Seeking SOMNUS

52.

THEO

After a long tiring day, I finally reached home. It felt so ecstatic, words could not explain it. It has been four days since the wild encounter with Jackson. After that I didn't see any shadow around my locality.

I was lying on my bed as usual, staring at the ceiling. I have to answer him in couple of days, and I haven't decided anything yet. This has became a ritual to me now, when I wanted to think deep or something rustic important. I just lie down.

He needed an answer from me, where should I go to get mine.

A constant loop was traveling around me. Taking my conscious and subconscious with it. It was circling over my head. It was only visible to me. One portion of this reminding me of what mom asked me to do. She wanted me to stay out of it, so I did for over a month now. Clara, she unknowingly became a highly significant part of my life. And I was hiding this matter from her. I couldn't tell her either no matter how bad I feel about it. Because her safety was my prime concern.

I could see my various contradictory thoughts. And I wanted to know what should I really do. I asked Erick too several times this week, he replied, that it should be wholly my decision because it was my fight above all. He will just tag along and stuck by me no matter what I choose to do.

I gradually loosing my calm. The snowy day shines bright in December. I got up from my bed and locked my windows.

I was running short of breath so I walk around the room to calm myself. Whenever I thought of this, it ride onto my nerves. The adrenaline started to pumping severely inside my veins.

I turn on the lamp on my study table and switched off all other lights in my room. I took a seat. And started to reading a book laying on the table. But anything was hardly working for me.

I lay back and shut my eyes. Rub my hands over my face. Frustration start to entering my system. And I groaned. I shot open my eyes and started to pacing back and forth on the chair. Then my gaze fell on the diary in the distant drawer. I haven't touched it since I hide that letter safely in it.

Should I or should I not?

"Am I ready?" I thought.

"Screw that, I won't ever be ready, if I must go on to think this way." I murmured to myself. I stretched and grabbed the diary moderately off guard.

The letter slide away and fall on my lap. The chill sensation rush down my spine. Those chills were almost like someone touched me with cold tender hands at the back of my neck.

I quickly picked it up. My name was on it. A stone fell in my stomach. It hurt to read my name written by someone who left me too early. Who lost his battle from his mind. His soul departed our lives long ago. I always used to feel he was a villain in our story. In truth, he was the fallen hero.

I tardily unfold the letter and my heart was filled with various mixed emotions. My pupils were running and inhaling everything. With agony of grief.

Son,
I am scratching this down on paper in all the hopes to see you one day. I've failed you, dear boy. You deserve a better man whom you could call father. I see the darkness fogging my aura. I could never know how you will find this or if you will ever find this. I love you Theo. You are and always will be my brave son. I believe in you. You could conquer the world for yourself as you've always been so strong, it provides me the strength to go on. These monsters in my head and these demons I possess, they don't define my love for you. I'm so proud of you. Thereupon a world is waiting for you. You will have the childhood you could admire with the beauty of the wonderlands. Your adolescence, you'll fight, you'll discover the hidden treasures out there and so in yourself too. You'll grow up as a man with honour and dignity; determined to achieve your dreams and ambitions. Perhaps, I won't be around you then. But remember I have always loved you. I was contaminated. I was troubled. Inspite of that, my love forever for you is pure and solely true. I hope it this utterly, that I could see the person you've become. You always remember this by your heart that you could be anything you want to be. Anything at all. You are embraced by us wholeheartedly, with all your flaws and emotions. My little Theo, don't hurt your mother ever. I request you. She was my saviour this long and I was constantly losing myself but she was always there to hold me. Hold on to her son. I love her with every iota of my being. But it agonise my veins to reckon that I hurt her one way or another. It's this demon wants to lock me away. But I will always love you and her.
I did hurt you and your mother in various manners. My intention was never as such. I solemnly apologize to you for being this disappointment in your life. I express my immense sorrow for not being a great father that you deserved. And for not being there for you whenever you might need me. I cry my heart out whilst I'm pouring these words down on this sheet. It is screaming inside my head and it is plenary fighting harder with every second to take control of me. I want to conclude this with deluging my heart and all my love to you. You'll grow braver and stronger than me and I shower my blessings for your beautiful beautiful life ahead.

Love you son,
Your imperfect Dad.

I went numb. I haven't realized my eyes were draining down on my face. My heart skipped it's beats. The letter fell on the table I lost strength to hold it anymore. I cried through my mind, I solemnly wished that he was here with me. He stand by me. I wanted to tell him how wrong he is in his letter, where he called him a 'disappointment' he wasn't never a disappointment. Someone, some scoundrel out there stole him away from us. Pierced his beautiful heart mercilessly. He was braver than he thought. I fought with that demon of his mind, since his birth. And somehow succeeded to provide me a few mesmerising moments of himself, that I could cherish for life. It was never him, who hurt us in anyway. He bear all those blame on his soul. I wish I could ever tell him, it was not his fault. He was kind. He was strong. Strong enough. He was capable of loving someone so immensely and unconditionally. It proved his heart was never contaminated. It was as pure as his love for my mom.

His soul left his body in the pool of it's own blood with remorse of being a horrible person to us.

"If you could hear me screaming inside my head dad, you were not a horrible being to us. I love you. Even more now. Nobody was there with you when you needed. I am terribly sorry. I wished someone let you know, you are being missed and we love you more than you believed. This trauma and burden of self loath degraded your own worth in your mind. It's okay for not being perfect. It hurts so so bad now. Where should I go, where should I cry out?" My heart was speaking through my mouth. Nobody was in this room and I was talking to nothingness in hope for him to listen.
But he couldn't.

I was raged and pained. He was no more with us. My mom has been fighting her entire life, everyday for his justice. And whomsoever committed this felony breathing in free air. Roaming independently out there. My head was hurting severely. The pain was massive and igniting the anger I buried way ago. This sleep sickness too making me loose my sanity by every passing day. And I was on the edge of my own destruction.

Probably I could save myself. I stay strong to bring justice to my dad. There was no way I was going to loose any chance to find the culprit.

Screw my morality.

Screw my hollow promises.

Screw the strength to ignore his cause of death.

I came onto the firm decision. I was doing it. Nothing was going to make me back off this time.

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