Finding You

Rest

"You okay?" Brad asks as I wipe my face for the umpteenth time. I want to say no. I mean, really I would like to be able to say anything, except I can't form the words. They stick in my throat and as hard as I try, I cannot force out a sound. Sensing my dilemma, he reaches his hand over and holds mine, squeezing to comfort me while he drives us home.

I take a deep breath and let the tears roll down my face as we go down the road. We'll be home soon and I'll be alone. I'll have to deal with all of this by myself. I'll have to come to terms with the fact that Maya won't be there to greet me. The poor pup. It kills me to think that I left her alone. I got out of bed without her and didn't miss her. I didn't take the time to check on her before getting out of bed.

"It's not your fault, ya know?" He breaks the silence and I let the corner of my mouth rise slightly. He can't see me but he knows that something is wrong. I'm sure that he can tell that I'm not okay.

"Dogs get sick and sometimes they don't tell us for a while. I know you said she was fine last night but sometimes there's no way of really knowing. You have to give yourself a break." Why does he choose me? Out of all the people in this world, people his own age at that, why me? What made me special? I don't deserve him. This is what triggers the tears to keep falling. This is what makes it worse. Knowing that I am subpar compared to him and realizing how much I don't deserve him breaks my heart. It kills me.

He doesn't say anything as he drives down the road. He's trying to get me home as soon as he can and we both know it. He's tried comforting me and now he wants to get rid of me so that I can deal with this. I don't think he's thought of the fact that I don't want to be alone. I don't even want to come to terms with the fact that I have so much to do and I don't think I can mentally get there today. I don't think I can be Natalie today.

He pulls into our community and parks in front of my apartment building. I take my seatbelt off, ripping our hands apart and he grabs both of my hands in his. For a moment, the world is calm. There's just us. I wish it would take away the pain. I wish it would all go away at least for a little while.

"Do you want to come to my house still? You can hang out and I'll do what I can to make you comfortable. You won't be alone." He looks so sad for me. I lick my lips and take a deep breath. I would love to spend the day with him but I have things to do.

"I can't. I need to shower and I have work to try to do." I'm isolating myself. I've done this before. I've been here.

"I'll hang out while you shower and then you can bring your things to mine. We'll work together like we had originally planned." He's not going to give up.

"I really shouldn't. I'm a mess and I'll just ruin your day."

"Hey, don't do that. I want to be there for you. Let me make today a little more tolerable." He kisses my hands gently and I blush. He would make today better.

"Okay." He shuts the car off and we get out of the car. I didn't lock the door or anything. We just left. I open the door to the apartment slowly and wait to hear the signature sound of Maya waiting for me to get home. I never knew how much I would miss that.

"I'll just be on the couch." He sits down and I nod.

"I'll be quick, promise." I walk to the bedroom and grab clothes. I take my shower quickly, avoiding anything that might make me cry, especially time alone to think.

I run a brush through my hair and brush my teeth in a blur. With my clothes on, I walk to my room to grab my work bag. I sniffle at the thought of this morning and push it down. I don't want to be here.

"I'm ready when you are." I say almost silently. Brad stands and grabs my bag from me.

"Don't forget to lock the door." He reminds me and I grab my purse off of the table. I lock the door behind us and we walk down the stairs to get back into his car for the short ride to his building. Neither of us dare say anything.

When he stops the car again, we both get out and walk to his door. He unlocks it and we go in. I kick my shoes off and hold my laptop close to me.

"There's space in the office if you want to be in there with me." He offers and I half smile.

"Sounds good." We walk to the office where his set up is. It's a lot really but most of it is placed neatly in a corner. There's a small sofa in front of the window and a desk with his computer on it.

I sit on the sofa, back against the arm rest and legs laid out, taking up its length just about. I take a deep breath and open the laptop. I stare at the screen asking for my password for what feels like too long. The screen goes black and I tap the space bar. I type in my password and it opens.

Time creeps by as I finish two of the files. I feel every second making me older and more tired. I feel it in my bones. I close my computer and stand, letting blood flow find them.

"Everything okay?" Brad turns in his chair and looks at me. I suddenly feel self conscious. His gaze is penetrating.

"Tired." I whisper. I tried to smile to ease the tone but I couldn't force my mouth to do it. I couldn't get there.

"Take a nap then. You've had a long day." He stands slowly and pulls me to him. I let him wrap his arms around me and hold me tightly against his chest. I finally bring my arms up to cling to him. It's been the worst day of my life and he's still here. He's still Brad.

"Did you want to lay down?" He asks and I nod. I'm so tired, the day wearing me down.

We release each other and he takes me to his room. I'm surprised by the bed being made and the general tidiness of the room. I guess it's hard to break the stigma about gamers being messy until you see it.

"This is it unless you want the guest room. I can go make the bed if you'd like." He offers and I touch his arm softly.

"This is perfect." I smile and pull my cardigan off. If I was home, pants and bra would be off too but that's in the confines of my own home.

"If you need anything, just let me know." He stands against the door and I sigh. I don't want him to leave. I know he has work to do though. I've already taken up too much of his time. We've never slept together though so it's almost uncomfortable.

"Will you stay?" My voice scares me. I wasn't going to ask. I was going to lay down and be done with it. He looks at me and I blush.

"I mean, just until I fall asleep or not. It's whatever you want to do. I don't know what came over me." I look down at my feet and bite my lip.

"It's hard to believe that we've seen each other naked but feel weird laying down together." He jokes and it makes me laugh a little, which I'm grateful for.

"It's just the day I think. So much has happened and we've taken a lot of steps today." I rub my arms.

"Are we moving too fast?" He asks and I jerk my head up to him. He's just as nervous as I am. I don't even know how to answer that. I don't know where to begin.

"Maybe," I take a deep breath, "but I'm not ready to slow down if you aren't." Brad smiles and I hold my hands to him.

"Left or right?" He asks and I shrug.

"Wherever you want me." He takes my hands and holds them.

"Lay down first. I sleep on the outside." I do what he says and climb into the bed, instead of walking around. I lay down and the bed cups around me and the exhaustion sinks in. Brad lays down and for a moment we're not touching. Both of us laid on our backs, looking up.

"You're so beautiful." He says and I turn my head to him. He's already looking at me, which was expected.

"Thank you for everything today. I don't know how I would have made it without you." I turn so my whole body is facing him.

"Anytime." He lifts his arm and I slide over, laying my head against his chest. I can hear his heart beating so steadily. It's like a weird lullaby that I can feel making my eyes heavier.

"I've never fell asleep cuddling before but I've never been so comfortable." I whisper, snaking my arm around him. He runs his fingers along my arm, causing goosebumps to appear.

"Then rest." The arm that's wrapped around me begins to play with my hair, twirling the pieces so gently.