Fix You

XVI.

Alex's POV

"Whoa, that was a close one!" Michael laughs and I'm completely shaken up. The lights from the truck that blinded us are imprinted in my mind and I'm ready to have an anxiety attack. There's no way of hiding it. I'm freaking out and I can't seem to breathe. "Pull over Michael." I demand in a frightened tone. "What? Why?" He clearly can't see the worry on my face when I'm shaking right beside him. "PULL OVER PLEASE!" My whole body is cold and hot tears are falling down my face. I feel horrible for yelling at him, but he stops the car and gives me a sympathetic look. He parks the car on the side of the road and I reach over to hug him tight. So tight. "Alex, what's wrong?" I can't stop shaking and it's making me cry more. "Please just don't let go. Please." I beg. He pulls me onto his lap to make the hug more comfortable. I bury my head into his shoulder, trying to catch my breath. "What is going on? Why are you so upset?" He asks and my heart is racing. "That-the truck. . . It just terrified me. What if something happened to you?" I mumble, choking on my tears. He hasn't stopped petting my hair and I wish I could stay in his arms forever. "Babe, nothing happened, okay? We're gonna be okay. I'm not going anywhere." His words literally tear my heart in two. I want nothing more than to passionately kiss him right now. But I can't. I look into his eyes and he wipes the tears from my face. The only sound in the car is my sniffling. I keep playing over in my head what I'd do if that truck had hit us and something happened to either one of us. I would hope that if something did happen, I'd be the one to go and Michael would stay alive. I suddenly feel like all of the progress I've made over the past couple of months has brought me right back to square one, right in this very moment.

Michael and I sat in the car for ten minutes just hugging one another. I could sense the sexual tension as I sat on his lap but I just needed to be close to him. I feel completely shattered and being in his embrace always fixes that. I'm still shaken and I feel so nauseous. I'm trying to take advantage of every bit of his company while I actually have him here.

Not a day has gone by where I haven't felt terrible about all the lies I've told. I just can't bring myself to admit the truth. I'm terrified that he'll hate me and it makes me feel even worse. The thought of that car harming Michael in any way sends a sharp feeling in my heart. Along with the mess I've made as well.

He quickly runs into the store to grab the brownie mixes for Calum and I'm sat in this car trying to gather my thoughts. Trying to build up the courage of when to tell him the whole truth and just how to do that. I just want to be with him right now. I want him to hug me and never let go. My chest is in so much pain and I feel like I could open the door and puke in this parking lot right now. I've done nothing but lie to him and confuse him since he's been home and soon he's going to leave again. Then I'll be stuck with all of this regret and the cycle will repeat itself.

I hate myself. I really do. I'm slowly ruining things with the one person who has ever mattered to me.