Finding You

Nothing Wrong

"Does this ever get any better?" I ask the nurse and pull my pants back up to where they're supposed to sit. I've been getting these shots for years and have yet to get use to the pain. It still hurts like hell.

"Don't think so. You just do what you have to do." The nurse shrugs and smiles at me.

"Anything to not get pregnant." I joke and she looks down at the ground. "I'm sorry, that was insensitive." I mentally facepalm myself and she nods.

"I got pregnant young and was on birth control. It's not always 100%." She tells me and I take a deep breath. I'm an ass.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know. I just say things at the wrong time." I rub the area where the shot was.

"Not a big deal sweetie. These things happen for a reason. You'll be sore for a couple days but it'll go away."

"Thank you so much. I will see you guys next time." I grab all of my things and hurry out of the office before I manage to say something stupid again. The lady at the front schedules my next appointment for me and hands me my summary. I all but run out of the building and take a deep breath of fresh air.

"Everything okay?" Brad asks and I jump. I wasn't expecting to hear him. I thought he would just pick me up in his car and that would be it.

"Yeah, I'm just an idiot who can't keep her mouth shut." He rubs my shoulders and I lean against him.

"One of the many things I adore about you." He jokes and kisses my head softly.

"You're a dork." I laugh and rub my face.

"What did you say this time?" He asks softly.

"I got my shot and said 'anything to not get pregnant' to the nurse who got pregnant on birth control and it seemed to really hurt her feelings."

"You didn't know. You don't hurt people on purpose. Did you apologize?" I feel like a child. I feel like I'm being reprimanded by my father.

"You know I did, at least three times." He wraps his arms around me.

"Then you have nothing to feel bad about."

I can't believe myself. I really can't. I've always been considerate when it comes to things like that. I always think before I speak. I was there. I was the person who struggled to get pregnant. I've lost children. I always keep that in mind when I do things. I don't know why today was so off.

"You ready to go get Maya?" Brad asks and I nod, not trusting my voice. I've not been emotional about my loses in years. I worked through this in therapy.

"Can you take me to my apartment for a moment? I need to look at something." Brad lets me go and takes my hands, concern all over his face.

"Yeah, of course. Whats going on?"

"I'm off today. I don't know how to explain it. I just need to look at something."

"Are you okay?"

"Um, I think so. I don't know." I look down at the ground and sigh.

"Yeah, let's get going."

He walks me to the car and opens my door for me. I sit down and pull the seatbelt tight around me, so tight it bites into my skin. Brad gets in and turns the car on. He begins driving to the apartment.

After all this time, I can't be having these feelings. I can't be remourning them, can I? What's todays date? Not that that would help since I refused to look at anything because I didn't want to know when it happened. I didn't want those days to be something more than a day. I didn't want them to be the days that I lost my children or bundle of cells or whatever you want to call it. It was so early when it happened, both times, that they were just blobs on a screen. They didn't look like babies. I don't even remember much of the second one. There was so much pain. That was a blur for me.

"Did you want me to come up with you?" Brad asks and I take a deep breath.

"I'm gonna be really honest with you when I say that I'm going to go upstairs and pull out a folder that I have never looked at. A folder that has been tucked away in a safe. It's how I dealt with the whole ordeal. I put all the paperwork into a folder and pushed it all down so I didn't have to feel it. So it didn't affect me. My therapist said that it wasn't healthy to pretend it didn't happen but if it was the only way that I could get through, then to do what I need to."

"Is this about what happened with your pregnancies?" He asks slowly and I nod.

"I can't shake this feeling that I feel off today because of them."

"You don't remember dates or anything?"

"I blocked it all out. I ignored dates for weeks just so I couldn't be sure. I didn't let people tell me anything about it."

"You buried it really deep then?" He asks and I nod.

"As deep as I could, Brad. I didn't want to feel it anymore."

"I'll go with you and wait in the living room. If you need me, I won't be far."

I get out of the car and grab my keys. I walk ahead of Brad and up the stairs to my apartment. I walk inside and to the spare room where I keep the small safe. I turn my head to the sound of the door opening and shutting. Brad must have finally made himself into my apartment. I unlock the safe and grab the folder, which isn't as stuffed as I remember. I bet Alex is tore up about this. I bet that's what that email was about. Thank God I deleted it before even reading it.

I walk to the kitchen and sit down at the table, ignoring Brad. Suck it in, Natalie. You've felt this and let it go. You're fine. I open the folder slowly and look down at the packet. October 13th was when I lost the first one. That can't be it. I bite my lip and flip through the pages slowly, letting my eyes rake over the forms quickly, not taking it in too much.

My breathing hitches when I get to the information about the ectopic pregnancy. I bite my lip and close the folder. I don't want to feel this anymore. I stand and walk to the fridge, pulling out the new bottle of wine. I can't drink this. I can't. I need to be coherent when I get Maya. I have to deal with this like any normal person.

"It was today. It happened today." Brad stands from the couch and walks to me. I take a deep shaky breath.

"I can't imagine what this is like for you."

"I don't want to feel this, Brad. I don't want to let this in." I lean against the fridge and grip the wine to my chest.

"You have to get it out."

"I don't want to."

"It will always haunt you if you don't."

"It'll always haunt me no matter what Bradley. I had 2 fetuses die inside of me for no reason. I did what I was suppose to do. I followed all the instructions."

"You didn't do anything wrong, Natalie. You know that don't you?" He asks and it makes me pause. It takes everything in me not to breakdown. How did I not do anything wrong? It was my fault. It had to have been. It was always my fault.

"Things like this happen all the time. Its common, Nat. Look at me, please." I bite my lip and look at him, my eyes glazed over with unspilled tears. The tears that I have pushed down. The tears that I have refused to spill for my child, for the part of me that I lost.

"This wasn't your fault." He repeats and I take a deep breath as the tears slide down my cheeks.

"It had to have been." I whisper and close my eyes.

"Natalie, look at me. " I open my eyes and watch him squat down to my level. He takes the wine from me and sits it aside.

"It was not your fault." He tells me sternly and it breaks my heart.

"I must've did something wrong." I whisper slowly. He sits on the ground and grabs my hands.

"You did nothing wrong." He brings my hands to his lips and kisses them softly.

"Babies don't just die, Brad."

"Up to 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, Natalie. Babies die all the time for reasons we will never know. You did everything right, do you hear me? There was nothing you could have done to prevent this. You did nothing wrong."