Seeking SOMNUS

8.

“
I got all these thoughts, running through my mind
All the damn time and I can't seem to shut it off
I think I'm doing fine most of the time
I think that I'm alright, but I can't seem to shut it off
”
•••

"Hey. Uh.. morning coach. I.. can't attend the second hour of practice. I got some urgency at home I need to leave. But I will come tomorrow and cover this lose. I promise" I was avoiding eye contact and just saying whatever coming in my mouth. It made sense or not, that was my coach whose gonna judge.

"If you were not Theodore Arthur, the Captain this year, I would in this very moment kick you out of the team. But yea, it's you so anyhow I'm gonna need to tolerate. Why don't you make it worse? Just help me fire from my job. I would be obliged to you." He took a long pause, we both were in some sort of match, which was 'who's gonna break the silence first' then here we go. "Go. Leave granted." And he did it first. It was fat-ass anguish representation of my coach's reaction.

I was sorry but I wouldn't be capable of helping in winning the match if I won't take that leave in that time of the day. I was about to go but then my coach decided to appreciate me.

"You know right, that you're a massive pain in ass." He faked his world famous smile, showing off his crooked teeth. I couldn't help but chuckled.

I left the coach's room. I went straight up to my gang mates.

"Hey." I lazily greeted them.

"Here you are. Finally Theo the fucking dore." Ryan mocked and all of them burst into laughter. I belong to group of five dumbass dorks. Erick, thin figured but tall, my best mate. Ryan, my partner in basketball, co- captain of team, muscular and tinier than all of us. Sheldon, the richest one and thickest one. He was fat yet attractive. And Andrew, he was like me, quiet but awesome in comebacks with built up body of somewhere near my height.

This was the circle of playboys, called by Clara the other day. But whatever these guys were, they always had my back and I owe my life to these chipmunks. To the school we were bunch of swanky players but inside our circle we call each other - dumbass dorks.

"Bro, if you done scanning her entire body in mind, so please come back to reality." Ryan said, snapping his fingers in front of my eyes.

"Who?" I said, completely lost in somewhere.

"That girl from can's-teen." They said in unison and started laughing hysterically.

"No. No no no.. there's nothing like ahh... Oh gosh no." I denied whatever they said.

"What--ever" Sheldon gestured, patting my shoulder.

"Leave it guys. I was actually here to let you all know that I'm bunking another half of the day. Like not informing in the office or anywhere, I'm just leaving." They all gasped. Everyone knew by then I was literally suffering from insomnia. They were worried I saw that on their faces.

"Alright. We'll proxy your other half of the day. You go home and rest." Erick said giving me side hug at my shoulder. And everyone agreed.

"So again you're not coming to practice today. What should I say to coach this time?", Ryan asked about the basketball practice.

"Don't worry about that, only our coach knows that I'm leaving. And I have this situation under control. He is fine with it." I replied and Ryan nodded his head.

"Alright then, see ya... Uhh.. when.. direct on next Friday maybe?" Andrew seemed confused. And he frowned.

"Yea.. but I'll be here for practice sessions. So come at the bleachers." I ran my hand over my hairs, slightly tired now. The thought of leaving school always feels better either you're depressed or amused.

I left them and walked straight to library where Clara decided going to spend her free hour.

She told me I could find her at table seven near the shelf of books of psychology and philosophy. Damn! She must have came from some multiverse.

"Hello, I'm here." I stood next to her chair.

"Hey, see this, a fact 'bout human brain.
*When a person dies, his brain still lives for seven minutes and recalls all the memories and moments, this person lived in his entire life.

Fascinating enough!*
What do you think?", She had a book in front of her on the table. Pages in the book looked like, she literally eat every single word. There was a line, underlined with red pen, she was pointing at it.

"Uh.. surprisingly strange" I chose my words carefully. That fact was actually had me completely in wonder.

"I don't think so. I mean, what's the explanation? How? And if it's true, don't you think seven minutes is way too short time to recall whole life's memories. Um.. all memories, you lived, you loved, you laughed, you.. you mourned over .. over things or people." She blankly said, not tearing her gaze from the book. Thinking too deep.

I silently took my sit and just observing the person she was.

She then slam shut the book and looked up at me. She was indeed staring at me but her eyes were still lost in thoughts. Might be she was still inside the book, virtually watching the facts and concepts written in it. Or she perhaps trying to consume my meek, unsecured and uneasy stances. She held me captured in her sight for that time period.

"Shall we start?" That's all. That all she said after.

"Yea. Well. What should we start? From where?" I sighed. This time, I didn't feel the burden or hesitation I was feeling for so long. It was the time when I was internally relaxed without anyone's help. I felt it myself.

"Good. Okay, so I earlier asked you, how can I help you? What is the part where you need my help? I will start from there. Is it, you want to share what is the cause, that's spoiling your head or you just want to know what can you do to get sleep? But I'm no psychologist, so I don't have an effective cure, freshly in my hands that I just give you and you'll be fine as blue by the next morning." She huffed, took a breath, "I'm too suffering. I am too searching. Till yesterday I was doing it all alone and moving forward in my path but today right from this moment I guess someone joined my path. So it's not like I'm the only one who is helping, get it, you're too helping me."

"I'm glad. It is.. I want to say, I'm grateful."I was shocked but truly grateful."I think, I want relieve from this, but I want to tell you the thing, I believe is the matter behind it. And here yes! I wanna get rid of all this, and that's too for good. As soon as possible." I smiled and speak my mind. Her words made me feel like maybe I'm worth it, and out of all those trash things I ever thought about myself, could be not true.

"Alright. Here we are. Got a whole hour in our hands, you say. Tell me." She slightly replied.

"See, if I couldn't. Or if I get a breakdown, in middle of the storytelling. Then it would become more difficult for me to face this further. Just with the thought of that make my blood go cold. It's not ..  it's just not that easy." I sighed and looked away from her. Too nervous for eye contact.

"It can be or can't be. It's obvious because the thing is messing up with your head. But blurt it out. Spit it. Throw it away." She exhorted by snapping my main focus at herself.

"So uhh... It's about my father." I finally spit out. "He was always a troubled man, never really cared about the family he had, and always upto destroying everything my mom built-up for us. But this was the matter of little past."

"So what now, he's still doing those." She was staring at me with concern.

"No the shit is different. He was vanished few years ago and mom said he just left us because he thought he was not good for us. But the real matter was, he didn't just go away because he realised his mistake or something. He left us because, he... died. A... A gruesome.. fucking death." My limit has came and I couldn't hold it anymore. I was near to have a panic attack and loose my shit but then, she pressed her hand on mine. Diverted my concentration on it. Rubbing the back of my palm lightly, it felt soft and calm. It helped me stop that feeling.

"Shhhhh." She whispered.

____________________________________

Here you know that.