Seeking SOMNUS

6.

“high dive into frozen waves, where past comes back to life.
fight fear for the selfish pain and it was worth it everytime.”

∆∆∆

"Hope", last thing I thought in the night. Hope for ruling my body with my will. That definitely sound selfish but that should actually be the thing I must be doing. Instead I got these thoughts and issues, taking over every single iota of my soul. Night was relaxed and scary both at the same  time. Relaxed for knowing the cause behind my insomnia and scary because of the same cause. That's where I was oblivion and well aware of surroundings.

"Nothing more I could explore, when the whole kingdom is burnt down to hell." I randomly wrote this line on my journal. It indicated my relationship with my soul.

"Ship is sinking, gives me more space. When I'm losing it, this is where I got my solace." This was about how terribly I was losing my mind and going nuts. My definition of solitude.

I slightly took a glance of the clock, it was already seven. Sun was raising higher and I deserted its rays to enter my room with thick drapes. Time for another horrid day. Be ready. I thought.

I got ready real quick as usual and I was looking horrible as usual too, but a little more today. Great.

"What's wrong?" This morning it was not Fin but mom who shouted at my appearance."You need to tell me now. I avoided it yesterday but today... Oh my goshh.. look at you boy!" My mum nearly screamed in concern. My face was looking like I was high on drug and needed more in every passing second. What should I tell her now? How am I supposed to hide this, with what believable reason?

"Uhh.. mom.. umm.. Theo was not sleeping for days." Are you kidding me? I face palmed myself mentally as my brother said this line.

"No no.. it's not-" I tried hard to cover but ... my brother had some different plans.

"Theo, didn't sleep last night, then whole day, then as per his looks, he must have not slept the last to last night either." He completed, left me and mum confused. "I mean total two days and nights, without sleep."

I was like he didn't lie but didn't tell the truth either. He reduced the truth to more than half. But our mom, believed on it and it was the matter of relax I guess. But her furious facial expressions was sending signs of different consequences.

"Jesus. Theo... This school is killing you. Stop hurting yourself for temporary things. I never forced anything on you. At the total least, above of all you should get some proper sleep." She stopped to catch her breath. "Listen, honey! I know, I know you want the scholarship so bad, but for some future stop ruining your present. Although you only have your present in your hands on which you can only work hard for future. By sleepless nights and days, you will ruin everything... Your current, your coming ... Everything." She finished. Having pain and concern in her eyes.

"Mum,.. I'm sorry. I didn't.. I don't know... Just let these exams get over. I'll be fine I swear." I stumbled in my words. I knew it, today I could no longer hide it all. I still couldn't let her know, this was all happening not because of upcoming future as far as she concerned but the gone past that she didn't even know that I know about for good.

"Just cut the crap.. cut it. I want you to take leave. Not for a day or two... As long will it take you to sleep, that long you're not going to school. And if you even thinking, this is not some serious stuff... So just shut it down already." She declared it as a law in our home. That I couldn't oppose or decline. But if this gonna make her feel okay. I will do it.

"Alright mom, today is Friday and I'll take the leave for next week till Thursday because I got really, really important basketball match next Friday. I gotta have to be on team."
I agreed with my terms and conditions.

"That's good with me. Fine." All she said.

"And I need to attend the practice sessions also... Only for two hours a day." I requested her to allow me this, other than study, basketball was also a massive role player in my high school graduation.

"Let's see for next week, and if there would be no relief, then we're going to doctor." Then she got a call. She left the room for minutes.

"Oh holy... Fin! What have you done?" I shouted in whisper.

"Yea, you had something better on your head to say .. like 'ah..mom, I'm taking weed and drugs to turn myself into ghost and a damn creep.' or something like...'our dead dad..'," he was crossing limits but I couldn't blame him, because he was right.

"For god's sake.. shut that bullshit out man. Thank you for saving my ass." I bursted angrily.

"Alright." He wickedly smiled, "and that must be the first line I should learn to get famous and bad boy reputation." He devilishly giggled.

"What line?" I frowned in confusion.

"Thanks for saving my ass", he mimic me and burst into laughter.

"What the --! Don't say that, just don't. Mom will kill me for that." He literally proved he was my younger brother.

"Boys.. let's sit." Mum entered the conversation.

"So, this shouldn't be happening right now. I need to stay, I have to. Gosh.. crap these timings." She groaned, burying her head in her hands.
Tension covered her whole being.

"What's wrong", Fin asked.

"Here this huge opportunity for me, I got yesterday. It is a conference meeting in Berlin and I have to go for the sake of company. I was ready till this morning but now... This is not what I feel like my priority should be. I don't feel like I want to go. Really it's terrible." She informed us with heavy heart. It was all because of me. This should be the good news but now we were hearing it as if  this was something that shouldn't be happening. In present day and in present moment.

"Ma.. please go. It's your career you're talking about. I'm a grown up guy, just with little sleep issues. It's not that I couldn't handle it. And also I am taking leave I'll utilise it properly on me. Moreover Fin has got my back. He'll babysit me. Give you details of every single hour." I chuckled in the end and saw wide grin on Fin's face, confirming my statement.

"For.. sure." Fin said emphasising his words. Wearing wicked countenance, I could read that.

Then breakfast went calm. My mind was not much.

During car ride my way to school. I had these thoughts running in my mind, that my mom got so worried just to know I was not sleeping for two days. What would be her reaction if she got to know I was not sleeping for weeks, not just two days. That little thought sent chills down my spine. She would definitely go wildly mad. I could not afford that. She had already been to a lot. I shouldn't be the troubled son for her. I need the damn relieve for my condition. Now this was not just a wish or reckless desire but an evil necessity.

And for that only one name came into my head. Clara.

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Ok. By far I feel I'm loving Clara. What about you guys.

And tell me what you think about Theo. I love him too. Let me know your views.

Don't forget to vote and comment.
Thank you.

_mani_