whatever it takes - odell beckham jr.

chapter forty-two

"it's depressing being around you anymore, beckham. like, i'm tryna cheer you up here, and you don't even want to hear it."

i tip back my beer, draining the rest of it down my throat before turning my attention to landon. "listen. i appreciate you coming over here every night," i lie, because in all reality, the guy is driving me nuts.
"but i don't need a babysitter and i don't need someone to try to cheer me up. it's just not gonna happen right now. but i do appreciate you, brother. i just need time to get myself together."

"it's been a month!" he exclaims, hopping out of his lounge chair. he grabs two more beers out of the outdoor fridge and tosses one my way. "i mean, damn dude. thirty days seems like more than enough time to move on."

"landon, have you ever been in love?"

"sure." he shrugs. "lots of times."

"really?" i laugh hard, for the first time in a long time, before shaking my head. "who have you been in love with?"

"well, i'm madly in love with myself." i start to open my mouth when he rushes on. "and i love my mom, and my sister. my brothers are alright too, my dad is grumpy but he's pretty cool, i guess."

"not your family, asshole. a woman. have you ever been in love with a woman?"

he ponders my question, before shaking his head. and i get the most serious response that i've probably ever gotten out of him.

"na, man. i mean, once upon a time, there was this one girl. but that was way back in high school."

"you've always acted like you've never had a girlfriend. do tell."

he's quiet for a moment, as he sips on his beer. and for just a brief second, i'm able to focus on him, instead of the big hole that's been left inside of my chest.

"tammy." he nods into the night, focused straight ahead. "her name was tamzin, but i called her tammy. she was my best friend and i'm pretty sure she was my first love. she liked me and laughed at all my jokes. we hung out all the time and when we got older, we ended up being more than friends. she was the first, you know? she was beautiful, smart and funny too. like i said, she laughed at all of my jokes–"

"must have been a saint." i mutter and instead of a witty comeback, he just nods.

"yeah. she was."

"so? what happened to tammy?"

he's quiet for so long, i almost think that he didn't hear me. but then his voice cracks, as he utters the words that i didn't expect to hear. "she died."

"what?"

he nods slowly, before shrugging and looking at me.
"surfing accident. i was supposed to be with her that day, but i had gotten grounded. she went anyways. tammy took a hard wave and hit her head on the board. she drowned."

"holy fuck, landon. that's sad."

"yeah." he nods. "that was the last girl i ever let myself feel something for."

i shake my head. "i had no idea. i'm so sorry, man. why have you never said anything?"

"because sometimes, it's just easier to pretend that she didn't exist. if i let myself think about it, i'd end up being some dumb sap like you right now. and i don't have time for all of that."

and just like that, he's back. the asshole that i've come to know and love. "fuck you, man."

he just shrugs before draining his beer. "beckham, this has turned into a very sad and depressing night. i think i need to get the hell out of here before we start singing kumbaya and finding our feelings."