Bechloe - One For My Baby

Chapter XVIII

I hate myself right now. I hate myself for multiple reasons but the main one is how I snapped at and avoided Beca all day. She was only trying to help me and I pushed her away... I'm not proud of what I did but I couldn't tell her what was wrong with me. If I did... She would have left and I wouldn't be able to cope with that. I know that Beca and I haven't been dating long but I already have strong feelings for her. She is quite defensive and distant but I can see that she's got a big heart and that she cares a lot. I only have to look at how she treats me compared to the others in our group to see that.

If I could tell Beca without any consequence I would, but I can't risk it. Daddy says if I tell anyone he'd hurt them badly and the thought of Beca getting hurt in any way makes me sick to my stomach. I'll do everything I can to keep Beca and everyone else safe. If daddy knew about me and Becs... I hate to think what he'd do to her. Thankfully, Beca's agreed to keep our relationship a secret when it comes to daddy. I'm glad that she hasn't questioned it further. I wouldn't even know where to begin to tell her what's happening at home. I wish that I wasn't so rude to Beca today but I just couldn't be around her. If I was to be around her, I would have broken into tears then I would have had to come up with a lie as to why I was so upset and I don't like lying. I know I have to lie when it comes to daddy but with everything else, I tell the truth - it's just who I am.

Today was hard. I've missed Beca like crazy and I wanted nothing more than to hug her and kiss her but again, I couldn't. Unfortunately, I had to push her away to keep myself safe and her safe, for that matter. She's given me a charger for my phone so I'll write to her soon. I need to apologise to her for today. It'll be easier to do it via text because if I do it over the phone or in person I'll cry and I can't let that happen. Hopefully, once I sort things out with Becs, tomorrow will be a better day and we can carry on as usual. I've missed her and I just want things to go back to the way things were but that then leads to another problem - I'm not allowed over at Beca's house again.

Daddy won't let me go over anyone's house after what happened last time. You'd think that I'd learn to take my vitamins but I forgot and I cannot express the feeling I got when he asked me if I took them. I knew what was going to happen and I wish that I wasn't as upset as I was when daddy got angry but he scares me when he's angry. I should consider myself lucky that day. He threw me in the laundry and kept me in there for a few hours. Usually, he does something else that I don't want to repeat so I'm grateful that he didn't this time. But yesterday was a different story. He spent the day 'making it up to me'. We went out and he bought me some new clothes and other things then we had a nice dinner. He apologised for what he did. He said that he cares about me so much and the thought of anything happening to me makes him so scared that he reacts out of anger.

He's told me that before and I know that he means it because he spends the next day making it up to me, which leads me to explain the other reason for why I hate myself. I hate myself for not saying no to daddy. When we share the same bed I want to say no but I can't find my voice. I was close to saying no yesterday but when I spoke, he just covered my mouth and kept doing what he was doing. I couldn't stop him. I never could stop him and I don't think I'll ever be able to. Daddy's a big man - not fat, just tall and rather muscular. He's about six-foot and because of his job, he's quite strong so I'm completely powerless to stop him. It's pointless to resist him. It'll only get me into more trouble and I don't want that.

I wish things weren't like this between daddy and I. He says that he loves me and I believe him. Of course daddy loves me. He looks after me and he does what he can. I just don't like it when he kisses me on the lips and other places. It makes me uncomfortable. It's always made me uncomfortable. I've wanted to ask people if they get uncomfortable when their dads kiss them but daddy says that people don't talk about that since it's a very private thing between father and daughter, which is fair enough. I personally wouldn't want to know about people's sex lives in detail, that's for sure.