHER" but it was too late, she already turned a corner. you can only hear someone in the maze if your in the maze too. he walked in. "PIP!?!?!??!!?" there was no reply.
jared looked around to see that he was surrounded by mirrors and wax figures. only all the wax saints became his kins. directly ahead of him stood a wax statue of kakyoin. the statue blinked and smiled at him.
"hi haru!!!!!" kakyoin chirped happily, "it's an honor to meet you" he bowed a little and jared took a big shit just like EDP445. he began weeping. kakyoin chuckled. "don't cry!!!!! it's ok uwuwu" kakyoin walked over to him and sorta,,,, dUG A CLAW INTO HIS SHOULDER. JARED YODELED. kakyoin was GONE. YURI WAS HERE. she giggled loudly. she broke out into a maniacal laughter. jared was SHAKING.
"LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he scREAMED. yuri turned her head suddenly. behind her, dio bRANDO STOOD WITH A WHOLE KNIFE. she moande and pulled it out of his hands. she turned back to jared with a strange look in her eyes. dio brando just kinda stood there without a purpose. yuri smirked as she closed in with the knife. jared backed into a mirror and scREAMED LOUDER. he shielded his face from from everything.
meanwhile, pip was walking around looking at all the LOVELY birds. they were all so PRETTY. she stopped at a 4 way intersection. she looked around confused as hell. she stood there surrounded by mirrors. she went up to one and stuck her finger to the glass. she sighed with relief. "ok its not a two-way mirror,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, but whAT ABOUT ALL THE OTHER MIRRORS!?!?" she turned around and became face to face with rohan. "?!?!?!?!??!" rohan did one of those really sophisticated artist poses.
"no you gotta keep that expression !!!!" he hissed and pip tensed up. she heard movement off to her left. doppio fucking zoomed over to rohan mid-drawing and took his pen.
"hello!?!? boss !?!??!?!" he was swEATING. rohan glared at him so beyond pissed off. "boss please !!!!! i need to talk to you i-"
rohan forcibly took the pen back and hissed like the gremlin man he is. man's literally covered in pens but he still took it back. just then guido mista hIMSELF emerged from a two-way mirror and pip had a stroke. he grabbed pip's hand and pulled her through the mirror.
they tumbled out behind yuri. mista automatically jumped up and pointed his gun at yuri. "LEAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he howled. dio brando used the world to surround him with like 192385874 knives. he grabbed a 2 L bottle of 7up. he drank the 7up with an inhuman smile. when time resumed, mista was so metally damaged that he turned back into a wax statue of the apostle bartholomew. pip had a mental breakdown but also a moment of strength. she grabbed a knife and weaseled her way over to yuri.
"BEGONE THOT" she cried and plunged the knife into yuri's back. she was someone shocked and turned to look at her. she began laughing uncontrollably. she pointed her own knife at her stomach and dug it in. she collapsed on the ground and returned to being a statue of the apostle andrew. jared looked up. he could've easily got himself out of that situation. maybe the yurishift was too strong. pip didnt even use her full force with the knife. she doesn't really like hurting people physically. she just cant bring herself to. yuri is just a little nutty. dio brando just stood there drinking his 7up and eyeing us closely.
someone appeared from behind dio. jared and pip had an irl stroke. it was none other than hol horse himself. "this is america" he whispered and shot dio in the back of the head. he walked up to the two and grabbed them both. "i know the way to the exit." he had the most exaggerated southern accent and everyone loves it. they went through a mirror and arrived at a large area where literally everything was a reflective surface. "one of these is the two-way mirror to heaven" hol horse stood there squinting and smoking his cigarette like usual. "it may take you guys days to find the right one because the pattern always changes and even i dont know wher-"
"found it" jared popped back in from a mirror. hol horse looked surprised but somewhat proud!?!?! pip was about to go through when.
"what about rohan and doppio?!?!?!" hol horse smiled innocently.
"who??"
"nevermind" she went through the mirror after jared. she fell out and landed on a cloud. "that didnt hurt at all" up ahead, jared was talking to jonghyun, who was really happy to see him since the new years duel.
"i'm so happy to see yOU JONGHYUN" jared wept.
"are you feeling better after BIGMEATYCLAWS did you dirty??" he smoothly asked. jared nodded and they hugged. pip got a little leaky eye. but i think everyone did. "but you know i have to send you to hell right?" jonghyun noticed the worried looks on their faces. "no noT BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO HELL ITS JUST YOU TWO AREN'T DEAD YET AND ,,,,, just allow me to open a portal to your room" jonghyun used the le epic powers to open a portal. the two went through the portal and came out in jared's closet.
"okay that was nutty" pip gasped.
"wackjob" jared replied.
"dumbass"
"deadass"
