Taught {Lams AU}

50/50 -30-

(Saturday)

Alex's POV

I stayed, leaning, against John for hours.
I didn't have the energy to get up. To eat. To drink. To open my eyes.

John would try to get me to do anything, but I couldn't.

Just like last time.

John wouldn't leave, either.
He didn't want to leave me.
He wanted to make sure I was okay.

He reminds me of Philip.
Always there when you need.
Which is why he'd make a great dad.

He would be there for his kid.
And kids need that.
Like Philip does.

He needs me.
But... you know... I wasn't.

I watched him get shot.

I did nothing.

Yeah, I was paralyzed in a state of fear. That's not an excuse.
I fucking watched my son get shot in the hip.
I watched him flatline.

I watched his breathing stop- twice.
I watched him in pain.
I watched the last bit of life drain from him.

And now I'm here.
Waiting.
Doing nothing.

I'm a terrible fucking dad.
I did nothing right.

Am I not protective enough?
If I become more protective, will he think that I'm overbearing?

Am I... not enough?
I'm barely anything.

Fuck.

I need to stop.

It's about Pip. Not me.

Pip.

God, he's perfect.

He's adorable, sweet, caring, genuine, and smart as fuck.

He's perfect.

Just like John.

The guys in my life are perfect.
I'm just... meh.

Like Evan Hansen.

Just... meh.

a/n you will only understand this if u read the book lmao

My boys are so perfect. They both are so... speechlessly amazing. I can't use words to describe how much I love them.
Me? I'm... okay.

A different doctor comes out. "Hamiltons- oh, hello." His gaze quickly averts from his clipboard to the seating room, where we are.

I sit up, John's hand still wrapped around my waist.

"Philip is doing well. He's just woken up- his blood is still low. He's very weak-"

Life reenters my once numb and empty body.
He's okay.

"-and he could quickly... pass. We believe he may only live for a few days."

Fuck.

John's arm tightens around me.

I nod, "What's the probability of him living past-"

John whispers into my ear, "Babe, it'll work itself out-"

We all seem to get cutoff.

The doctor shifts uncomfortably, "It's honestly about 50/50. If he does happen to live through those days, he should be good."

I nod.

50/50.

It's like flipping a coin.
For his life.

"May we see him?" I croak, anticipating to see my son again.
God, I hope I can see him again.

The doctor hesitates. "Well- he's not supposed to have visitors until tomorrow."

I let out a long breath.
Please make it.

"Babe, we can see him tomorrow. Please just calm down. We will see him." John states softly.

I nod.
That's when I realize the amount of times he has called me 'babe.'
I internally freak out for a second before thinking about Pip.

God, Pip.
He must be so scared.
He doesn't know if he'll live.
God... if he doesn't, I don't know what I'll do.

Cry, that's for sure.

He's my pride and joy.

As the doctor walks away, I slip my phone out of my pocket.

2 messages. One from Laf and one from Burr.

Laf: hey- hows philip?
(Delivered 9:47)

Burr: Theo is very worried about Philip. Keep us updated.
(Delivered 9:58)

I decide to text them.

Alex: 50/50 of him living after a few days.

I send the message separately to both.

I turn my phone off and put it back into my pocket.

"John, will he-"

"Lex, he will be fine. Don't doubt your son." His lips touch my temple softly.

I nod, turning my face towards his.

He removes his lips from my temple and instead kisses me softly, on the lips.

God, I love him- so much.

I break away, leaning against him once again.

He's my support.
Literally and figuratively.
He supports me when I need it- like now... physically and mentally.
He's like my rock. He keeps me grounded. He's what keeps me... sane.
He holds me up.
He's... John.
John's perfect.

Before I know it, a wave of fatigue hits me as I fall into a dreamless sleep.