whatever it takes - odell beckham jr.

chapter thirty-nine

i didn't sleep a wink. i tossed and turned the entire damn night, before finally getting out of bed and heading down to my gym. i've run over ten miles by the time that the sunlight starts streaming through the windows but still i don't stop.

i continue to push myself, trying to run off the feeling of dread that sits in the pit of my stomach.
but no matter how hard i push myself, the feeling will not leave. i already know exactly how this is going to play out. she's gonna leave me regardless.

i know she is. i can feel it, and i know there isn't a damn thing i can do about it. i planned on coming home last night and explaining what had happened with braelin, but now i know it doesn't matter the explanation. she's never gonna believe me.

i've hurt her too many times in the past, and this time? even though i didn't intentionally do anything, it doesn't even matter. all it took was one issue, and she's already out the door. but, i've got to be honest with myself here.

she's had one fucking foot out the door this entire time. she's always just been waiting for the other shoe to drop, and for me? it's done nothing except leave me uneasy.

i love that woman. i love her more than it's possible to love another human being. but i also can't continue like this, knowing that she would leave me in the blink of an eye.

i've gone through so many emotions during the night. from feeling completely and utterly crushed, to also being filled with so much damn rage she won't even listen to a word i have to say. part of me hopes that she will wake up today with a new outlook and maybe be ready to hear me out, because she meant what she said when she told me she trusts me.

but deep down, i already know there is no way that will happen. no way in this world is ira gonna ever actually trust me.

i know that i'm the reason for it. i know damn well i fucked up in the past. but the thing is, no matter what i do, no matter how hard i love her or the affection i show her, i can't change it.

i can never change our past, even though i want to.
if i could, i would take it all back. but i can't. without trust, this could never work out.

i shut off my treadmill when i hear the stairs creak. i take a ragged breath, before forcing myself to walk to the entry way on my already spent legs. ira stands there, in the hallway.

"hey." i approach her slowly, but as she turns? her face stops me in my tracks.

"how could you?" she whispers as tears stream down her face.

"what? how could i what?" the dread that's been building in me all morning spills over, as i glance down and see her suitcase sitting at her feet.

"you know what?" she shakes her head, before handing her phone to me. "last night, before i went to bed, i prayed to god to give me a sign. to show me what in the world i was supposed to do here. and then i wake up to this. i'm taking it as my sign."

i glance at the phone and my blood runs cold.
on the screen, pure as day, is a picture of me. my pants are disheveled and it's obvious that i'm leaving a bedroom. and in the background–

in the background is braelin. you can't see her face in the picture, but i know exactly who it is. her face is blurred, but it's obvious that behind me stands a woman's naked body. and it looks awful.

"this." she shakes her head before wiping away her tears. "this is why your shirt was ripped open. this is the reason you had lipstick all over your neck. this is why i can never be with you. you tried to profess your love to me last night, when you had just finished doing this?"

"ira, let me explain."

"no." she shakes her head before holding up her hand. "please, don't. i really don't want to hear it."