Seeking SOMNUS

15.

“

Oh I'm in pieces, it's tearing me up, but I know
A heart that's broke is a heart that's been loved

”
•••••

*CLARA*

It was that night.

"I can't believe, this is happening to me, to me!" I screamed through the car's indoor.

My mum was driving the car, and she decided to remain silent on this. I was reckless. I was the girl who refuse to take no as an answer, who never accepted defeat for her side. For herself.

And I failed my interview for the scholarship I wanted in literature. I have been working and preparing myself real hard, for grab this opportunity, this scholarship and they just rejected me because I got no graduation degree. I had to now wait for a whole year.

I was losing my self control. Had the worst mood of my life. I was upset. I was numb.

My mum turned on the radio for distraction or lighten up the environment but it turned out even worse.

The radio's songs all reminding of my dad. All guilt and anger turned into sadness and grief. I couldn't even get to see him for the last time. He just left us in here on our own. I was more than angry because he was not the soul who suppose to leave this world this soon. My dad had huge dreams of his own. Those included me with him and the greatest places of world.

I was not over him. He had the best part of me in him. And he left me. Took that away. Far away from anyone's reach.

He was messy and clumsy, but he was my best guy. He was my superhero. Nothing could fill the hole in me where he used to stay, and now he was no where to be seen, no where to be found.

I hate you dad for this.

You left me– incompleted the wholesome me. You were such an amazing soul, full with hopes, full with life, you had the sparkle in your eyes. Now I have it just in my memories, I couldn't get to see those sparkles ever again in person. But I remember every beauty of yours vividly and that even squeezes my heart tighter and harder. You were home. To me dad you were everything, that is known as happiness.

You were my knight in shining armour. Now this whole kingdom feel like vain and ruined, destroyed and dusted, coldness and darkness are the rulers here and I'm the prisoner in the darkest dungeon. I want to escape but nothing I could do about it because everytime I try, I feel you in my heart and in my eyes, there you were always flashing a smile and I couldn't cry. And my heart was weeping the rivers inside.
You are now a dried ocean where I'm drowning even deeper and deeper, where I'm numb and total helpless and surrendering myself completely to tenebrous devils of my mind. The invisible gloominess, unleashing my obscure side, and that little princess of yours has already lost in there. Demons and monsters who's running in my mind ruthlessly, now taking over my soul  but all I have to manifest is that I'm happy and I needed to smile heartedly.

If you're watching me dad, I'm so sorry, I'm not supposed to grew up like this. You've planned the best for me, and all I turned out as a total disappointment on you, and the non- abolishing stain on the whitest coat of your legacy. I'm failing to join my pieces together, to stand up on my own. I'm failing miserably to cope up with the world, where every beautiful and mesmerizing thing reminds me of you. I wrote so many poetry and sonnets but everytime I feel I want them to read by someone– I only think of you. And I can't reach you no matter how hard I try. There is crawling gloominess inside my veins that's turning me into the monster I have always scared of.

The thoughts were at their worst. I didn't notice when all my face turned dark crimson with flooding tears. I was crying but trying to make no noise so I bit my tongue.

"Don't do that girl. You can scream, you can shout. You should not be ashamed of having feelings and emotions. You should not care about anything when you think of him. You're my little girl, and I'm your mother. I understand you honey, pull out everything, take those burdens off of you shoulders, you are not meant to bear them." My mom, sensed what I was feeling.

"You should not be ashamed of the way you feel. It'll not make you vulnerable. This makes you human. In the world full of humans, human is rare to find. You are one of them my child. Your dad is proud of you no matter what! Don't ever have otherwise thoughts baby."

The rain was pouring at its best and the icing on the cake was we were on the rough route highway. Anything could cause disaster. But I pushed those thoughts aside. Why!

"But mum, this shouldn't be suppose to end like it. I have always done everything at my best-" I argued senseless shit.

"Honey! This is not the end of the world. You can still get it. This is not totally out of your hands." She tried to pour some sense in my head, but my sick emotions have clouded my decisions. And I started shouting and arguing. Although I shouldn't be. Not at all.

"Shhh shh honey! We are going home. Shhh, tell your mind. Calm. Call for silence by your conscious." She spoke through the layers of shunt shouting atmosphere." Just! Hold in! We will go home. Home the place where no one judges you, everyone only support you, give you rest, love, care and everything you deserve."

"He is proud of you my girl. You're not a burden. You're my little angel who knows how to grow, how to fly and how to get back up when you fall. You're amazing my girl." She was keep on trying but I couldn't stop. Couldn't stop shouting.

And I didn't realise when it was too late. My mom's attention diverted from road to me and there was truck who has lost its breaks storming in our direction.

As that big demon came in my gaze I screamed for mom to side our car from collision but that didn't succeed well. The loud thud deafened me and throw me far away on the ground of endless pain.

___

The rain was keep on pouring in tremendous manner, making my vision blur. As I got just a little part of my conscious back, I realised I was lying paralyzed on the mud ground. And the car I was traveling in was upside down with my mom in it. She had her eyes shut. Half of her body was out from the car's broken window on the cold concrete and half was stuck inside.

She seemed feeble enough, but she yet opened her eyes, that directly met mine.

I was trying to move forward as hard as I could but I felt nothing in body that could take me to her. I was crying my lungs out, but the rain showers suppressed my voice. She was, I didn't know how, smiling as if she was trying to telling me everything is going to be alright.

I longed her that moment. But I couldn't get up. I did get some serious injuries but that was not I felt. I wanted her to be alright. She had tears in her eyes, she was trying to slipping away from that upside down car.

Then suddenly I saw a sparkle in the truck that came as a bad news to my life. There was *highly flammable liquid* filled in the truck, and the collision cause the engine overheat and it was sparkling, as that sparkle turned fire, that liquid caught the ignition.

And in no seconds, the whole area turned into burning ground. The explosion threw me away in other side of woods and the last images of my mum, printed inside my heart. She was so pretty, she was trying, real hard to save her life. She was hustling why the hell almighty didn't give her another chance. She had to be alright. My mind has lost it's hope but my heart was saying she would be fine. She is all fine.

I can't loose her too. She was everything I was left with. She cannot just leave me like him. Mom please I beg you!, Your little girl is begging you to stay.

After those haunting images and terrifying thoughts ,silently the blackness and darkness took over my consciousness.

I went lifeless, in the middle of woods.

_________________________________

Here it is.