Fix You

XXXVII.

Alex's POV

My heart is about to fall out of my chest. This is how my life always works. The minute everything goes well, it all falls apart again. I'm so upset and I can't help but feel like all the boys are laughing at me. Michael chased me up the stairs and I really just want him to go away. "Alex, please let me explain," he says clearly seeing how pissed off I am. "Please go away, Michael," I shout whilst throwing a pillow at him but he doesn't budge. "No, please let me explain." He begs and I'm getting so frustrated. Of course, typical Michael not giving up that easy. All I want to do is cry. "Why do you guys know about my journal, Michael!? Did you all just fucking read it to make fun of me!?" I shout at him as I begin collecting my things from his room. "You know we would never do that," he says and I can't stop the hot tears from falling. "Oh, so is that why Calum told me you were a virgin. . ." I don't want to believe any of what I'm saying but I have no clue what to assume. "What? What are you talking about?" He genuinely looks confused but I'm so angry and I can't calm down. "Did he tell me you were a virgin just so I'd feel sorry for you and let you have sex with me?" I hate the sound of my own voice but my heart is doing all of the talking. "So, you felt sorry for me? That's the only reason you did it?" He says and there's a burning in my chest. "No, of course not. Ugh, just stop Michael. Stop." I yell because this is all so frustrating. I head for the door pushing him out of my way. "No, you stop Alex! I'm trying to explain, I -" I cut him off before things get worse. "I'm going for a jog to clear my head. I don't want to talk about this anymore," he grabs my arm and I don't even want to look at him. "No, we need to talk, please don't leave," he begs again and my anger takes over. "Just leave me alone," I head outside, slamming the front door.

It's dark out and going for a jog wasn't the brightest idea but I just needed to get away. Luckily the weather feels amazing and it doesn't take me long before I reach the end of the street and break down to cry. I know I shouldn't have blown up on Michael like that but I have every right to feel upset. It hurts to know the boys have read my private things without my permission and were making a joke of it. Even if Calum did have the worst intentions of telling me that Michael is a virgin just so I'd have sex with him, it doesn't matter. I don't regret losing my virginity to him in the slightest.  I hate fighting with Michael especially after the amazing day we had together. The fresh air is helping me breathe for a bit and I take a second to clear my head. As I lay on this patch of grass taking in the night sky, I hear the sound of footsteps approaching me. I sit up and see Ashton standing over me.

"Ash, what are you doing here?" I say hugging my knees and he reaches his hand out to help me up. "I'm here to make sure you're okay. Let's go for a walk," he says and I wipe the dirt from my legs. "Did Michael send you to find me?" I ask annoyed, but deep down I want him to tell me that he did. "Actually, no. We haven't really hung out much so I - okay, yeah he told me to make sure you were safe," I don't know what to say so I just stay quiet. "I just want you to know, I haven't read your diary or whatever. And Calum's just being a huge dick because he's wasted," Ash tells me and I'm trying to be understanding. "I know but it still hurts to have my privacy invaded. I just feel bad for blowing up at Michael. I don't know what's wrong with me, Ash." His eyes are immediately directed to my exposed wrists and he grabs at them with his large hands. "Alex, what is all this?" His gorgeous hazel eyes glare into mine and I can't form words. My eyes are tired of crying and there's a huge lump in my throat. "I was pretty down when you guys left so I took it out on myself. I haven't tried in awhile so please please don't worry," Ash is running his thumbs over the scars and it feels strange to have my arms exposed for once. "So if you're getting better, does that mean you're not sad anymore?" He asks and I don't really know how to answer. I'm trying so hard to always feel happy but something always gets in the way. Having the boys home has been a breath of fresh air but I've nearly cried everyday since. "I really don't know," I say and Ashton pulls me in to hug him before I start crying again. His cologne smells amazing and I'm so glad he's here with me. He wipes my wet eyes with the sleeve of his shirt and grabs my chin, glaring into my eyes.

