Fix You

XXVIII.

Alex's POV

It's been almost a week since I've spoken to Michael. I'm guessing that none of the other boys are aware of what happened because Ash asked to hang out yesterday, but I just don't feel good. I've been in my bed for two days now because I managed to make myself physically sick over this. I wake up with a migraine each morning and my throat is sore. My mom has been catering to me nonstop and I really hope I can get over this soon. All I want to do is sleep. My nose is runny from crying so much and I feel like I'm right back to where I started.

I already emailed all of my professors so I could keep up with my assignments, but the truth is, I don't have the energy to do anything. For once, I could care less about school. I haven't felt the urge to cut because I know that it would only make matters worse. I don't want anyone to be disappointed in me and I especially don't want to feel disappointed in myself. I've worked too hard to just give in now. I feel so empty though. Like I have nothing to live for. And I really need to stop thinking that way. My soup is cold and every show I wanna watch on Netflix is either Michael's favorite or reminds me of him. I'll just nap to avoid thinking about anything.

Michael's POV

I tossed and turned all night after my talk with Calum. My stomach turns everytime I think of what Calum told me Alex wrote about me. It totally wasn't cool for him to invade her privacy but I was so desperate to know what she said. I get goosebumps even knowing she thinks of me sexually, because I never would have thought that. I miss feeling close to her and I think that's what I'm craving the most; to just lay with her and be in her presence. After finding out about her accident, I wanted so bad to hug her and never let go. But I couldn't. I felt so hurt that after all this time, I didn't know a thing. I guess I did a bad job as a best friend not ever suspecting a thing as well. But it was still unfair for her to not tell me anything.

I want to see her so bad. I don't really know what the right thing is to do. I want to hear her out but I also just want to let this all go and move on. I've already promised myself that I'll be a better best friend to her. I know some things were out of my control, but I should've called or texted her more while I was away. I don't want this distance between us. It's all we've become used to for the past ten months and I don't want that when I have the chance to be with her. I'm not really thinking straight and I wanna have my head together before I decide to go talk to her. I grab my phone and open a new message to text her. I nervously start to type and I have to keep erasing it. I have no idea what I want to do.

Without thinking, I put on my usual black skinny jeans, my red flannel, and a snapback, and I head to her house. I have no idea what I want to say to her or what I plan to do but I just need to apologize. While I'm in the car, I blast my music to avoid thinking about anything. It always helps and I feel really good right now. "She Wants to Be Me" by Busted comes on and I can't stop smiling. This is Alex's favorite song and it's making me feel sick picturing how she never misses a chance to belt it everytime it comes on.

I can't do this. I take a second to breathe and turn around to head back home.