Fix You

XXVII.

Michael's POV

I haven't spoken to Alex in five days. Five long days. I don't want to admit that I miss her already but I do. I obviously still love her, I'm just so angry with her. I felt terrible for storming out of her house the way I did but too much was sprung on me. I didn't know how to handle it or even wrap my head around any part of it. I still don't.

Alex has always had emotional issues but never this severe. She was always teased as a kid because she liked drawing and always behaved well. I guess that's how I came along. Alex and I have always been so much alike, sometimes it's scary. But we wouldn't ever be close if it weren't for me showing interest in her. I guess I was the only person who ever really showed interest in her. There's something so special about her. She's the most insecure person yet she has the ability to light up any room she walks into. It's something that I will never understand. I've always known about her insecurities but I've fallen in love with every single flaw. She's terrified that no one will ever like her and I  wish she realized just how amazing she is. I have to admit, it made me feel sick when she told me she hasn't bothered making other friends.

The last thing I want is for her to revolve her whole life around me. I just can't let her do that. I want her to have people to lean on when I'm away and that can manage to keep her happy. I never expected any of this. I'm stuck on the thought that she could be dead right now.  And here I am, busy being mad at her instead of cherishing the time I have with her before I have to leave again. I feel so angry at how much she lied to me and the extent she went to hide all of this from me; but I'm having trouble fighting the urge to go see her and let all of this go. My head is a mess when it comes to her. I'm always fighting with myself and I need to vent to someone. The only other person who I can go to about anything other than Alex, is Calum.

Calum's POV

"Mate, do you have a minute? I kinda need someone to talk to." Michael says walking into our shared bedroom. I set my phone down and give him my full attention. "Yeah, of course. What's going on?" I close the door and I can tell Mikey is nervous. He's pacing around the room fiddling with his hands and it makes me feel uneasy. "It's Alex. We haven't talked since that night at her house. She, uh - she told me that she started cutting while we were gone." I feel really concerned and think back to when my sister mentioned an accident. Did Alex try to kill herself? I seriously hope not. "Wait seriously? How come?" I don't really believe it so I have no idea what to say. Michael continues, "I guess she got really down when we left, which I understand. But, she told me that she got drunk one night at my old house and decided to drive. . ." My stomach hurts at how Michael must feel. I feel awful myself thinking of Alex in any harm. "So, she tried to hurt herself?" The thought actually makes me cringe. I never saw this coming. "She said she wasnt trying but she was pretty messed up. . .I don't know what to do. She lied about everything. I guess she takes anti depressants and has a therapist now. I knew nothing." He sighs and it's difficult for him to talk about it, I can tell. I've seen Mikey cry a few times and it's all been mainly over Alex. This time it feels different, he looks legitimately hurt. I'm at a loss for words. "That's so horrible, mate. So, that must be who Dr. Shelby is." Fuck. Why would that be the first thing that I say? I'm so fucking dumb. He glares at me with confusion. "Why do you know that? Did you know about all of this?" Shit. I was not expecting him to think that. I feel even worse. I guess I have no choice but to confess now.

"Whoa, no Mikey. I had no idea about Alex's accident. You know if I knew, I'd tell you." He's quick to assume stuff and get angry so I'm hoping he hears me out. "But there actually is something I have to tell you." He lays on his bed and I can feel myself being nervous for no reason. "What's going on, Calum?" His voice was so low so I don't know what he's expecting. "Okay so, don't be mad, but the only reason I knew about Alex's therapist is because I - I read her journal." I'm expecting him to throw something at me or get pissed, but he doesnt. He sits up expecting me to continue. "Okay, and what did it say?" I try not to smirk seeing that Michael is desperate. I didn't think he would even believe me. "Well, and I swear I'm not lying dude, but she fucking wants you man." The mood in the room is slightly changed as Michael grins at my word choice. I can tell he's trying to be mad but he just can't. "What does that even mean?" He asks and I don't know if I should even go into details. But of course, I do anyway. "I forget how exactly she worded it, but she wrote saying she wonders what your tongue feels like or what you feel like buried inside her." I have to laugh because suddenly Michael's face is lit up. "You're such a fucking prick. That's why you pushed me to get my tongue pierced." He's also quick to catch on to things. I'm not ashamed, I just want to see Michael happy but with her. "I'm the prick? You're the one who didn't tell me she gave you head." I laugh hysterically and I'd be lying if I said I didn't want him to tell me all the details. "Why do you know about that?" I nod, "She wrote about it, that's how I had to find out. How was she? If that's not totally rude to ask." I don't need Michael kicking my ass. "None of your fucking business. What else did she say in it?" Michael tries to act so conservative about his sex life but I know he wants to talk about it so that's why I ask. He isn't fooling me at all. "I don't remember much. She likes your moan and you make her wet, I don't know." I'm actually having a hard time remembering exactly what she said but I can tell that Michael loves what he's hearing. "I'm sorry that this had to come out after everything you just told me. I just didn't want you thinking bad of me." I explain to Michael and he looks puzzled. I can tell he's really torn with what to do about Alex.

"I can bet she's not proud of being suicidal or depressed, Mikey. Or the fact that she lied about it. But maybe hear her out and let her explain herself. It must not have been easy for her to deal with us up and leaving her by herself. She's always just had us and then we left, she probably felt like she had nothing. I know things got hard for you on tour, but at least you had us lads. She really was stuck here alone." It's actually making me feel horrible knowing that Alex felt so down about herself after we left. She's always been like a sister to me and I would never want something terrible to happen to her. I understand both sides but I really want Michael to fix things with her. It'll kill both of them if they stop being friends and it'll only make things worse for Alex if he leaves for good. He hasn't said a word and the awkward silence is making me nervous. "I was such a dick to her, dude. I feel so bad about it. I really don't know what to do."  "She loves you, dude. She probably just lost sight of everything and forgot who she was. She would've done anything to have you back, I know that for sure. She needs you and I know you need her." Michael is fighting back tears and it's clearly evident. "Thanks, man," is all he says and I feel really glad to help him. He's always been such a good friend to me and I know how much that girl means to him. I'm just also really glad he didn't kick my ass over reading Alex's journal.

"Just outta curiousity, what drove you to read Alex's journal?" He asks me after hugging me and changing into his sweatpants. "I actually don't know, it said IDIOT scribbled on the front and kinda attracted my attention." He messes with his fringe and chuckles to himself. "I guess we're both idiots."