Fix You

XLVI.

Michael's POV

Rehearsals have gone amazing this morning and it feels so fucking good to be playing music again. I'm beginning to feel more and more excited to tour but not one part of me wants to leave Alex. She kept dropping hints to me yesterday that she wanted to have sex but I couldn't physically bring my body to do it. As much as I loved having her all over me and as much as I wanted to, I just couldn't. It all hurts too much. I hated getting out of bed this morning and having to leave her. I kept kissing her face until she budged in her sleep. I'm driving myself crazy over this. Her dad is right though and I want nothing more than what's best for her. I keep searching for ways around this but there really is only one option.

Alex's POV

Why did I even bother coming to class this morning? I'm completely exhausted and it's been hard for me to keep my eyes open. I begin to think about if I do go on tour with Michael, how I won't have to dread sitting in these lectures each morning. That is a good enough reason for me to go. I wonder if Michael has really thought about it yet. It's only been a day but I'm so anxious to know. I'm sure my parents wouldn't mind me going away for a few months if it meant I got to be with Michael. They don't really have a say anyway so I hope Michael decides soon.

I woke up to Michael's sweet kisses this morning and as tired as I am, I can't think of a better way to have started off my day. I stopped by the coffee shop this morning to help get my fix of caffeine in order to take on the day. That was almost three hours ago and I'm already feeling groggy. There was a stand in the shop this morning with adorable little stuffed toys on them. The cute little lion reminded me of Michael and it was just too cute to turn away, so I just had to snag him. I head back to the boys' place and it feels odd seeing how empty things are beginning to look. All of their instruments and equipment are gone and the house starts to feel cold. I tidy up the boys' rooms by making their beds and neatening their clothes. I make myself something to eat and I sit on the couch and flip through the channels for something to watch.

I hear a key turn in the front door and in walks Michael, by himself. "Hey babe," I say focusing back on the TV. "What're you doing here?" He asks breathing heavily. "Am I not supposed to be here?" I sit up from the couch and rummage through my bag for Michael's gift. "No. I mean, I just wasn't expecting you to be here." He looks out of breath and I'm starting to worry. He aggressively pulls my lips to his grasping onto my neck. He sighs into the kiss and I try to ask him what's wrong. "Just keep kissing me, please." He begs and my stomach flutters. I smile into the kiss and place my hands on his waist. "Alex. . . I want to talk to you about something," he says and I'm smiling from ear to ear. "Okay, but first, I got you a present this morning." I excitedly grab the stuffed lion from my bag and hand him to Michael. He slowly grabs it and admires it for a second, but he doesn't say anything. "It reminded me so much of your fringe when you wake up. I had to get him," I add and he still hasn't said anything. "God, Alex. . .it's. . .that's. . .really fucking cute," he can barely finish his sentence as he begins to cry. I feel the urge to laugh because I assume these are tears of joy but the way he's holding the stuffed animal is beginning to break my heart. He hands it back to me and I'm flustered. "Alex, I'm going on tour. . .for a year and half," now he's uncontrollably sobbing and my eyes start to water. "Okay, that's fine, Mikey. You don't have to be upset. I told you I don't mind, as long as I'm with you," I reach out to hug him but he's giving me the cold shoulder. "I'm going, Alex. . .you're not." I bite my bottom lip because I don't want to cry. Please don't cry, Alex. Please be strong. Michael continues to choke on his tears and I'm trying not to look at him. "Fuck, I'm sorry I just - I can't - I can't be with you anymore. . ." I cover my mouth and reality starts to set in. He struggles to speak and it's difficult to deal with. "What are you talking about? Is this about what your dad said? You aren't hurting me, I promise. I love you." I start to whine as more tears fall down my face. So much for not crying. "You need to move on, Alex. . ." He says harshly not even looking in my direction. He wipes his eyes with his gray shirt and his lips look swollen. He reaches over to hug me but I can't breathe and it hurts me that he didn't say he loved me back. "No, get the fuck off of me," I can't stop shaking. I'm fuming and my heart feels like Michael just took a sledgehammer to it. "Alex, please. . ." He reaches for my arm and out of extinct, I turn around to slap him. I'm completely shaken and I can't stop crying. "Fuck you Michael," I throw the stupid lion at him and hurry towards the door. "Alex, no, I don't want you to drive. . .please talk to me," I hear him yell but I quickly get into my car and lock it. I take a second to catch my breath but I can't. I wish I was dead. My heart hurts so much. This all hurts so much. I knew it was a bad idea to stop taking my medicine and stop seeing Dr. Shelby. I really thought I was fine because I had Michael but the truth is, I'm not fine at all. 

