Fix You

XLIV.

Alex's POV

My heart hasn't stopped hurting for the short amount of time we've been driving. I'm waiting for Michael to fill me in on what's been going on but he hasn't said a word. He has All Time Low blasted on the stereo and he keeps carressing my thigh with his free hand. He looks physically broken and I wish there was some way I could put the pieces together but he hasn't told me anything. I feel helpless. He looks over at me and smirks. "Nice choice not wearing a bra with my jumper, by the way," he jokes and I play along. "Oh, you like that, don't you?" I tease and he grins back at me. I lay my head back on the seat and turn the stereo down. "Is there anything you maybe wanna talk about?" I cautiously say and he shrugs me off. "No, not really," he replies turning the music back up. "Michael, talk to me please. What happened to no more secrets between us?" He pretends to not hear me and I'm trying really hard not to just give in. "Well?" The car is silent and Michael turns the music back up. I pause the music and yank the cord from the radio. "Michael, can you fucking talk to me. Why are you being such a prick?" I run my hands through my hair out of frustration and Michael chuckles. "It's so fucking hot when you swear at me." He says and I think back to last night when he said the exact same thing to avoid confrontation. I cross my arms and try to ignore him. "Ugh, you're so annoying," I see him glimpse over at me through my pariphoroles and he laughs. I don't bother giving him eye contact because I feel so irritated and he sighs realizing he's being ignored. "Alex, did I - did I use a condom last night?" is the first thing he says and I crack a smile. "No. Well actually, you busted on my stomach," I laugh and he sighs again. "No fucking way. I'm so sorry, babe." He grabs onto my hand and I know he's worried but I didn't mind. "No worries, it was kinda hot," I admit and he cocks his eyebrow. "Thats way embarrassing, actually. I promise that won't happen again," I'm not used to Michael feeling embarrassed so it's kind of cute to see. His face is turning red and I can't help how adorable it is. "Michael, I said it was hot so shut up," he laughs and I roll down the window a bit.

"Did you drink at all last night?" He asks and I nod. I'm beginning to think he doesn't remember much from last night. "I'm so sorry, I hardly remember. I didn't even want to drink as much as I did. I was just in a shitty mood all day," he keeps nervously fondling with my hand. "Michael, it was your birthday. And you definitely don't have to apologize to me for drinking." I kinda wish he remembered more of us being intimate but it doesn't seem like he does. Last night felt really special to me for some reason and I loved being in that hotel room with drunk, clingy Michael. Even in his state, he was so passionate and I constantly crave that kind of closeness with him. The thoughts alone send chills down my spine. When I was riding him, he admitted to being obsessed with me and I haven't stopped thinking about the way sparks went off inside my stomach when he said that. I wish I could be up front and admit that I'm utterly obsessed with as well. I have no idea how or when this all happened but I'm completely hooked. "Can you tell me why you were in a shitty mood?" I grab onto his free arm and lean onto him as he drives. His scent captivates me and he has no idea what he does to me. He takes an exaggerated breath and finally opens up. "My dad took jabs at you yesterday and I just got so fucking pissed off. I swear he does the shit on purpose. It's almost as if he wanted to ruin my birthday," he kisses my forehead and my heart starts to ache. It makes me feel awful knowing how horrible Dave treats Michael and I just wish he'd appreciate having him around more. It's his only son for heaven's sake. "For whatever reason, he's a professional at getting under your skin, but you have to just let it go. It worries me that you use alcohol to solve your problems, Michael. I mean, I'm not one to talk but I don't want that for you," Michael clenches the wheel and I can tell he's set off. "I do not fucking do that! It just takes the edge off a bit, it's not like I have a drinking problem, Alex." He raises his voice and I already know a fight is about to spur. "Are you going off of what fucking Calum told you cause he probably overexaggerated, Alex." I roll my eyes and the asshole Michael from last night is currently present. "I didn't say anything about Calum,. . ." I spit and he interrupts me. "Oh please, Alex. I know he ran and told you everything about how pathetic I was. And I know about your little date together." It's upsetting me how angry he's making me and I'm not used to him lashing out on me. "Michael, stop. It was nothing like that! He was just worried about you. Why are you acting like such an asshole?" I yell and I immediately feel for terrible fighting with him. "Cause I'm fucking pissed off, Alex!" He yells at me and my stomach drops. We both stay silent and I'm genuinely surprised because he's never lashed out at me like this before. "Pull over, Michael. Please." I beg and he stops on the side of the road and angrily pulls the keys from the ignition. We sit in silence for a few minutes as loads of cars pass us and the sound of Michael's heavy breaths fill the car. "Sorry," he says under his breath and I remove my seat belt. There's some distance between us and I have no clue what to do or say. "I wasn't trying to make you mad," I say and he shouts over me. "Ugh, I know. I'm sorry for yelling at you, it's just. . .my dad, he - he practically blamed me for you being suicidal," he admits and my chest starts to hurt. I instantly recall last when he asked if he was the reason I cut myself. I look down at my wrist and wish I never decided to take bracelets off. "I can't live with that idea, Alex. It terrifies me, ya know the possibility that you could be dead right now. It makes me never want to leave again." I was going strong until Michael's words take a blow to my chest and I start to cry. "Michael, you have to know that was never the case. You're the only reason I ever kept holding on. I love you so much,. . ." I whine choking on my tears. Ugh, I hate crying so much. I always feel so weak afterwards. Michael removes his seatbelt and pulls me to his chest. His grip on my head is tight as I sob into his shirt. "Fuck, I love you, too. I wish I could always protect you. I'm sorry, I'm such an asshole." I hate how easily he bashes himself. I wish I could make him see just how amazing he really is. "You're not so shut up," I say and he grins down at me, kissing me. "Mikey, last night you also kept apologizing to me for leaving. I'm not angry with you, ya know? About you leaving." I confess and he runs his hands through his hair. It distracts me a bit and I begin to forget what I was saying. "I'm so proud of you for getting the hell out of here and making something of yourself, Michael. You know I'm your biggest fan, I always have been." He starts to blush and I wipe the wetness from my eyes. "Shit, that was really cute, Alex." I smile and he turns the car back on to continue the drive while we talk.

