Finding You

Hold it Together

"Are you ready to talk about it now?" I kiss his chest softly and he half smiles.

"I guess I should explain." He says defeated.

"It really can't be all that bad."

"At a point in our relationship, Sarah thought she was pregnant. She didn't tell me anything until I came home one day and she had forgotten to hide the box and it was just sitting on top of the trash. When I asked her about it, she was just torn up. She said that it was negative but I knew there had to be more going on. We didn't want kids, we weren't trying, and in my mind I thought we were okay. I thought this was a good thing."

"Was it just a pregnancy scare?" I ask softly. He closes his eyes and rubs his face.

"No, it wasn't. Anytime I asked about it, she got furious so I stopped asking. She told me the truth when she decided our relationship was over. The first test she took was positive. So she, um, went to a doctor and had it taken care of." Tears fill my eyes.

"I'm so sorry. I had no idea."

"The part that hurt the most was when she told me that it wasn't that she didn't want kids, she just didn't want them with me." That explains everything. My goodness. 

"Bradley." I wrap my arm around him and he takes a deep breath in.

"So when she had the audacity to ask me to be the father, I remembered what she said and I couldn't help myself. She hurt me and I wanted her to hurt."

"It's okay to be upset. It's okay if you never want to talk to her again."

"I'm still so angry with her."

"Yeah, I would be too. I don't think I would have handled it as well as you did." I wipe at my eyes. This isn't my place to cry. I just feel so bad for him. He would have been a great father.

"I didn't mean to upset you." He turns to me and pulls me into his chest. I close my eyes and breathe him in.

"I want to know all the good and bad. Some of it is going to make me a little sad. It's just part of the territory." I tell him softly. He rubs my back and I all but melt into him.

"I love you." It just rolls off of his tongue. Like it's natural. It probably is at this point. I let it hang in the air between us, let it soak into my skin.

"Not that I would ever pressure you to say it back, but if there was ever a moment, it'd be now." He tells me playfully and I smile.

"I do, ya know? I don't know why I can't say it out loud but I do. I don't know what's wrong with me." I raise my face to his and he rubs our noses together.

"There's nothing wrong with you. You are perfect." I kiss him softly.

"If I was perfect I could tell you how I felt."

"You don't have to tell me, Natalie. You could never say it back and I would be fine. You show me how you feel everyday."

"I didn't know I did. I was starting to feel bad." I sigh.

"You make me lunch and leave post its with messages on them. You help me with all sorts of things. You do this thing when you touch me, you draw patterns. Like now." He tells me and I become aware of my fingers grazing his skin, drawing patterns.

"I didn't realize I did that." I whisper.

"And you look at me like this." One of his hands touches my cheek and I smile.

"Hmm, like what?" I ask and lean into his hand.

"Like I'm your favorite part of everyday."

"You kinda are."