Fix You

XXXIV.

Alex's POV

I woke in the middle of the night to Michael tossing and turning. He kept groaning like he was in pain and it started to scare me. His body was covered in sweat so I tried my best to comfort him, as tired as I was. I don't remember falling asleep but now I'm being woken up by the sound of his voice.

"Babe, I'm gonna run to the store, do you want anything?" I rub my eyes attempting to wake myself up. "Just for you to come back as soon as possible," I smile at Michael and I feel his lips kiss my nose. I have no idea what time it is but I'm ready to start my day. I roll over to grab my phone from the floor. It doesn't turn on so I'm assuming it died overnight. I sit up and start rummaging through my bag in search for my charger. Fuck, of course I forgot it. I see Michael's bag laying on the ground so I'm sure he won't mind if I borrow his charger. I rummage through his bag, removing the clothes as I search for his phone charger when something falls to my feet. I reach down to pick up a box of Trojan Double Ecstasy condoms. My stomach starts to flutter thinking about why Michael would have these. I immediately feel guilty for searching through his bag and I put all his stuff back neatly. I make Michael's bed, brush my teeth, and wash my face before heading downstairs to make coffee. The clock on the microwave says 10:18 AM and I'm struggling to fully wake up. Michael's parents' house is always in tip top shape and everything is so organized. This has been like my second home for the last ten months. But as much as I love having the whole house to myself right now, it gives me a cold feeling.

I hate remembering the night I stupidly decided to drive after consuming too much alcohol. It's something I live with every single day and I'm in no way proud of my actions. I've come to realize that I not only hurt myself, but so many people around me. Neither one of Michael's parents were ever upset with the fact that I crossed a line I shouldn't have by breaking into their alcohol cabinet. I was terrified that I completely ruined my relationship with them and I would always wait for them to lash out at me.  One night I sat down with Karen and she confessed just how scared it made her to know I was hurting all the time. It killed me to know just how much I was hurting everyone around me and that's why I was so desperate for Michael to never know. I expected him to find out eventually and I feel awful knowing I begged his own parents to lie to him. I'm ashamed looking back at how awful I acted and every good feeling I've felt the past couple of days has vanished. I'm supposed to be okay. I'm supposed to be better. I'm trying so hard not to be weak. I don't want my horrible past to sit in my mind all day. But the memories are impossible to escape. I head over to the coffee pot and look at the kitten calendar hanging on the side of the fridge. It makes me chuckle a bit until my eyes glare at the 27th which is circled and in Karen's perfect handrwriting, it says 'Boys leave for tour' with a sad face scribbled under it.

I accidentally drop my mug of coffee and it smashes onto the hard tiled floor. It splatters everywhere and I fall to my knees. My body is shaking and I hold my hand to my chest to control my breathing. I start to panic helplessly on the ground. Ten days. The 27th is in ten days. I cave in and start to cry. My gray shirt is now stained as I carefully collect the glass from the floor. I sob into my t shirt trying to wipe the coffee from the floor. I hear the front door slam close and the swinging of grocery bags getting closer to the kitchen. I scramble to wipe my eyes and my sniffling catches Michael's attention.

"Baby, what happened?" I run into his arms as he sets down the bags. I try my hardest not to break down in his arms. I have to be strong, I have to be strong. "I'm sorry, I just broke a glass. It was an accident," he looks into my eyes wiping the wetness and smiling at me. "You don't need to cry, babe. It was just an accident," he says and I start to feel foolish. He tightly grasps my waist and I finally begin to calm down. He pulls my chin towards him to kiss his lips and I fake a smile at him. "I'm gonna go get washed up," I nearly whisper and he kisses my forehead. "Okay, I'll put everything away and finish cleaning up this mess."

I hurry upstairs to the bathroom and turn the shower to the hottest temperature. I remove my coffee stained clothes and climb in. As the water hits my skin, I start to cry. I need to let it all out now and I hope the sound of the water is overpowering my sobs. Why would Michael actually want to date me? How does he not see how much better he is than me? He has beautiful girls falling for him everyday. Beautiful girls that probably love themselves and don't destroy everything around them. Beautiful girls that don't have self harm scars or have suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. I cry harder feeling completely worthless. I was doing so good and the minute Michael leaves, I manage to freak out. Maybe none of this was a good idea.

10 days. 10 fucking days. 240 hours. 14,400 minutes left to spend with him. I have no idea what to do. I don't want him to leave. I wish that I could make him stay. I could never do that. I couldn't handle being away from him last time and this time we're dating. It could be so much worse this time. Why did I fall for him? This all sounds completely crazy. I love Michael so much. He is my light and my everything. He is the only reason I ever feel happy. He is all that is right in the world. But this isn't healthy.

I'm freaking out in the shower and I don't want to dread on this too much longer. I start to think about my mom's smile yesterday and the way my heart felt when Michael asked me to be his girlfriend. I want to feel that way all the time. I've never felt as happy as I do when I kiss Michael or how I've felt waking up to him the past two mornings. I always do this and I don't blame anyone who wants nothing to do with me. This is why I avoid people. I'm always a wreck. I get out of the shower, wrap a towel around my body, and start to comb my hair. My thoughts pan to the condoms, Michael's head between my thighs, the way he called me baby. Why would he want to have sex with me? I'm such a pathetic virgin. This all feels like a sick joke and I open the toilet seat and start to vomit.

Michael rushes into the bathroom in a panic pulling my damp hair away from my face. "Alex, what is going on?" He rubs my back and I can't stop puking. He sounds genuinely worried and I have no clue what lie to tell him next. "I just don't feel too well," I say wiping the puke from the corners of my mouth. He pulls me to him, resting his chin on my head, and continuing to rub my back. "It's okay, baby. I'm here. I'll take care of you."