Michael's POV

We've only been on the road for around a half an hour and Alex is already making me feel a lot better. I don't mean to explode on her but I'm so angry with myself. I don't want to take it out on anyone, especially Alex. She really is my best friend before anything and she deserves better than how I've been acting lately. She can be so annoying sometimes but she's still so damn cute. I guess I'm a bit of a hyprocrite for hiding so much from her. I grab ahold of her hand and kiss it. "I was only trying not to drink because I wanted to be considerate of you but we see I couldn't handle that. What else did I say last night?" I laugh and she lays her head on my arm and fondles with the multiple bracelets on my wrist. "You asked me to come on tour with you. . ." I laugh and her facial expression looks serious. "Wait, seriously?" I ask and she nods. I ponder for a second and nervously start to play with my hair. "Well, what did you say to that?" I can't believe I even had the nerve to ask her that. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm seriously so selfish. "I said I would, Michael." My stomach is starting to hurt. I'm such an embarrassing drunk person. I always say shit I don't mean and never know how to deal with myself afterwards. I wait for her to laugh but she's sitting there with a small grin. She can't be serious. "No, Alex. I could never do that to you. You'd be putting your whole life on hold for me," I confess and she shifts in her seat. "So now you're saying you don't want me to go? I don't care, Mikey. I want to be with you," she says and a few rain drops start to hit the windows of Alex's car. I can feel my heart physically melting at the thought of her actually coming with us but I'm just not sure if I could ever make her do that just for my sake. "Alex, I was drunk. I clearly wasn't thinking straight. I absolutely cannot do that to you." She crosses her arms and the car gets quiet. "Stop worrying about me all the time, Michael. If I say I want to go with you, I mean it." I'm so frustrated with how much I love her but I can't control it. In a way, I'm seriously taken back at how willing she is to throw away her whole life just for me. It makes my heart race, actually. Shit. But when I start to think about it, that's what she's always done; made everything about me. My feelings always come first in her eyes which is why I never knew about her depression or self harming. As long as I was happy and clueless, everything was okay to her. I'm beginning to see that she'd put herself through hell just to see me happy and I can't argue that because I'd do the same for her. I'm supposed to be her best friend and I just can't let her do that anymore. I'd love nothing more than to get off stage each night and be able to kiss her. Or to squeeze in a tiny bus bunk with her and have her share this awesome journey with me. Deep down, I really want it but I want her to finally live life for herself even more. It feels like a neccessary time to mention that I'll be gone for a year and a half with no promises to any breaks that I'll have. But I physically can't form the words. Fuck, I'm not even sure what I want. "I'll think about it, okay?" I reassure her and she nods at me and turns the stereo back up. I hear her huff and she reaches into the backseat to start rummaging through her bag. "What the hell are you doing?" I ask with her ass by my face and I'm instantly distracted. She sits back in the seat, nonchalantly removes my jumper, and I swear I almost swerve off the road. "It's hot, I needed a lighter top," she nuzzles my sweater to her chest after changing into a tank that her nipples are clearly visible through. "Alexandra, you can't just take your tits out while I'm driving, you know I'll get hard immediately." I complain and she laughs. "What about if I do this? And don't call me, Alexandra." She reaches over and palms my dick over my jeans. My body tenses up and I can feel a painful boner forming. "Babe, not while I'm driving," I plead and she stops. "If you're horny, I can pull over and fuck you in the backseat," I say and she starts to laugh. "Michael!" She hits me and I'm having a hard time ignoring this boner she caused. "You just look really good today," she confesses and I admire my baggy flannel and ripped jeans. "I look like shit but thank you baby," I smile and she turns up the music. She sings loudly to the Busted record blaring throughout the car and I love seeing how happy she is. I get completely wrapped up in my thoughts reflecting back on all that has happened between us and what the future holds. Everything else is blurred and all I see is her, which is making it extremely difficult for me to keep my focus on the road.