Fix You

XII.

Alex's POV

The day always drags on when I don't sleep very well. I tossed and turned all night and everything that happened last night has been on my mind all day. I can still hear Michael moaning and I get shivers down my spine every single time as I sit in this dreadful lecture. I don't know what came over me last night. I felt like a brand new person and a train wreck mixed in one. Hearing that song really put things into a different perspective for me. And when I kissed Michael, a feeling came over me that I've never experienced before. My heart was aching and the feel of his lips on mine erased all of it away. He always makes things better for me. I only wish I knew what Michael is thinking right this minute. I have a lump in my throat at the thought that things could be awkward between us and it's all my fault. He finds me crying my eyes out for a reason unknown to him, I kiss him, blow him, and turn him away when he tries to touch me. What he doesn't realize is that I wanted him so bad. I didn't want to stop kissing him and having him so close to me. But the minute he put his hands by my panties, I panicked. When I pushed his hand away, I could see the devastation on his face and that makes me feel even worse. He must be so confused and it really is all my fault. All of this on top of the lies I've already told. I can't stop thinking about it and I'm on the verge of tears in the middle of class. I playfully mess with the bracelets on my arm, biting my lip to hold back tears.  I'm so good for messing things up. I really need to fix things before I make anything else worse, but I have no idea how. Thank God I have a therapy appointment today because I really need someone to talk to.

Michael's POV

I've been in bed all morning pretending to be sick. The last thing I feel like doing is being social so I don't want the boys to bug me. My dad apologized last night and there was no sense of sincerity in his voice. After Alex left, I refused to stay at my parents' house alone. So I drove back to the band house to be with my boys and now here I am, laying in bed reminiscing on last night's events.

I feel this sharp pain in my chest every time I've thought about the way Alex's lips felt on mine. Sure, the blow job was incredible but I would've been fine just laying there, kissing her. It's ironic to think that the first blow job I ever recieved was while we were on tour and I needed to distract myself of how much I missed Alex. I would be desperate for any relief of stress. I guess the same goes for the other five times after that. With those girls, my body was physically there but my heart was in Australia.

There's an emptiness in my chest when I think about the way she turned me away. I can't ignore the part of me that feels like she only blew me because she felt bad. And that makes me feel worst of all. Maybe she saw how stressed I was and took the opportunity to relieve me. It's all my fault for mentioning that I had an erection. She must've sucked me off all because I made her feel bad. My stomach drops at the thought of how I've ruined things with her. Every horrible feeling I feel at this moment is my own fault. She turned me away because she doesnt actually want me. And that's why my chest has been hurting all morning. I finally faced the true reality that I've been fighting to ignore our whole friendship.

I know I've ruined it. I feel the urge to know what she's thinking right now in hopes that maybe she'll prove me wrong. I'm so embarrassed at how into everything I was and that she had no interest. She fucking knows the one thing I tried so hard to keep from her. The one thing that I've tried so hard to hide for eight years. Last night, I made it so obvious.

I love her. I'm fucking in love with her. She knows that I want so much more than a friendship with her. This is what I was so afraid of happening. I've already embarrassed myself too much. I want to fix things with her but I'm not even sure how to do that.

I hear the boys in the living room working on a song and my head hurts so much. I'm getting so worked up that I'm afraid I'll actually make myself sick. I'm so miserable but I need to hang with my best friends and distract myself from any thought of Alex. I pull on a long sleeve jumper to cover the dark hickies on my collarbones and head to cuddle Luke on the couch.

"Are you alright, mate? You didn't look too good this morning." Calum asks, grabbing his bass and sitting on the beige leather couch across from me and Luke. "Yeah, I'm good now. What were you guys working on?" I ask quickly trying to change the subject. "Ah, the harmonies for 'Never Be' and 'Close As Strangers.'" Luke says with his acoustic guitar rested on his leg. I don't react much because I'm trying so hard to act like everything is alright. 'Close As Strangers' is a song I wrote about missing Alex and that's the last song I want to work on right now.