Fix You

XXIII.

Alex's POV

Today was off to a bad start since I missed class yesterday. I felt terrible about missing my exam so I went to my professor to make it up. Not one part of me feels like I did too hot. I studied for hours yesterday but my head was clearly in other places.

Michael. Michael Gordon Clifford. His beautiful green eyes, his plump red lips, his pale skin, his cute smile. Always in my mind. I refuse to believe I'm in love. Why do I think this is so wrong when I secretly love the feeling? I guess I feel hopeless about it. I got distracted whilst studying and wrote down how badly I wanted Michael yesterday morning. Writing down my feelings for him really helps. It helps clear my head and get my frustrations out.

How exactly do you tell your best friend of eight years that you feel like you're in love with him and want to have him all to yourself? I haven't even been a good friend to him, what makes me think I could ever be a good girlfriend to him? I doodle the word 'IDIOT' onto the front of my journal of Michael thoughts and focus on doing some yoga. I'm seriously always one big ball of stress and no matter what I do, it never goes away. And I'm only making it harder on myself.

I put on some music and start on my cardio. I feel ridiculous doing squats in the middle of my room but I don't need my parents asking why I'm pushing myself so much. I'm beginning to stretch when I see Calum pop up in the hallway. I must look so embarrassing. "Hey cutie. What are you doing here?" I say, wiping the sweat from my forehead. "Oh, my mum wanted to stop by to see your parents. So I figured I'd come up and say hi." I'm breathing really hard and my legs are ready to collapse. "Awe, I wish I was dressed better. If I had known you guys were coming, I would have prepared." Calum chuckles rubbing his arm muscles. I'm really lucky to have such beautiful best friends. "Oh we're just stopping by, but I think you look fine." I touch down my arm and realize my bracelets are gone so I jump from my bed and grab clothes to shower, avoiding Calum staring at me for too long. "I'm gonna go shower. I'd say it was nice to see you but it wasn't." I sarcastically respond and he laughs, hugging me before I leave my room.

Calum's POV

I knew my mum would sit and talk to Alex's mum, Diane for longer than the five minutes she promised, so luckily Alex is home. I walk into her room and see her in a sports bra and spandex pants stretching. She looks so fit and I kinda want to know if what Luke and Ash said was true. It's really not my place but nobody wants Alex and Mikey to be together more than me. He's always knocking himself about it but he's so good to her and I'm dying to know if there's any mutual feelings. Before I can even bring it up, she's persistent on showering so I don't bother. She leaves her room and I can hear our mums still laughing downstairs. I walk over to her desk and see a small pile of magazines with me and the lads on the front. It's so wicked seeing that she bought them. Next to them is a notebook with 'IDIOT' scribbled on the front. I don't wanna look but I can't help being nosey.

"I feel so pathetic filling this notebook with my dirty thoughts but I have no other way to vent about my frustrations. I have no one to talk to and I can't tell Dr. Shelby about this. Michael has been turning me on so fucking much lately and I feel so wrong for feeling like this. I'm not used to anyone turning me on in the first place so figures it has to be my best friend driving me crazy. But it really is all my fault. The night I kissed him, this fire was lit inside of me. I don't know what came over me but giving him head was the hottest thing I've ever done. Not one detail from that night has left my mind and I loved making him moan the way he did.  Michael seriously does nothing and my body gets covered in goosebumps. I constantly wonder how good he is with his tongue and what his dick feels like buried inside me. . ."

"CALUM!" I hear my mum yell up to me and I'm starting to feel a bit weird. My jeans feel a little tighter from reading Alex's hot fantasies but I feel really guilty for invading her privacy. Alex really isn't as innocent as we all thought, goddamn. Why didn't Michael tell me she sucked him off? Or that they even kissed? And who is Dr. Shelby? This is what I get for being nosey. I position the notebook back on her desk and hurry out of her room. I don't know if I should tell Michael or not. No, definitely not. Shit, I really shouldn't have read that.