Finding You

I Adore You

I missed this. I missed Maya laying on my chest. I don't know what I'll do when she grows up fully but for now, this is it. I rub her back softly and she stretches out, resting her head beside mine. I lean my head against her and close my eyes.

It's been the worst day that I've had in a really long time. I just want to forget. I want to sleep and be done with it. I want to be me again. I just want to breathe without feeling the weight of the world.

I grab my phone and look at the message that's been there for hours. Probably since he dropped me off. Brad wanted to come in and sit with me but after what happened earlier, I just want to be alone. He's seen me breakdown once today and that's too many for me.

You did nothing wrong.

I sit my phone back down and sigh. He doesn't even know me. He definitely didn't know me back then. Maybe Alex would have the answers. Maybe he could tell me what went wrong. He's always been honest with me. Brad has too though. Why would he lie now?

I grab my phone again and decide on calling Alex. I haven't talked to him in forever. It rings for a much longer time than expected but I finally hear him answer.

"Natalie?" He asks and I sigh.

"I looked at the folder today." I whisper and Alex goes quiet. I wonder what he's doing.

"I had to take today off. I can't function. How has it already been 2 years?" He says softly and I sigh. I would have had a one year old had things not gone wrong.

"I'm sorry for ruining our marriage. I should have dealt with this then, like when it happened."

"You did the best you could."

"I'm sorry that I killed our babies." I whisper as the tears escape, cascading down my face. I don't have anything left in me to cry. I don't know where they're coming from.

"What do you mean?" He asks, his voice breaking.

"I mean, I'm sorry for what I did wrong Alex. I'm sorry that you don't have 2 beautiful babies here."

"You didn't do anything Natalie. Especially for the second one. It just implanted in the wrong spot. That wasn't your fault. You didn't make that happen."

"I had to have done something Alex. I mean maybe I worked too much or I worked out too hard or I missed a vitamin-" Alex stops me with a loud bang that makes me jump.

"As much as I want to put the blame onto somebody or something, it's not you. It was never you baby. You did everything right. You ate right and drank enough water and always took your vitamins. There was nothing that we could have done to save them. It was out of our control, Natalie. We had no say." He's sobbing now. My heart breaks for him in a way that it never has. I never saw the toll this took on him.

"I'm really sorry you had to deal with this alone."

"I wasn't alone Nat. I had Cat. Our marriage was broken long before we lost either baby. We thought it would somehow save us."

"I'm sorry for this. For calling you. It's just been a rough day and you went through it with me and I haven't talked to you about it. Brad really tried to help but he wasn't there. He didn't live through it. He didn't see how it broke me." Alex takes a deep breath in and lets it out slowly.

"It was really good to talk to you Natalie. Can I just say something before I go?" He asks slowly.

"Yeah, of course."

"My behavior has been unacceptable. I've done a lot I'm not proud of and I am so sorry. If I could go back, I would be better."

"It's okay. I'm glad you learned your lesson."