Fix You

XXXVIII.

Alex's POV

I feel pretty good after the weekend at Michael's parents' home, despite the fact that I now know that Calum has read my journal and I haven't heard from him since. My talk with Ash really made me realize that maybe I'm not as okay as I think I am. I don't want to feel like that anymore. I want to be completely okay. And I want to be able to feel okay on my own. I don't want to feel like I need Michael to be around just to feel any sort of happiness. It's not fair to put that kind of pressure on him. He already has a lot to worry about and I don't want to stress him out even more. He's always been right though. I hate admitting it but it's true. I should have other friends and do things to keep myself feeling good. And I have to be strong. I just have to be. I hate that I'm just now realizing it. I've wasted so much time of my life being sad and I want it to just stop. I know that I think I'm weaker than I actually am and that's something I need to shake. Thankfully, my class is almost over and the weather is actually nice today, so I'm trying to distract myself from my own thoughts. I have eight days left until the lads leave again and I'm so stressed about school and work getting in the way of that. On top of that, Michael's birthday is in a few days and I still have yet to get him a gift. Luckily, I have a few hours before work tonight to buy him something nice.

On my way to my car, a familiar figure immediately catches my attention; black skinnies, a gray beanie, and black Ray Ban sunnies. "Cal, what are you doing here?" I ask, clutching my bag under my arm. He has his hands in his pockets and I can tell he's nervous. "I was wondering if you wanted to go to lunch so we could talk," he says to a near whisper and his offer makes me smile. "Yeah, of course." I lean in to hug him to ease the tension and he squeezes my waist. "I'm really sorry, Alex." I don't feel as upset with him as I should be, but I'm glad he's apologizing. "Let's go eat," I say and we both head to a small sandwich shop by the beach.

Calum orders a green tea and I get my usual water before he starts in on the conversation. "Okay so the lads told me I was a total prick the other night and I just wanted to say sorry," he says fixing the beanie on his head and I know his apology is sincere. "It's okay, really," I manage to add in before he interrupts me to continue. "Michael told me about how down you got when we left and I'm such an ass for getting drunk and treating you that way. I'm an even bigger ass for reading your personal stuff," he rambles on trying not to draw attention. "How come you read my journal?" I ask, taking a sip from my water. He cheekily laughs and I can't help but smile. "I guess I was dying to know if there was any possible way you felt the same way about Michael as he feels about you. I feel bad for reading it, but it was really hot. I was just looking for something to see my best mate happy again," Calum calling my journal 'hot' makes me blush and I try to play it cool. But why did he say he wanted Michael to be happy again? The waitress brings out our food and I continue. "What do you mean by 'happy again'?" I ask, starting to lose my appetite. Calum looks uncomfortable setting down his sandwich and wiping his mouth. "Please don't tell him I told you this but Michael would get wasted a lot on the road. I always knew what was bothering him but he'd try to act like nothing was even wrong. The night we skyped you after the show in Miami, he spent the whole night throwing up over how much he missed you. I've never seen my best mate down like that. I had to cover for him a lot and I really tried to help him. He would just keep to himself alot or he would get drunk and that's when he'd spill the truth." My stomach is turning at the thought of Michael getting sick over me and I hate knowing he missed me as much as I missed him. It's currently hard for me to swallow and I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. It doesn't surprise me that Michael wouldn't tell me any of this. "I'm not telling you this to upset you but I was seriously worried about him a lot. And I could never say anything to Luke or Ash because he didn't want me to. I'm sorry if me reading your journal was overstepping, I just really want you guys to be together. Sorry if that's awkward," he laughs a bit and I smile along, shaking my head. I feel like breaking down into tears in the middle of this restaurant. My stomach still feels uneasy thinking about Michael. I've been so selfish, only concerned with how much him being away killed me that I never took a second to ask him how things were for him, even though he's subtly tried to tell me. I didn't realize it took such a huge toll on him as well and that literally kills me. "I love him a lot, Calum. I wish I could always be there to make him happy." I say as Calum takes the final bite into his sandwich. "We're his best friends, Alex and I care about him a lot. He's a great friend, but you were here before I was. You mean more to him than you'll ever know." My eyes start to water as Calum gets up from his seat to hug me. "No, don't cry. I'm so sorry I even said anything," he rubs my arms to comfort me. I wipe my tears with a napkin trying not to ruin my makeup. "I'm so glad you did Calum. Thank you for always looking out for him, even if it means you invade my privacy," I say with a laugh. A few fans grab Calum's attention and I sweetly smile at them while they very pictures with him. My phone vibrates on the table and it's a text from Michael. It's almost like he knew Calum and I were talking about him.

Michael: Ash is dragging me to the gym :( but I miss you so much x

I haven't heard from Michael all morning so his text makes me smile. I look up at Calum returned to the table to see him smiling at me. "What?" I ask, smiling ear to ear. "Oh nothing," he says and I quickly change the subject. "I actually need your help in getting Michael a birthday present," I admit, sipping my water. "He doesn't tell anyone what he wants. We're trying to get him to go out but he keeps being a dick about it," Cal explains and I laugh. "That's unlike him to not want to go out for some drinks," I chuckle and Calum adds in, "He said the other day he doesn't care to drink anymore. I have no idea why, but me and the lads definitely want to take him out," the waitress interrupts us by placing the check on the table. I reach for my wallet and Calum throws a rolled up straw wrapper at me. "Hey, what was that for?" He laughs placing his card in the check book. "Put your money away!" He teases and I roll my eyes. "Calum, let me pay my half please," I oblige and he quickly hands the waitress the check, with a devious smile. "Look at it as my apology for reading your diary and being a dick when I was drunk." I have no choice but to deal with his kind gesture even though I hate it.

We leave the restaurant and Calum hugs me as we walk to my car. "If you wanna get Michael a birthday gift, just spend time with him. You're honestly enough to make him happy. You don't have to get him anything!" I squeeze Calum and he kisses my hair. "I'll probably be over tonight after work, thanks for taking me to lunch, Cal," I say unlocking my car and opening the door. "It was a pleasure, love you." He cheekily waves me off and I take a minute to reflect on everything Calum just shared with me.

All I want to do right now is cuddle Michael and tell him how much I love him. I want to kiss his cute face and listen to him talk my ears off. But unfortunately I have to work and the only thing motivating me to go is the fact that I'll see Michael later on. Michael, Michael, Michael. He is my every thought. I'm not used to this feeling but I love the way he makes me feel. I look back to the text he sent me during lunch and I probably look like an idiot blushing at my phone in my car but I finally take the time to reply.

Me: Haha aw baby :-( I'll come by tonight. I love you to the moon and back xx