Fix You

XVII.

Alex's POV

After everything that happened last night, I've made it my mission to enjoy today alone. I can't seem to get the horrible thought of something happening to Michael out of my head. My heart is heavy just hoping that I never have to go through something like that with him. I don't know what I would do. There's a voice in my head telling me how hypocritical that is but I'm trying to ignore it. I have one class this morning and it's my day off from working at the cafe as well, so I made a promise to myself that I'll get back on my feet. The last thing I want to do is to end up where I was eight months ago. So I need today for myself.

I felt nauseous when I woke up this morning so I made myself some oatmeal to calm my stomach a bit. I managed to get to my 8 AM lecture even after getting barely any sleep last night. I had enough time before uni to get coffee at Starbucks just as an early pick me up and it definitely helped. I don't really talk to anyone at uni. I've had a few conversations with people here and there but I mainly just speak to my professors. It can get kinda lonely not being social and eating alone every day but I guess I've come used to it. I just always have the fear that nobody will like me. And I guess I'm reassured of that because nobody really bothers. So I just don't either. It's not a trait I'm necessarily proud of so I'm working on it.

The only times people will speak to me is because they know the lads. I love meeting fans of theirs but it overwhelms me as well. I've been with them since the start of all of this and there has been so many times where I've had to take a step back and take it all in. I can only imagine what it's like for them. I really am so proud of all of their hard work. Nobody deserves the amount of success more than those four boys. It couldn't have happened to better people.

I haven't been the most supportive person because of my tendency to be selfish. I love how far they've come in the past year and it genuinely makes me happy seeing their dreams come true; but they're away from me. That's the only con of all of this; them being so far away for so long. But it's something I've come to terms with and I know in my heart that I need to be more supportive. I'm trying my best everyday to be more optimistic. 

The only time I ever start to like myself is when Michael is around. He gives me confidence. He makes me feel like I'm not as bad as I think I am. I always feel like I can be completely open with him about anything, but lately it's been different. Life is always completely worth it when I'm with him. 

I really lost sight of everything when the boys left. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I thought Michael would forget about me. And it would eat at me every single day. I continue to jog around Hyde Park with my headphones in while these memories flow through my brain. 

At first I really wanted to keep up with everything the boys were doing. Michael would text me nonstop about how recording went and send me goofy pictures and they would really make my day. I'd keep up with all their tour updates online and all the old videos. After a short time, it became just too much. I started to feel seperation anxiety. Michael was the only person I had for so long. I was dependent on him to make me happy and be the shoulder to cry on and then one day, he was gone. I was afraid to move on. I was afraid to find someone else and forget about Michael. I already had so much history with him that I convinced myself that where he left me was where I would stay. He used to come to my house at 2 in the morning after he'd get into fights with his dad and he couldn't take it anymore. Some nights the fights were so bad and he'd be so upset. When Calum, Michael, and Luke met Ashton, all Michael ever wanted to do was play music. He'd always tell me how school felt like torture to him so he eventually stopped going. For awhile he'd hang at my house all day and sleep just so his parents didn't know he dropped out. I don't know if it's the jog or the weather, but right now as I think of all of this, I don't feel sad. It's hitting me a bit just how fucking proud I am of Michael for making it. My legs give out and I lay in the middle of a grassy patch removing my headphones.

I know that people are staring but surprisingly enough, I don't care. Going to therapy every other week for the past seven months has put some of the life back into me. But as I lay on the ground right now, sweating from head to toe and breathing in the fresh air, I feel so alive. I'm happy to be alive to have witnessed Michael make it.

I'm sitting here recalling everything that has happened with Michael so far since he's been home and I feel the need to start all over. There is no doubt in my mind that I'm in love with that boy but I want more than anything for our friendship to be back to normal. And if that means putting my feelings aside then that's what will happen. And I know that all of this has to start with me telling him the complete truth.