Whoa. Looking into Ashton's eyes, all I can think about is Michael. My heart sinks at the thought of his eyes glaring into mine while we passionately kissed. FUCK. When did I let him have so much control over me? My face is dangerously close to Ashton's and I know we're friends but this feels wrong. "I just want you to know that we really missed you heaps and none of us boys would ever make fun of you or laugh at you. So please don't think that," I pull away from Ashton's face and I try to give him a reassuring smile. "I know that, I do. I'm just really insecure and it freaked me out. Ugh, I feel terrible for screaming at Michael." I say and he hugs me tighter. "Mikey will definitely forgive you. Just let him explain himself. I just found out about this diary like a half hour ago, so I don't know who's read it and who hasn't," he tells me and I feel really embarrassed. I know things are out in the open now with Michael but I still deserve my privacy. And I wrote some pretty dirty things about him. "Are you okay to go back now? You're not going to punch anyone, are you?" He jokes and I laugh, reassuring him that I won't. "Hop on then," Ashton tells me to hop on his back and we head back to Michael's parents' house.

It's only been almost an hour and I already miss being around Michael. But after talking with Ash, I feel a huge weight lifted. Ashton and I go into the house and Luke is waiting at the door for us. He immediately hugs me really tight. "Please don't hate us," he says and I laugh squeezing his wide torso. The love I get from these boys is amazing. I feel so lucky to have amazing best friends. "I don't. I just don't know what's going on. Where's Michael?" I ask and Luke points to the staircase. "Up in his room where you left him. I tried to talk to him but he told me to leave him alone," I feel horrible for snapping at Michael and it's all I've been thinking about since I did it. I head up into his room and I hear music playing. The room is dark and the light from the hallway hits a shirtless Michael and he's facing the wall, admiring the brackets that are supposed to be on my wrists. Green Day's playing on his stereo and some of his stuff is knocked over.  "Leave me alone, Luke," he demands turning around to face me.

"Oh, you're back," he says sitting up and god does he look amazing. His pale skin takes my breath away and I'm dying just to kiss him all over. I sit next to him on the bed and lean in to hug him. "I'm really sorry. This is so stupid," I say into his shoulder and he squeezes me tight. "I'm sorry too," he responds back and continues. "I haven't read your journal, please know that. And Calum is a dick for bringing it up. He was the one who told me about it, I promise." Michael rambles and I can't help but think how cute he is trying to explain himself. "So, he read it? When?" I ask, as Michael leans into grab my hand. "I guess when he stopped by with his mum but he told me he didn't read much. He just told me it was dirty thoughts about me," I feel really embarrassed even though I shouldn't. But I guess it's my own fault for leaving it around. "Wow, what a dick," I say referring to Calum. "Yeah he is, but he's the only person I've ever told about my feelings for you, so I guess that was his way of making sure you felt the same way back. And it seems you do," he laughs trying to lighten the mood and I feel really foolish for blowing things out of proportion. "So, when he told me you were a virgin, was that the truth? Or did he just say that?" Michael blushes and starts to nervously play with my fingers. "I don't know how that came up, but it was the truth. It was hard for me being on the road but I always just wanted you. I didn't expect that to happen but I always kinda hoped it would. And ykuyou have no fucking idea how happy I am that it did," my stomach feels like a spark has been lit now knowing I took Michael's virginity. But he was so gentle and incredible in every way that I would've thought he had some experience. Goosebumps rise on my skin thinking about how sexual of a person he is. I can't stop smiling like an idiot. "Stop laughing at me," Michael laughs and I lean in to kiss him. "I'm not, I'm just happy. I love you so much, Michael," he smirks and pecks my lips repeatedly. "And I love you, Alexandra." His lips make me weak and he seems cranky and I just want to sit and cuddle him all night. "I'm sorry for being such a bitch to you," I apologize, kissing his nose and he roughly pulls me to his chest. "And I'm sorry for turning you on so much that you write dirty things about me. I can't help it, ya know." I immediately look up at him and his laugh forces me to smile. "Ugh, shut the fuck up," I playfully say into the kiss.

As we both sit in the dark, sitting Indian style, facing one another on the bed, I can't get over just how obsessed I am with this boy. My mind is blurred to how any of this happened but I've fallen so deep. "I still don't feel too well, I think I'm gonna sleep. You guys can hang," I say nestling my head into his chest. "You sure? I'll lay with you till you go to bed. Then I'll go kick Calum's ass," Michael says pulling back the covers and I change into comfortable sweatpants and a white V neck. Michael shuts off his music and pulls a band tank over his chest. My eyes feel heavy as he runs his fingers through my hair and I slowly drift into sleep.