Finding You and Me: Bucky Barnes Fanfiction

Dwelling on the Past

"Fire it up, Red!" Cap yells as we enter the jet.

I run to the cockpit and start up the plane.

"Strap yourselves in boys!" I shout to Bucky and Steve.

When I look back and see that there are secure, I start to take off. I knew it would be hard getting out of the hanger now that I had to go over the top of a tower now as well.

I was so focused on getting us out I bark noticed that Natasha was still fighting off his majesty. He almost made it onto the plane too, but I pulled the wheels up just in time.

We make it out and I start to accelerate in speed. We get farther away from the airport and I turn my communications back on so I can speak with Sam about the little problem we now seem to have.

"Sam, we're having a little trouble here. We got Tin Man and Mini Tin on our tail," I say referring to Rhodes and Stark who are trying to catch up to the plane.

"On it," Sam replies.

"Thank you!"

And with that, it's stressful, but a peaceful ride to Siberia.

~~~~

"What's going to happen to your friends?" Bucky asks.

I'm glad Steve answered because I had no idea. That is a very good question soldier.

"Whatever it is," Steve pauses to breathe, "I'll deal with it."

Their voices get quiet, but I can still hear them.

"I don't know if I'm worth all this Steve," Bucky whispers sadly.

"What you did all those years wasn't you, Bucky. You didn't have a choice. You know that," I speak my mind and Bucky sighed, regretting speaking in the first place because I heard what he had said.

"I know."

"Good," I nod.

"But I did it," Bucky continues.

"I don't know how else to explain this to you, Buck. That wasn't you. You had no control over your actions. I didn't either, but part of me still felt guilty. Keyword: felt. As in not anymore. Stop dwelling on the past," I rant.

"You don't know that, Red," Bucky tries to argue.

"Yes, I do!" I scream, "I know better than anyone! I was in your position! I saw you get tortured and wiped! I saw the difference between Bucky Barnes and the Winter Soldier. Don't you dare say otherwise," my voice gets quieter as I continue.

A tear slips down my face and I quickly wipe it away. I put the jet in autopilot and stand up.

"Steve, do you mind?" I ask as I last his seat.

"Not at all," he says after taking a minute to comprehend what I asked.

He gets up and places himself in the pilot's seat. I continue my walk over to a quiet corner.

God, this plane is tiny. I miss my plane.

I feel a hand on my shoulder and if I were anywhere else, I would flip that person over my shoulder, but I'm on a plane with two other people. One of which is flying the plane. I don't want to flip Sergeant Barnes.

"Do you really blame yourself?" I ask as I turn around.

"Honestly, yes. Yes I do," Bucky states very sternly.

"Why? You did everything you could have done to fight HYDRA. This is anyone's fault, but yours," I say and place a hand on his jaw.

He squeezes my hand between his jaw and his shoulder, holding it in place. He doesn't make eye contact with me either.

"It's not your fault either," Bucky softly says.

"Maybe. Maybe not. I just sat and watched you get tortured. They barely had to try to wipe me and take control. It took them four years to get me. In took them twenty years to fight you. There was five years. Five years of watching you suffer while I was a powerful assassin."

"You didn't know me. Why would you save me?"

"I don't know, but part of me is glad I didn't. If I did, I may have never fallen in love with you."

That's a lie.I fell in love with him the second I heard his voice. The second I saw his face.If I saved him, I might have never had him.

"I love you," Bucky whispers and kisses the palm of my hand that is still resting on his face.

"I love you too."

Tears still fall, but I don't know what kind. I'm not happy and I'm not sad. I'm just, broken.

Bucky can sense that I'm conflicted and he pulls me in close. He holds me in his arms for the rest of the way to Siberia.

He never let go and I never wanted him to.

~~~~~~

"Alright, guys. Let's go," Steve says once he's landed the jet.

"Got any guns on this thing?" a weaponless Bucky asks.

"Come on, I'll show you," I say and pull him over to a weapon panel.

I push the button and a row of guns come from the wall. Bucky scans his options and eventually picks one. I'm not into guns, so I can't give you details.

Steve lowers the ramp and waits for Bucky and I to walk out with him. Bucky starts to walk, but I stop him.

"Wait. I just want to tell you something. I've known you for fifty years. There hasn't been a day that I haven't thought of you. I know that sounds cliche, but it's true. Even before us, you were always on my mind. I just wanted you to know that," I blabber.

"Can I ask why?" Bucky laughs.

"Ask why I thought of you, or why I told you that I did," I ask for confirmation.

He laughs again, "Ask why you told me."

"Sure, you can ask that," I joke and Bucky rolls his eyes.

"Why did you tell me all that?"

"I don't know. I'm just scared of whatever is in there. I don't want to lose you," I say and put my hands on his chest.

"You won't."

Steve doesn't look back. I know he heard everything, but he gave us the respect of letting the words happen. The least I could do was return the favor.

I can tell Bucky wants to finally talk to Steve alone anyways. I realize that they really haven't had that luxury yet.

"Go. I can wait," I say and look over at Steve.

Bucky smiles and kisses my forehead. He walks up next to Steve in somewhat of a nervous way. When he gets to him, Steve acts like he snuck up on him and sits up straight.

Cute.

"You remember that time we had to ride back from Rockaway Beach in the back of that freezer truck?" Steve asks thinking back to old times.

"Was that the time we used our tree money to buy hot dogs?" Bucky scoffs.

"You blew three bucks trying to win that stuffed bear for a redhead," Steve rolls his eyes.

Wow. Bucky has a type.

Bucky's smile widens and I let him. Maybe I am a little jealous, but he didn't know me.

"What was her name again?" Bucky asks.

No longer jealous.

"Dolores. You called her Dott," Steve says looking at his shoes.

"She's got to be a hundred years old right now," Bucky says in disbelief.

"So are we pal," Steve places a hand on Bucky's back and they walk out side by side.

I trail behind wondering what it was like before everything happened. Before World War 2 when they were truly just happy guys living their lives. I wonder what it was like fighting side by side against Nazis. It seems crazy to live in a time like that, but maybe I did too.

I may never know.