Fuck Michael. Fuck him for doing this to me. Why would he ever try something with me just to leave me in the end? Why can't I just go with him? I have nothing. I'm completely worthless. I don't know what to do so I just continue to cry. He's going away for such a long time and at this point, I could care fucking less if I ever see him again. I can't bring myself to leave though. I quickly rummage through my bag looking for any sharp object I can find. My whole face is hot and I'm falling apart. I hold my hand to my chest just to make sure my heart is still beating. I don't want to do this but it all hurts way too much. I grab a shaving ravor and roll up my sleeve. My eyes burn from crying and I feel emotionally drained. I instantly notice the 'X' on my finger and a knock of my window scares me. "Alex, what's going on? Open the door!" Calum yells and I unlock the door and he pulls me out. He gently takes the razor from my hand and hugs me close to his chest. "Mate, what's going on?" I hear Luke ask Calum. "Go check Michael!" He shouts and squeezes me tighter. "Alex, please tell me what happened? Why are you out here crying?" I'm crying uncontrollably and my heart feels like it's going to stop any minute. I don't even say anything and Calum answers his own question. "Wait, he told you? I'm so sorry, I'm so fucking sorry," he whispers into my hair beginning to cry. He pulls out my arm and rolls up my sleeve. "Jesus,. . ." He says seeing my scars for the first time and it makes me cry harder. I hate myself for almost trying to cut again. He grabs my chin and looks into my eyes. My heart is beating really fast and I'm in a daze staring at Calum. He isn't saying anything and I'm beginning to panic. He leans in closer to me and now I'm staring at his lips. "I feel really lightheaded, I say with a sudden sour taste in my mouth. "Let's bring you inside," he says grabbing me and I resist. "I can't go inside. I want to go home, Calum." I plead and I use the sleeve to my shirt to wipe my eyes. "Okay, fine. But I'm bringing you. Just let me tell the guys. I'll be right out." I'm so upset I start to choke from crying so much. I lean out of the side of my car and begin to throw up. I'm so overwhelmed and I just want to lay down. Calum comes back and rushes to my car. "I need to lay down," I confess and he takes me out of my car. He carries me bridal style into the house and I feel completely lifeless. He brings me into Luke and Ashton's room and lays me on Luke's bed. He helps remove my stained top and hands me one of Ashton's shirts on the ground. "I'll go clean this for you and get you some water, just lay down." He leaves and comes back with a glass of water and I'm staring into space. "Is there anything else I can do for you?" Calum asks, sitting on the bed beside me. I shake my head and start to cry again. "I have a really bad headache. I just want to be alone, Calum," I say rolling over to face the wall. "I'm not leaving you, Alex," he whispers and more tears start to fall. "Calum, please. . ." I plead and he doesn't budge. "I'm staying in here until you fall asleep, so don't try to make me leave." My whole body is hot and I'm trying so hard to just relax. I know I can't be trusted to be left alone because he almost witnessed me hurt myself, duo I don't blame him. "I'm not going to sleep here. Luke needs his bed," I whine and Calum laughs. "No, he doesn't. You worry too much. Just get some rest, Alex." I feel really emotionally drained and my body is sweating. "Can you ask Luke to come in here, please?" Calum quickly leaves the dark room and seconds later, Luke walks in alone. "What's up babe? Calum said you needed me." He fixes his beanie and sits on the bed next to me. "Is it okay if I sleep without pants on in your bed? I'm really hot." I say and Luke starts to laugh. "You're so funny. Yeah, of course, babe. Did you need anything else?" I feel terrible having all of the boys worry about me. This shouldn't be happening. I feel foolish and I sit up. "Luke,. . . is Michael okay?" I shamefully look down at my hands. I didn't want to care but of course, I do. I can't help but feel awful for hitting him him. "He's not really saying much, but you'll both be okay. Just try to sleep, babe." I quickly hug Luke and he rubs my back. The scent of his shirt is oddly comforting and I feel like I can breathe just a bit. I lay back down and Calum hurries back into the room with an ice pack and some medicine. "Thanks, Calum." I take back the pill and place the ice pack on my head. "I hope you don't mind, it's just really hot," Calum says removing his shirt and I shake my head. "I'm not going to be able to sleep, Cal. My heart hurts too much," I'm pitying myself at this point but my head hurts too much to even think about sleeping. "Can you lay with me?" I ask and he sweetly nods. "Uh yeah, if that's what you want." I lay back down and close my eyes to force myself to fall asleep. I feel him remove the hair sticking to my forehead and he wipes at my eyes for me to stop crying. I open my eyes to see him propped up on his elbow and he clenches his jaw. I stare into his eyes for a few seconds and my breathing is hitched. I pull him closer to me and gently kiss his plump lips. It takes him by surprise but I feel his hand touch my waist returning the kiss passionately. I run my hand through the hair on the back of his neck and he groans. He slips his tongue into my mouth out of instinct and it causes me to lightly moan. "Fuck,. . ." He quickly breaks the kiss and touches at his lips trying to register what just happened.

What the hell is wrong with me?