Taught {Lams AU}

Dying? -35-

(Tuesday)

Pip's POV

I know, I'm a strong kid and whatever. I hear it all the time.
But I feel so weak. It's hard to sit up. It's hard to turn my head. It's hard to lift my hand up.

No one needs me. Is this what it feels like to die? Am I dying?
What happens after you die?

Do I want to find out? Will it just be... nothing? Or is Heaven and Hell a thing. I'm not religious, so what will happen to me if they do exist? Will I be stuck in the middle? Will I be stuck in this world... just invisible? No one noticing me. Being ignored. No one ever seeing me again. Will it just be black? Will I reincarnate?
I think nothing is the scariest. If reincarnation is a thing, I'm pretty down. I could go back to NYC and see everyone again. If I remember who I am. Being stuck as a spirit or some shit would be so... sad. Terrible. Watching everyone around you grieve over you or something else. And you can't do anything.

I would have to watch John and dad cry over me.

Fuck. I have to try. For dad.

I have tubes in my stomach for food. It sucks. I should try.

Alex's POV

"Dad, can I try to eat actual food?" His voice is tired and raspy.

He's trying.

I nod.

I go to the desk on this floor. I ask for his doctor. I ask for something that he can eat without dying and chewing. Easy stuff.

He hands me a little thing of Jello.

He ate it.
He was smiling.
God, I would do anything to see him smile. He hasn't smiled in so long.

His hair lost its fluff. It was now dry and pretty flat.

John went home to grab all of us clothes, so I can change and still be with Pip.

I hope he gets better. It's been 3 days. That's a few. The 10% starts now. 10% if he lives past today. All of the nurses have given me mixed answers. "He's going to make it!" "He's weak. He's not going to..." "He's such a strong guy. I would say 50/50." "I hope you're okay after he inevitably...*cough*"

Who the fuck says that last one?

He's pale. He barely can move. But he ate, and that's enough for now. I hope he gets better.

He's my son, for fucks sake!
If he doesn't make it, I won't be able to function.
I can't imagine passing his bedroom door everyday without him in it.

Hell, John will miss him. He's always said how Pip was his favorite student.

And maybe it's because it's his not-official-boyfriend's kid.
But that's okay.
I just need Philip.

He's all that I've got.

"Dad?" Pip looks at me with his brows furrowed.

I blink a few times- I spaced out. "Oh, sorry, Pip. Yeah?"

"You were just staring." He puts on a frown.

I nod, "Yeah, just thinking."

He hums in response. "Also, when can I go home?"

His voice cracks. I break. I feel tears welling up.

Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.

"I dunno, Philip. Depends how much better you get. Faster you heal, faster you get to go home."

He nods. "Will you care if I di-"

"Philip, shut up." I let a soft laugh out, "Of fucking course I would. You're my 'only' son. I don't have anyone else besides you. And, unlike John, you've been in my life for nearly 16 years- I need you, Pip." At this point, a constant stream of tears flow from my eyes. I look into his; he's doing the same.

I hear the door open. Pip and I both turn our heads. John just looks at us, his brows furrowed.

I smile a bit, "Bad timing, John."

He turns red and rubs his neck awkwardly. He gives a quick wave and shuts the door.

God, he's cute.

I look back at Pip. He has a giant smile on his face. I raise an eyebrow. Never a good sign when Pip smiles like this.

"You're so gay, holy fuck." He whispers.

I realize that my face was burning; blushing. Whoops.

"ANYWAY, I need you. You're the only family I have. I love you, Philip."

His smile softens, "I love you, too, dad."

"I can't wait till you can come home and we can watch GOT from the couch instead of the most uncomfortable pieces of furniture." I grumble with a smile. He makes me happy.

"Then go home and watch Game of Thrones-"

"Nope! Our show." I pop the 'P' to annoy him. He just smiles. "Smile more, Pip. It makes me happy."

His face tinges a slight red, "That was a very mom-thing to say."

I shrug, "Motherly charm, Pip."

We both end up laughing a bit.

"So, Pip, should we let John in."

His smile falters before he nods.
Does he hate John?

Oh God.

Do I have to pick?
Obviously, I'm picking my son.
But does that mean I have to stop 'seeing' John?
Why?

"We don't have to, Pip." I hold back any emotion that I was holding; confusion and sadness.

Mainly confusion.

He nods a bit.

"Do you not like him?"

He laughs a bit, "No, no. I just... wanna spend time with my dad. I like John, a lot, actually. I just want to hang out with you while we can-"

"Philip, don't say that," that sadness that I was holding back swept up behind me out of no where, "We have plenty of time." I try hard, but the tears that were welling up hit my eyes like a hurricane; ironic. They fall.

He shakes his head, "Dad, it's going to happen. I'm a pussy! I literally have been in the hospital twice in a week! I'm going to die-"

I watch his eyes burn with... an emotion that I've never seen. Failure? Possible. Disappointment? Also possible.

I saw a flash of anger, sadness, annoyance, everything.

He thinks he's going to die.
He's still rambling.

"Pip, stop." My voice is soft. He looks at me.

He stops. He looks away from me, gazing at the end of his bed.

"Sorry-"

"Shut the fuck up, Philip. Stop. Just stop. I want you to live through this. You have to want to, too. Please, stay alive. For me?"

By now, I haven't stopped crying since the last time.
Pip hasn't either.

He breathes in through his nose, sniffling, "Okay... I'll try."

I nod and wipe my eyes. "Promise?"

"Yes, dad," he laughs a bit, "I promise. I love you."

I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself down, "I love you, too, Pip."

He smile a bit lopsided. "John can come in."